Christmas Out of the Box

In spite of my efforts to be positive about my first Christmas away from home, it was still difficult not to feel homesick and lonely and just a little bit sorry for myself as I ate my lonely Noche Buena of chili-flavored cream cheese, crackers, and hospital-issue minestrone soup in the doctors' office on Christmas eve. I realized that even our past Christmases at work did not prepare me for the impact of spending Christmas so alone, so very far away.

I decided to work through the holidays simply because I didn't really have any plans with other people - and I figured being alone on Christmas at work beat a microwaved meal passing for Christmas eve feasting at home.

Despite being at work, as I ate my meager repast, I couldn't help but imagine what I was missing. The raucous, cheerful atmosphere around the table at home at the same moment, with aunts, uncles, cousins, and my immediate family, feasting over Mom's kare-kare, Dad's dinuguan, and all sorts of gastronomic goodies Filipino and continental; the mayhem of family sitting in front of the tree, exchanging gifts and tearing open packages. I've always been a bit of a Christmas scrooge, but being far away has heightened my appreciation of the family rituals surrounding it.

The long distance phone call my family placed from my Aunt's house where the clan was gathered for Noche Buena (which was inevitably cut off mid-call) and hearing everyone's good wishes were pale substitutes for actually being there.

I didn't really set out to spend the holidays alone, but it would have been too complicated to shuffle my schedule to accommodate an out-of-town trip to visit family and friends across the continent despite the sincere invites I'd gotten from them months in advance. Besidses, all of my Perth friends have opted to spend the holidays over east, and most of my family in Melbourne have flown off to spend Christmas in Manila. As I sat alone in the doctors' office through the night, waiting for admissions and referrals and fighting off a monster headache due to working three nights in a row, I thought I should have made an effort of get time off instead of braving my first Christmas alone, but it was too late to do anything about it but make do.

After I realized I had missed morning Mass (the only one for the day in my small parish), I came home from work this morning hoping that I was exhausted enough to sleep through the day. But I was awake by early afternoon, and all alone in a very quiet house because my other housemates probably had plans to spend the days with their friends and family. For late Christmas lunch, I microwaved a portion of roast Chicken I had bought a few days ago with a generous dollop of spicy Mang Tomas lechon sauce to remind me of home, which I ate at the table with my landlady's cat for company.

Determined to shake off my funk with an endorphin high, I decided to head off for the beach and go for a run. It was the best choice I made all day, as the summer sunshine and the brisk breeze off the beautiful, green Indian ocean melted a good portion of my blues away. It was a good reminder that while there are things to be homesick about, being here has definitely had some great rewards - and being able to run along the coast I loved on a whim was one of them.

I topped off my strange, solitary Christmas day with more comfort food in the form of Lucky Me instant pancit canton reserved for special occasions like this one, as I finished off the opened bottle of bubbly in the fridge. The best part of the late evening, though, was long-distance conversations with well-missed friends whose voices I was so glad to hear. And as my night wound down, I realized that the day hadn't been quite so bad after all.

Yes, I survived my solitary Christmas out of the box. Still, nothing beats being able to spend Christmas at home - and, God-willing, I'm hoping that's just where I will be this same time next year, even if it takes some schedule juggling.

So I'm sending special wishes to everyone out there like me spending this holiday season far away from home, making do with friends, surrogate families, and long-distance phone calls in lieu of being with their loved ones. Merry Christmas and all the best to you - and may the love and warmth of family and friends reach out to embrace you even if they are oceans away, no matter where you are.
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Christmas at Work

It feels odd that for the first time in a long time... four years to be exact... I will actually be able to attend all of our family's Christmas activities. No need to wake up after only 2 hours of sleep to drive myself to the hospital to go on duty. No need to suffer through a New Year's party bogged down by post-duty grogginess. No excuse to get out of the cooking because I was on-duty the previous day and would get home at the same time the guests are coming in. I've had to miss one get-together or another because of the perfectly reasonable excuse that my patients in the hospital just plain need me more.

It makes me realize just how my being a doctor-in-training has taken up a good chunk of my life. Our work as doctors simply does not leave much room for special occasions.

