The More Things Change

Oh. Just in case you guys missed it... yes, I'm back home for my first visit in over a year. And, yes, despite my current infatuation with the city I've been living in for the past year, the Philippines will always be home.

It's only been a year; nothing much has changed. There's still too much pollution, too much traffic, too much noise, too many people crowding the streets. Not much has been added to infrastructure, except perhaps another slew of newly opened super malls and new "in" places for the well-heeled to hang out. A year is not such a long time to be away after all.

But time has definitely marched on for the people I love and have come home to.

My parents look a lot older than they did before I left. My dad's hair is a little bit grayer and he moves a lot slower now. My mother has a few more lines on her face than she had just a year ago.

Change has been making the rounds among the friends I left behind, too. Suddenly tables were now filled with new faces - babies, husbands and boyfriends accompanying friends who used to come to them alone. My batchmates, who are all a year and a half into their fellowship training, are different because of the experience and knowledge that they have gained.

I sit among them, thinking of these changes that I see, and wonder if they see any changes in me. It's odd, because I feel that in a lot of ways, ever since I got off the madly spinning world I was on, I have been standing still. Despite my desire to live more of life by being in my limbo, part of me feels that my life is still on hold.

All of them seem to be pretty clear about what they want and where they are going. I haven't quite figured out where I want to be a few months from now.

And yet despite the changes, I am glad to be here with them again. My life has been blessed with the people I've met and become friends with in my new city. But it is good to know that there are people I can always come home to and know I'll always be welcome. Click here to read the rest of this post.

Christmas Out of the Box

In spite of my efforts to be positive about my first Christmas away from home, it was still difficult not to feel homesick and lonely and just a little bit sorry for myself as I ate my lonely Noche Buena of chili-flavored cream cheese, crackers, and hospital-issue minestrone soup in the doctors' office on Christmas eve. I realized that even our past Christmases at work did not prepare me for the impact of spending Christmas so alone, so very far away.

I decided to work through the holidays simply because I didn't really have any plans with other people - and I figured being alone on Christmas at work beat a microwaved meal passing for Christmas eve feasting at home.

Despite being at work, as I ate my meager repast, I couldn't help but imagine what I was missing. The raucous, cheerful atmosphere around the table at home at the same moment, with aunts, uncles, cousins, and my immediate family, feasting over Mom's kare-kare, Dad's dinuguan, and all sorts of gastronomic goodies Filipino and continental; the mayhem of family sitting in front of the tree, exchanging gifts and tearing open packages. I've always been a bit of a Christmas scrooge, but being far away has heightened my appreciation of the family rituals surrounding it.

The long distance phone call my family placed from my Aunt's house where the clan was gathered for Noche Buena (which was inevitably cut off mid-call) and hearing everyone's good wishes were pale substitutes for actually being there.

I didn't really set out to spend the holidays alone, but it would have been too complicated to shuffle my schedule to accommodate an out-of-town trip to visit family and friends across the continent despite the sincere invites I'd gotten from them months in advance. Besidses, all of my Perth friends have opted to spend the holidays over east, and most of my family in Melbourne have flown off to spend Christmas in Manila. As I sat alone in the doctors' office through the night, waiting for admissions and referrals and fighting off a monster headache due to working three nights in a row, I thought I should have made an effort of get time off instead of braving my first Christmas alone, but it was too late to do anything about it but make do.

After I realized I had missed morning Mass (the only one for the day in my small parish), I came home from work this morning hoping that I was exhausted enough to sleep through the day. But I was awake by early afternoon, and all alone in a very quiet house because my other housemates probably had plans to spend the days with their friends and family. For late Christmas lunch, I microwaved a portion of roast Chicken I had bought a few days ago with a generous dollop of spicy Mang Tomas lechon sauce to remind me of home, which I ate at the table with my landlady's cat for company.

Determined to shake off my funk with an endorphin high, I decided to head off for the beach and go for a run. It was the best choice I made all day, as the summer sunshine and the brisk breeze off the beautiful, green Indian ocean melted a good portion of my blues away. It was a good reminder that while there are things to be homesick about, being here has definitely had some great rewards - and being able to run along the coast I loved on a whim was one of them.

I topped off my strange, solitary Christmas day with more comfort food in the form of Lucky Me instant pancit canton reserved for special occasions like this one, as I finished off the opened bottle of bubbly in the fridge. The best part of the late evening, though, was long-distance conversations with well-missed friends whose voices I was so glad to hear. And as my night wound down, I realized that the day hadn't been quite so bad after all.

Yes, I survived my solitary Christmas out of the box. Still, nothing beats being able to spend Christmas at home - and, God-willing, I'm hoping that's just where I will be this same time next year, even if it takes some schedule juggling.

So I'm sending special wishes to everyone out there like me spending this holiday season far away from home, making do with friends, surrogate families, and long-distance phone calls in lieu of being with their loved ones. Merry Christmas and all the best to you - and may the love and warmth of family and friends reach out to embrace you even if they are oceans away, no matter where you are.
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Water

the vivid colors of the indian ocean

It's not always easy being essentially alone in a city full of strangers. Being away from your usual support group makes it necessary for you to find ways to cope with the stresses that shake your world and the sporadic loneliness that comes with knowing that you are very much on your own. Some people get their fix from some retail therapy, others from comfort food. Some escape reality by watching a movie or indulging in a good book for a few hours.

Since I've been here, I've done a little bit of all of the above. But when things go really, really wrong and my mood can't get any lower, what else can a forsworn beach addict like me do but seek the water?

I've always loved the water. There is something about it that has always drawn me. Just being near the water is, for me, a major pick me up. There are some pseudo-scientific theories that say that this may have something to do with negative ions generated by the water splashing on the ground - who knows how true that is? Bottom-line is that I simply love the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, the brisk breeze coming over the water, the horizon that stretches out to forever and hints of possibility.

swan river foreshore in burswood park

One major upside of being in Perth is that it is so easy for me to tap into this unconventional, life-giving idiosyncrasy even if I don't actually live in a suburb anywhere close to the water.

I can hop on a train and be on the Swan River foreshore in a matter of minutes. In a little over an hour by public transport, I can be on any point of the magnificent Sunset Coast, a pristine, raw-sugar sand beach that stretches for miles and miles in either direction as far as the eye can see.

the sunset coast towards south to freo as seen from scarborough beach

When I am by the water, for that space of time, life's complications fall away. Loneliness gives way to a peaceful kind of solitude. It's hard to stay stirred up in the face of something so much larger than myself, ever-constant and ever-changing at the same time. After watching the rhythm of life played out on the water for endless hours, my beauty-loving soul is recharged - and the life in this city of strangers is just that more bearable.

Fate couldn't have chosen a better place for me to be while I am adjusting to life away from home than this beautiful Australian coastal city on the water.

(all photos are taken by me using a Lumix point-and-shoot camera.)
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On Flying Solo

Breakwaters at Cottesloe Beach

I hit my 2 month mark abroad this week, and it's beginning to sink in that this is not a mere vacation ending in a few more weeks but my "real life." As I settle into the routine, sometimes I wonder if by coming here in a bid for change and real independence, I got more "on my own" time than I've actually bargained for.

So far, I've been quite happy to explore my new territory alone, inspired by the beautiful locale and being somewhere completely foreign. I've always been used to doing things on my own and am capable of being quite happy with my own company. Still, I think that I may have reached the limits of my solitude. I am now yearning for the company of the motley crew that populated my life back home more, and it's also sinking in that they are, in geographic terms, completely out of reach - at least for the time being.

Don't get me wrong, it's been a great experience so far. Some people will say it's too early to tell, but I can say with conviction that the decision to come has been a good one. It's shoved me out of my comfort zone and has forced me to come out of my shell by necessity. It's teaching me a lot - about being self-sufficient, not taking myself too seriously, being open to and making the most of new experiences, reaching out and letting new people into my life.

Yes, I have already begun meeting people here and sowing seeds of friendships that will hopefully grow with time. To be honest, I am still quite amazed at how kind people can be to someone struggling to get her bearings in this unfamiliar place full of strangers. I've been pretty lucky in the people I've met here so far.

But I guess I just miss being around people with whom I have a shared history. Being able to hang around with people who know the inside joke without my having to say a word. Even if we all had our busy lives at home, I always know with conviction I could drag any of them out for coffee and a heart-to-heart if I sounded desperate enough.

Part of realizing that this is now where I live rather than somewhere I am just visiting is also realizing that I don't really have anyone here like that. At all.

And sometimes I'm afraid that in my bid for a drastic change in my life and some real independence, I've just traded one kind of loneliness for another.
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Keep Left!

photo by Roger C.

Learning how to drive on the left side of the road with a right-hand drive car pretty much encapsulates the experience of adjusting to life abroad. It's all about having to concentrate hard on doing things that you used to do without thinking.

Being of a more cautious temperament, I opted for proper driving lessons before braving Aussie rules traffic, optimistically thinking I'd only need a couple of sessions since I've been driving back home for a few years. After my first experience on the driving on other side of the road, I am convinced that switching from right to left is much easier said than done.

The hour started out with my narrowly avoiding a disaster. The driving instructor picked me up at the hospital, which is located along a major highway. A mere five minutes into the lesson, I was blithely attempting to cross the highway to get to the other side of the road - and I would have succeeded if my instructor hadn't floored the brake pedal on his side of the car. That was just the beginning.

I quickly discovered that driving in Australia is a far cry from the chaotic, every-man-for-himself driving I was used to in Manila. The cars here go so much faster - 50 kph in built up areas, 60 in main roads, 70 on the highways, 110 on the freeway. And these speed limits are not mere suggestions - you are obliged to follow them to the letter. Speeding has never been one of my myriad bad habits, but driving fairly leisurely is - something that is also not allowed here.

I also fell victim to another peculiarity of vehicles here - the indicator light switch and the windshield wiper switch have been swapped around. Every time the instructor told me to start signaling for a turn, I'd flip the switch and see my wipers start up instead of my indicators flash. Short of time, I'd hit my indicator switch and turn into the next street - all the while with wipers going until I'd have enough time to switch them off.

And don't even get me started on the confusing rules governing roundabouts and intersections without traffic lights. I still haven't figured out when it's acceptable to go straight into your turn or when you should make a full stop and give way, even after I've read their road rules handbook cover to cover several times. There are so many nuances that it just gets too darn confusing.