My family has gotten used to my chronic absenteeism over time, despite the fact that I have to explain to them every year that when I say I'm going on duty, it means I'm going to be stuck in the hospital for 24 hours and no, I cannot possibly find a way to get out of it. They have gotten used to the idea of my having to go to the hospital on weekends and holidays with very rare exceptions; of my having to forgo out of town trips because there is no way I'll be able to get home in time for my next duty. They are used to my having to hand-pick the occasions I will attend and actually swap duties for because no matter how good a friend you are with your batchmate, asking her to go on every-other-day duty for you is still asking for a huge favor.

Last night, while we were driving along Libis on our way to Noche Buena at our house, I was struck by the deserted feel of that otherwise bustling road. It felt more like it was 3am rather than 10pm given the paucity of vehicles on the road. Even the ever-busy Jollibee, usually open 24 hours, was eerily dark and silent as we passed. It was the night before Christmas and all through the town everyone was busily preparing for the midnight feasts inside their own homes.

Not so the doctors and nurses and other health care workers on duty, for whom life cannot stop on Christmas eve - because there will always be patients needing care and hospitals that must always be open to serve them.

I actually am one of the lucky ones whose family is here in Manila. Those among us who come from the provinces have not spent Christmas with their families for years. They are the ones who volunteer to go on duty on Christmas or New Year's to stave off the loneliness of being away by burying themselves in the immediate demands of work.

Nonetheless, those who have to be in the hospital during these occasions still get to celebrate Christmas on their own terms. Makeshift parties are thrown in callrooms throughout the hospital, with take-out pizza and lechong manok taking the place of the traditional ham and cheese, as those of us who cannot be home to spend Christmas eve with our families enjoy it with the substitute family we have found at work.

I know that this experience is not unique to those of us who work in the health professions. And what of the millions of Filipino workers abroad this Christmas, for whom a phone call or a chat session with their relatives in the Philippines will be the closest they will get to home?

So it is for all those of you who are spending Christmas at work that I wish especially hard today. May the blessings of peace and joy reach you whatever it is you do today, and may the love that the families and loved-ones you work for make itself be felt to you wherever you are. And may you all be kept safe in God's care until you can finally come home.

A Merry Christmas and a happy holiday to everyone!

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Meet Scroogette

My mother loves Christmas. Once the "ber" months roll in, there's no stopping her rabid Christmas spirit from insinuating itself into our hapless household. She starts playing Christmas carols full blast on the living room stereo as early as September. Her Christmas shopping is done by mid-October. The tree, a mind-boggling confection of rust and orange this year, is up by early November, and the gifts are all wrapped and ready for opening by December 1.

I am the anti-thesis of my mother.

I don't know, maybe it's because my mom is such a fanatic about Christmas that she sucks all of the excitement unto herself and doesn't leave much for stragglers like me. But the truth is, I haven't been excited about Christmas since... oh, I'm not sure. Maybe it was when my mother started turning the tree into a decor showcase for Home magazine. Or when I stopped having Christmas vacations. Or maybe it was when I started to spend Christmas immersed in the misery of the patients I work with in the hospital. Having to work with people who have so little just highlights how much of what goes on during this season seems like such a waste.

Whatever the reason, I have become family Scroogette.

It's December 20, and I have yet to start shopping for Christmas presents - wait, I haven't even made my list yet! I look to the coming reunions with dread because I will be banished to the kitchen once more to cook for the posse of relatives who are coming over on Christmas day (with no hospital duty to shield me). Family reunions also mean having to parry the inevitable awkward questions that tactless relatives pose to a hopelessly single, thirty-something niece like me. Meeting up with long lost friends, while refreshing, also serve to remind me that we are no longer who we used to be and that for the most part we just have memories among us and that, under all the laughter, is just sad.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Christmas per se. I do enjoy the parties, the gift giving, the taking time out to reconnect with friends and family. Like any other person, I am not proof to sight of the pretty lights around the city or the enticing smell of seasonal goodies in the air. I do appreciate that, for the first time in several years, I will not have to spend any of the major Christmas holidays on duty at the hospital.

But sometimes, even surrounded by all this happy activity, I can't help but wonder how much of this joyful energy is touched by desperation. It may be cynical, but I can't help but conclude that when it comes to celebrating Christmas, all of us are missing the point.

Whatever. I'm off to face the hopelessly snarled Manila traffic and give new meaning to the phrase panic buying.
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