I would love to take a full course of lessons before I finally get my own car, but each hour is so unbelievably expensive that I can only afford so many. My work situation is also making it more and more necessary for me to drive around as soon as possible. With shifts that start at 10 pm and others that end at 11 pm, even getting a cab could become quite difficult. Walking at that time of night alone would be, of course, completely out of the question.

I guess the only real choice would be to confront the driving issue with the same aplomb that I've approached everything else in this adventure so far. There's no other way to learn but by doing. And just hoping against hope that I won't end up crashing in one big splat.
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Comfort Food

my miracle rice!

Thanks to one of my co-residents, I've finally found the one thing that has cured me of my aversion to cooking rice for one... a microwaveable rice cooker. Just measure the grains, add water, pop into the microwave for 12-14 minutes, and voila! Real. honest-to-goodness fluffy rice! Almost as good as what we have back home.

And just in the nick of time, too. Being here has apparently altered my definition of comfort food. Thus encouraged by my new culinary discovery and prodded by a sudden onset case of the blues, I finally overcame my reluctance to cook for one - resulting in my first real home-cooked Pinoy dinner since I got here. And what dish is closer to home than the all-time favorite adobo?

Adobo is a great Pinoy comfort food because you can get the ingredients for it from practically anywhere. (I couldn't find pork cut the way we have it back home, but I did get some pork rashers that worked as a substitute.) Add vinegar, soy sauce, and garlic, and everything is all set!

Unfortunately, I had decided on cooking adobo without considering the logistics of not having a car and getting everything I needed from the grocery. In typical impulsive me-fashion, I just put everything I needed into my shopping cart (in big bottles) on top of my regular grocery shopping. This resulted in my eco-friendly reusable shopping bag containing a cumulative weight of about 6 kilos at least - not taking into account the rest of my groceries. I had to lug this heavy bag plus a lot of other semi-heavy bags from the grocery to the bus station, then, once I got off the bus, from the bus stop to the house.

By the time I reached the house, my back and arms were killing me and I could no longer feel my feet - because I also happened to be wearing heeled boots coming from work. I was so exhausted by just bringing the ingredients home that I wanted to scrap the entire project, but after all the trouble I'd been through, I was absolutely committed to going through with it - and it was a good thing that I did.

As I ate my pork adobo and rice last night, I realized that the effort was well-worth it. It's simply amazing what simple adobo and rice can do to raise one's spirits - just that was enough to make an absolutely dreary day end on an up note. Definitely the taste of home away from home.

No, this definitely does not mean I plan to cook hot rice meals for myself regularly - frankly, I don't have the energy to do that on a regular basis. But I'm glad that my new miracle rice cooker gives me that option in a hassle-free way. And I have enough adobo now to last me for at least a couple of weeks - so my comfort food is all ready for any return bout of the blues.

my adobo on the simmer

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Car Dunce Seeks Car

one of the models i'm considering: a mitsubishi mirage

I admit it - I am the quintessential lady driver. You know, the kind that most (chauvinistic) males drivers roll their eyes about and in whose presence they wonder (aloud) why women were ever allowed to get behind the wheel.

I have a fairly stuffed sense of direction complemented by an occasional tendency to be indecisive about what route to take. I do know (in theory) how to change a flat, but I know absolutely nothing about the mechanics of a car. Frankly, I don't really mind that I don't, as long as it runs when I put the key into the ignition - awful, I know.

It's quite easy to understand why, as I am beginning my foray into the world of second-hand car hunting on a budget, I feel like I am jumping off the deep end into water teeming with sharks.

Sometimes I wonder if I really do need a car, specially since I am thinking of staying only a year (for the moment). To be fair, I've been getting on okay with walking and public transport.

On the other hand, weekly grocery shopping has become a bit of an Olympic sport for me - a hybrid of long-distance walking and weight-lifting every time. I've also been drenched fairly regularly by motorists cruising down the highway, as I, the lone pedestrian, plod to work in the rain. And, since walking along the fairly deserted highway late at night is hardly a wise idea under any circumstances, I've had to endure taxi waits of over 2 hours from the end of my shift.

In an ideal world, a car dunce like me would be best off buying brand new, regularly bringing the car in for prophylactic servicing, and then selling it off before it has any serious problems. Unfortunately, I don't live in an ideal world - but I need a decent car on a very modest budget that won't cost me more to service it than the price of buying it.

I'm not really looking for anything fancy - just a fairly well-maintained little hatchback that won't kill me with fuel expenses and car repairs. I've been doing a bit of research, and I've already zeroed in on certain makes and models that may suit. However, given my current automotive know-how, anyone could hand me a lemon of a car and I'd probably drive it away with a smile on my face - until it refuses to take me anywhere and needs to be towed to the nearest service station as soon as I've bought it.

Frankly, I can't think of any solution around this dilemma at the moment. While I have made a few acquaintances here, I'm still a bit wary about dragging any of them car shopping with me - not only because I wouldn't want to impose, but also because I don't know who might have the best amount of know-how to help me out. Short of taking a crash course in appraising cars, I'm not sure what else I can do. Of course buying anything that pre-owned always comes with risks, but despite my desperation, I wouldn't want to throw away my money on a dud.

If there are any natives out there reading my blog - I'd love to hear some suggestions. (Or maybe you have trusted friends who are considering selling off their cars!) As for my readers from back home and elsewhere, let's just all cross our fingers together and hope I don't get gobbled up by the sharks alive.

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Not Cooking for One

Adobo on rice *sigh*

This photo by River Rats

One of the things I miss the most from back home? Hot, homecooked meals.

I may be living in a house with a kitchen, but it just takes too much energy to cook for one.

I have done my best over the past few weeks not to fall into the trap of eating too much "take away" (a.k.a. "take out" back home) - which is both horrendously unhealthy, not to mention expensive. I've mostly succeeded, but gastronomic options become quite limited when you don't want to be bothered with cooking.

Don't get me wrong, I can cook. I actually even enjoy it under different circumstances. But the idea of having to take out the pots and pans, prepare all the ingredients, then putting everything away and washing up after - it's just too much effort to make for a meal just for one person. Whereas when you nuke a frozen meal (invariably a meat pie or a box of Lean Cuisine) in the microwave or prepare a sandwich, you only need to wash one plate after. Peeling an orange or biting into an apple means you don't even have to wash anything at all... a good thing when you're dead on your feet from work and walking the three or so kilometers home.

As for a full, hot breakfast? Out of the question. I barely have time to eat my cereal in the mornings as it is! When I get out really late, I have breakfast on the go - walking to work while munching on an apple.

Maybe when I've saved enough money and settled into the rhythm of things, I may get one of those electric skillets on which I can do a little bit of grilling (would you believe I've been here a month and not have had a bite of steak?) and a stir-fry every now and then.

I will only consider whipping out my culinary skills only if I'm going to be making food good for more than one portion. In the meantime, I'm sticking to bread, fruit, cereals, and frozen food. And if I get the urge to eat rice - there's always Indian or Chinese take away, which I indulge in once a week.

Can anyone here think of other alternatives? I'd love to hear them.

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Nosebleeding in English

Yes, I have been raised bilingual. Yes, I have been instructed in English since I've been old enough to read. Yes, I have used it in academic discussion for just as long and everyday conversation for even longer. And, yes, I probably read and write better with it, maybe even express myself with it, than I do with my native tongue - and I have a body of work, a thriving blog, and academic IELTS scores to prove it.

But my first month abroad is quickly teaching me that despite my background, I am, as someone who uses English as a second language in an English-speaking land, still prone to frequent "nosebleed*" moments.

Despite having fair command language, I often find myself suddenly bereft of words to express certain thoughts or questions quite unexpectedly. I find myself stopping at mid-sentence when I would frantically grab for an English word in my otherwise good vocabulary only to find Filipino words floating to the surface instead. At times, when my mouth is running faster than my brain, the occasional Tagalog integrates itself into my stream of thought, only to be met by puzzled glances.

In fairness to me, I've been complimented quite often at how fluent I am in English relative to how long I've actually been living here. My English has been good enough to get me through the basics of day-to-day interaction - asking for directions, following instructions, striking up conversations with complete strangers at bus stops (yes, this actually happens quite often in Australia). This country has become such a multi-cultural place that Aussies take my occasional grammar and pronunciation flubs in stride - and are often way more forgiving than many people are back home would be if they heard me.

But the biggest adjustment so far has been in my interaction with the patients I see at work - something other overseas-trained doctors who work in English-speaking countries probably grapple with as well. Although I was taught medicine in English and my conceptual understanding of medical knowledge is in English, I have gotten used to conducting interviews and asking questions in a way that would be better understood by the patients I used to see back home. All of a sudden the metaphors and the analogies that have served me well for so long no longer work. Explanations of common conditions I've used for years quite effectively must now be reworked for my English-speaking audience. New subtleties and nuances have to be relearned.

I don't think that makes me a worse doctor than I used to be. It just means that, for now, I have to make more of an effort to be understood and to understand. Knowing that I have to keep on my toes works in my favor, and it's that effort that I put in that closes the gap. It's slow going, but I like to believe I'm getting there and getting better every day I come into work, every patient that I interview. It's all just part of the growing pains of practicing medicine in a foreign country.

Nonetheless, no matter how fluent I get at speaking English, I know the nosebleed moments will probably remain a fact of life. And while I may have no real, formal knowledge of Filipino and my actual Tagalog vocabulary is shallow at best, not speaking it for long spells has made me realize that a heart-deep connection with it exists - and I miss using it, in a major way.

(*For people not in the know, the term "nosebleed" is Filipino slang for something exceedingly difficult or takes so much effort that it makes your nose bleed. It is often used in the context of someone trying to conduct a conversation in straight English and struggling mightily with it. I don't know how widespread the term's use it and how accepted is the term's use is in this context - so please free to correct me by posting a comment if I am wrong. :))
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Did You Say Walking Distance?

photo of Minnawara Park (in the summer) by Clarion

I've been in Armadale for almost a week. It's a very picturesque and quiet area, and being into the whole "beauty of nature" thing, I am drinking everything in. But one thing I'm learning very fast is that the phrase "walking distance" is relative to Western Australians - probably something they develop because the state they happen to occupy is so vast.

I'm currently staying at a bed and breakfast that is walking distance from my hospital - which actually means it is about 1 km far from it, and about a 10 minute walk. It's also walking distance from the shopping center and the lovely park shown above - about 1.5 km far, and a 20 minute walk.

Over here, because it's a quiet suburb, buses stop at stations on schedule and only come every half hour at their most frequent. If you're late one minute for the train, you'll have to wait 15 minutes for the next one. There are also no buses that pass along the highway where I live after 730 at night. This poses a bit of a problem because I have shifts that end at 9pm and shifts that start at 830pm.

Walking is lovely during the day and the sun is out, but quite a different matter when it's dark out, cold, and it's raining. Everyone out here has a car, it seems, as I've gone walking home at 6 pm (and it's already dark here because of winter) and I'm the only one on the road on foot. The locals say it's a relatively safe neighborhood. But when you're a woman walking alone in the street and there are dark vacant fields thick with trees in intervals beside you, it's a bit forgivable to be a bit antsy when you're doing it.

I am definitely going to have to save up and get a little car ASAP. In the meantime, there is always the expensive but safer option of calling for a cab.

We're pretty spoiled in Manila with our public transport that goes everywhere, you can hail from anywhere any time of day, and will drop you off wherever you want. The trade off is horrible traffic and unspeakable pollution. There is no such thing as the traffic jam we see back home over here - but then again, I don't live inside the city, so I could be wrong.

But this new way of getting around is just one of many new things that I am getting used to.

I have yet to get my own internet connection - so forgive me for being such an irregular chronicler these days. There's so much to write about, and I have quite a bit of time to write about them - only I don't really have a means to get on line at the moment. Just wanted to let you guys know I am still alive and I haven't forgotten my blog in all the fuss of moving.

More soon! In the meantime, keep those good vibes and wishes coming - I start work tomorrow and need all I can get!
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Here Goes Nothing

my cousin Jazz and I at St. Kilda Beach

This is the last few hours of my reprieve in Melbourne, and reality is finally sinking in. By this time tomorrow, I will be completely be on my own.

It's been a good visit to my family in Melbourne; and being around them has staved off the onset of homesickness. It's a nice reminder that I will have people to call on if I do get into trouble.While it's a 4 hour flight away, at least there are people can fly to my rescue who don't have to get a visa. It's just a bit frustrating that with all the relatives I have in here, I end up in a city where I won't even know anyone.

Anyway, I've pysched myself to tough it out - at least until I can pay off all my credit card debt! But I'm optimistic it will be a good year.

Time to repack my stuff and prepare for my "one brave thing!"
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Into Winter in a Day

photo of foggy Melbourne in winter by deezmon

I'm here!

After many obstacles overcome and a seven hour flight, I am finally in the southern hemisphere. From the muggy, humid tropical heat of the resurgent summer in Manila, I am now shivering in the foggy, grey winter of Melbourne, Australia for a four day pit stop before I start my on-my-own saga in far away Perth.

Although I've been here a few times, it was never in winter. And while winter here is not as hardcore as what they have in other temperate countries, for a girl weaned under perennially summer weather of the Pinas, this kind of cold is a bit of a culture shock. To wake up at eight only to find the sun barely up is disconcerting, to say the least.

Of course the weather is not the only change I have to deal with.

I've been here only a couple of days, and already I have swung into one "nosebleed" moment to the next. It's tough speaking in straight English! And don't let people who say Australia is an easy destination because everyone here speaks English. English, when spoken with the broad Oz strine, sounds quite foreign. I've also been steering away from shops - because aside from having very little to spend until I start work, the prices when converted from dollar to pesos is quite enough to keep me away from any form of retail.

This short visit in Melbourne is more of a vacation rather than a real part of my adventure. But I can already feel just how very different everything is going to be for me in the next few months. Yet there is comfort in this unfamiliar because over here I am still surrounded by extended family - and in easy touch with home through email, Skype voice calls, and telecommunications.

Thank goodness for amazing technology that has shrunk the world - that allows one to travel from summer to winter in a day and back home in the space of a few seconds with a few clicks of a mouse.

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Mission Impossible

This is not even half of it...

It was hard enough packing up three years of my life away in the callroom last December, when all I had to do was throw things in my car and drive them to storage at home.

So how does a sworn pack rat like me figure out what to bring abroad for a year and stay under 20 kilograms?

My friends have suggested not to buy too much and just buy in Aussie when I get there. Unfortunately, quality clothes and shoes are expensive over there; bargain clothes there are not as good as what I can get here for a lot less. So everything I'd saved up for the past few years not buying new apparel unless absolutely necessary, I've completely blown on the still-growing pile of shoes and clothes in my room that I am in total denial about.

Thankfully, I do get additional shipping freebies up to Melbourne of about 20 kgs, so I really have 40 kgs all in all. I will have to pay for the shipping from Melbourne to Perth, so that part must wait until I have cash to spare. Thus, smart packing is in order - and I have to be able to carry with me all my must-haves for at least two months in my suitcase.

Sounds easy? For normal people, maybe. For a perennially pack-heavy traveler pack rat? It's mission impossible.

As ever, procrastination and denial go hand in hand, and I have yet to sort everything out. Finally putting stuff in a suitcase and a box will finally make everything real - and I am really not ready for that yet. But with less than a week to go, I really should get started on this.

I have been living in a cloud of unreality these past three weeks, and the days have zoomed by without my looking. Don't get me wrong, I am going through with this. But to be honest, I still ask myself why I even want to sometimes.

Okay... time to make a checklist and get my ass in gear. It's packing time! To the seasoned and the experienced - tips will be greatly appreciated. I need all the help I can get!

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Disasters and Miracles

This past week has been a whirlwind of activity - what I get for being a pessimist and putting off everything that needed to be done until the very last minute. Exactly one week to my fly day, and there's still so much to be done. And that doesn't even include packing! Given this extreme spike in my stress level, my innate scatterbrain tendencies have been working overtime.

Because of this, last Friday, for about an hour, I thought that all of my plans had suddenly, irrevocably gone up in smoke.

Meet my purple expanding folder - which contains ALL my personal, ORIGINAL copies of my credentials and other documents essential to my pending trip.

Not being a complete dunce, I have already photocopied these same documents in a set to be left with my family in Manila, but since I am still in the process of compiling it, my photocopies are in this same envelope, too.

So in short, my whole life is in that envelope.

My disastrous story begins on Friday morning, when I left the house without bringing my cellular phone with me. Leaving my phone is usually not that a big deal for me, but since I had a lot of errands to run and needed a phone to coordinate with people I would be meeting, I asked my brother to meet me at the mall with it.

I had just come from the POEA, where I had spent the past few days fixing my exit clearance and registering as a bona fide OFW, so I had my precious envelope in tow. As I waited for my brother, I lugged it from one shop to the next as I tried on clothes and did some last minute shopping.

I hadn't been to this particular mall for years. Around a few minutes before I was to meet my brother, I saw that the store I set as a venue for us was no longer where it used to be. Worried we wouldn't find each other because of this, I went to the nearest pay phone and tried calling him - repeatedly because he wouldn't answer - and getting in touch with the house. Since it was difficult to hunt for coins in my black hole of a bag with my arms full of purchases and my bulky purple envelope, I put the envelope on top of the phone... and forgot about it.

Yes, I completely, utterly, stupidly forgot the envelope on top of a public phone in a mall. Someone give the idiot a prize!

After I met up with and got my cellphone from my brother, I promptly left the mall to run my other errands all over the metro, blissfully unaware that the key to my entire life was gone. Hours and kilometers passed. I guess I was so used to lugging it around with me that I assumed it was still with me all that time.

It was only at my last stop - the photocopying shop in UP Diliman - that I realized that things had gone horribly wrong. I felt like my entire world had completely disintegrated. It took all my willpower to hold on to sanity to drive through the rush hour traffic to get back to the mall. I was trying not to think about the fact that I would have to reconstruct a file of documents put together only after months of tedious legwork in TWO WEEKS. I was looking for an escape hatch from taking the trip, but this wasn't the way I wanted to bail out! At every stoplight, I was furiously texting all the praying people I knew in my phonebook, begging them to pray for a miracle.

My brother had gotten to the mall ahead of me, so I asked him to check the phone I used in the slim hope that it was still there. It wasn't. I told him to try the security office to see if anyone had turned it over. No one had. I told him to check the last places I recalled going to. No one remembered seeing anything.

It was around the time my brother told me there was nothing in the security office that my control started to slip. I was hysterically bawling as I was driving and praying incoherently - I was just saying please over and over again. When I finally got to the mall, I parked in the first slot I found and shot into the mall to retrace my steps one last time, but not with much hope.

As I was walking around the Food Court, on my way to the other set of public telephones I used, someone called me on my cellular phone. Apparently, she saw my home number on one of my documents and wanted to inform me that my envelope with the mall security in the area where I was, and the person who answered at home had given her my cellular number. She figured I would want to know ASAP that it had been found, even if I wouldn't be able to pick it up at once.

It turns out that a costumer had found the envelope earlier that afternoon and had turned it over to the food court security. They had waited for someone all afternoon to claim it, and, just around the time I was having my fit of hysterics, the manager finally decided to go through the papers inside it to see if there was any contact information they could use to get in touch with me.

Coincidence? Maybe. Me, I firmly believe it was the power of praying friends and God taking pity on His stupid, scatterbrained daughter.

In this time of great uncertainty and major life changes, God continues to remind me that He's on top of everything. And despite my frequent flirtation with the edge of disaster, He brings forth miracle after miracle - and I cannot thank Him enough.

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Hitting Panic

photo by Krysten

I already have a flight date, almost all of my papers are in, and it seems as if all systems are really go. I've completed most of my shopping, and I have enough time to finish sorting out my stuff before I leave if I start doing it now.

Everything seems to be almost ready but me.

Can someone tell me where the brakes are?

I thought I'd had ample time to get my head around the fact that I am going to be leaving my entire life behind to start anew in a city I have never been to, where I do not know a single soul, away from everything I know and everyone I love. But D-day is approaching so much faster than I thought it would.

The urge to cling to the familiar is overpoweringly strong. The excitement of a new adventure is tempered by a good dose of fear, guilt, and sadness at the thought of leaving my support system behind. As the days to my departure wind down from one to the next, I have to stop myself from frantically looking for an escape hatch.

Talk about being careful what you wish for!

My friends are more excited for me than I am at this point. I guess it's easier for them to keep my life in perspective - that this is only going to be for a year (at least for now), that I need this change and the experience will be good for me, and, if the worst happens, I can always come home. Their encouragement is my lifeline and one of the biggest reasons I haven't exercised my right to change my mind.

Frankly, I still have no idea what I am doing - and I think that's a pretty good excuse to give in to panic every now and then, don't you? But despite my panic, I'm seeing this through with faith that the courage to jump is a real prelude to learning how to fly.

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Off the Edge

photo by timwillis

This is how I feel at the moment.

The visa is in, and suddenly I am careening full speed ahead. While I know I have been planning this trip for months, I feel like I've been suddenly pushed off the edge. Probably because, given my penchant for pessimism, I haven't really given myself any leeway to get used to the idea that I'm leaving.

On the other hand, glitches just keep on coming - some of them due to my own stupidity and lack of foresight. I am still running against the deadline, and since the process of getting the visa took so darn long, my papers there are no longer valid and I have to send new copies. It's a tedious and frustrating process. This is particularly daunting because I have bled my savings dry and if things don't fall through, I will be all but destitute.

Oh, well... nothing to be done now but let what will happen, happen! After all, they don't call it a leap of faith for nothing. Click here to read the rest of this post.

It's Out of My Hands - and I'm Going Nuts

Now that I've more or less made my immediate future plans more public, everyone has been asking me when I am leaving for Perth.

My standard response used to be, "Probably some time in May to early June." After a few weeks of the apparent inactivity of my employers' visa sponsorship papers in the DIMC, it became, "When the visa comes through - and, oh by the way, I haven't lodged my application yet."

These days, when asked the same question, I no longer attest when the visa comes through - I say, "If the visa ever comes through."

The waiting is obviously eroding into my optimism big time and undermining what little hard-earned courage I have to do this.

While patience has never been my strong suit, there is something else that makes my leaving within the next three months crucial. Due to the evolving rules regarding practicing medicine in Australia with a temporary registration, all who apply for a temporary license after June 30 are required to have passed the Australian Medical Council's written exam when they apply.

At the moment, all they require of foreign medical graduates to work in Western Australia is for an application to take the AMC exam to already be underway, authenticated credentials from your training institution, an acceptable score on the academic IELTS (for medical practitioners, 7 and above), and an initial application by your employer for temporary registration.

Scheduling the AMC written exam is no easy feat. At this point, the earliest schedule I can get would be in July 1, which I can take here in Manila. The rest of the scheduled test dates are off-shore in Australia. Which I cannot enter regardless because I do not have a visa.

*sigh* Maybe it's a sign.

The usual processing time for the visa once it is lodged (something I have YET to do) is roughly 4-8 weeks. If I don't lodge it soon, I'm not going to make deadline. Frankly, I have no idea what will happen if I don't make deadline. Will my employer withdraw my job offer? Will they give me the next few months to study and take the exam? (And taking the exam is a whole other cesspool of anxiety waiting to happen.)

One wonders why I am subjecting myself to this anxiety in the first place. If I had just taken the fellowship exam and gone straight into fellowship, I wouldn't be tearing my hair out in frustration right about now. I could have a well-charted life here. I would be doing a job that is suited to my level of training (a status which I have earned through a lot of hard work, I might add) rather than going down a step and taking on the challenge of being a general practitioner all over again - albeit, hospital based.

Sometimes, it really boggles my mind, too.

It's not so much that I am unpatriotic, and that I can't wait to take the next plane out of here. I won't deny that the better compensation is one of the reasons why I have decided to take a hiatus from training by getting a job abroad. While I have no long-term plans at the moment, I also won't deny that while I am there, I will be taking steps to allow me to eventually apply for a permanent residency should I wish to do so. I hope to come back, but I also believe in keeping options open. Everything at this point is up in the air.

Truth is, I really just want to get out of my staid old box, drive off the paved road, and experience something totally new. Does this make me a selfish, ungrateful person to put my needs first? The guilt hanging over my head says it does, but on another level, I also know I am just doing what I need to do to stay sane.

I've committed myself to this, and I am determined to see everything through regardless of outcome. If, in the end, I don't get to fly out at all, it's not because I didn't make a real go of it.

But it's all out of my hands, and it is driving me nuts.

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Post Scripts:

* I am interrupting regular programming for the next few days while I shed my anxieties and drink in the beauty of the Caramoan Peninsula with friends. Let's hope our trip to Bicol will not be as cursed by weather as the last time we went. I promise to take lots and lots of pictures this time!

* The Middle of Nowhere visited two medical blog carnivals this week - both very, very interesting reads. Our weekly all-Pinoy Blog Rounds, with the theme "The Doctor as Patient" is up at Dr. Tes's site. One of my posts was also included in this week's Grand Rounds at Dr. Wes's site. Medical-minded readers might want to take a look at those while I'm away. Great weekend reading!

Okay - I'm off to pack for my two days in the summer sun.

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The Blog Rounds 3 - At a Crossroads

Welcome to the Middle of Nowhere and the 3rd Edition of The Blog Rounds!

Before anything else, I'd like to thank all the medical bloggers who participated in this edition of The Blog Rounds for their enthusiastic response. Many new voices have been added this week - and I am hoping this won't be the last time they will be joining our particular chorus! Given the very personal nature of the topic for the week, the honesty and candor of all the bloggers have made it a joy to read the stories they have chosen to share.

Now, I would like to help them share their stories with all of you.

Without further ado, I bring you TBR 3 - At a Crossroads.

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The nitty-gritty of the pursuit to the elusive M.D. and beyond is a mystery to most. In Crossroads and Crossed Roads, Dr. Em Dy sets the stage by detailing the major crossroads in every doctor's life.

There are as many reasons behind the choice to pursue a medical career as there are doctors. But as Doc Tes skeptically points out in her native Cebuano, one favorite reason given by aspiring medical students in their interviews is the catch-all reason, "To Serve Humanity."

Given the difficulty of the journey, the choice to continue is presented to one time and again, and, ultimately, not everyone decides to go into clinical practice or even to finish medicine. Kitty Mama was once a doctor-in-training who made the choice to leave that life for a new one. In Margarita, she talks about her experience of being exposed to the hospital for the very first time - one event that she used to sustain her during her stay as a medical trainee. Bubbleman, on the other hand, chooses the Other road much later in his medical journey. In On Choices, he attempts to tell us why he is no longer practicing medicine and to connect the dots of his choices into a pattern that makes sense.

Being at the cusp of a new phase in your life, on a new road you have chosen, can both be exhilarating and terrifying. Merry Cherry, a young doctor to the barrio, recalls the terrifying feeling of anticipation before her deployment and shares her thoughts on where she is more than a year after she first began this particular journey. In Roadkill, new graduate Kai describes the feeling of literally being in the driver's seat for the first time and makes this experience a metaphor for her life in the near future. Doc Whisperer shares with us a poem about the changes that can follow making a choice in Crossroads.

The end of any chapter in a doctor's life always leads to a crossroad - which can sometimes translate into a dead end. In my post, "Stop, World, I'm Getting Off!," I explain my choice to slow down a career that is going too fast for my liking in order to figure out where I want to go. Manggy describes the end of medical school as his Pre-Life Crisis and draws a blank on what to do next as he stands at the crossroads of choosing where to practice medicine. Angel-No-More finds herself at a crossroads of a different sort, as she comes to some realizations upon reaching the big 3-0.

To others, however, coming to a crossroads when one reaches the end of their training causes their life to open up. Midnight Rainbow, in her post Ang Biyahe ng Buhay Ko, likens her life to a highway and talks about the stops and detours that have led her to where she is today - and a future full of possibility. In her first ever Blog Rounds post, Lei Si talks about why she chose medicine and the "everything else" she wants to do now that she's found her life's calling.

Sometimes the choice of the road to take is dictated by circumstance, Fate, or some Unseen Hand. Abner Hornedo chronicles his meandering journey from choosing one specialty and ending up in another in Fate Sometimes Decides. In Megamom's Two or Three, she recalls making a major life decision influenced by her being a woman of science - but whose final outcome was wonderfully orchestrated by God. Ness, a practicing anesthesiologist, shares her experience as a doctor who studied nursing as a second course - but is still practicing medicine in the Philippines.

Sometimes we try to reassure ourselves that we are going the right direction by looking for "signs" along the way. Prudence blogs about the "signs" she has looked out for during her journey through medicine and wonders if they are really worth watching out for.

There are some whose paths have led them to where they feel they are meant to be and are content with the choices they have made. Doctor Joey, another ophthalmologist, talks about some of the major crossroads in her life and her satisfaction with their outcomes. In his post Babies, Bulbuls, and Bonsai Trees, Doc Noel learns of the joys of coming home and the freedom of starting his own private practice in General Santos City. Bone MD recounts his long arduous journey through medical school to starting his present practice as an Orthopedic surgeon in the hinterlands of Mindanao in Nowhere to Go But Up.

We cannot touch on the topic of the choices doctors make and not touch on the controversial diaspora of Filipino doctors to other lands. Often, medical workers are perceived as "the bad guy" in the deteriorating health condition of the country today without being given a chance to have their say. But why do doctors leave? Their stories may be different, but their reasons are surprisingly quite alike.

Dr. Doray of Doralicious is now serving as a councilor in Quezon City - but two years ago she was actually planning to train abroad. Tongue-in-cheek, she shares with us the plans she made then and the reasons behind them, before Fate stepped in and changed them all. With dry wit, RG recounts his impulsive choice to begin a new journey in the land Down Under and the reasons behind his decision in All is Quiet on New Year's Day. Another young MD, AnnKat, talks about how a change in plans does not equal a change of heart in Exodus. Finally, Dr. Martin Bautista, Filipino doctor and former senatorial candidate, blogs about his choice to train and start a practice abroad and how his experiences and his desire to serve have led him back home.

The theme "At a Crossroads" was a bid to uncover the people behind the white coat for non-medical readers while at the same time giving us medical people a common ground from where we can find new insights into our own lives through the experiences of others on the same journey. I hope that this collation of posts was able to do both.

Many thanks for participating - and see you next week at Doc Tes's place for TBR 4 with the interesting topic of The Doctor as Patient!


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Frozen Feet

photo by Sandi1947

After months of waiting in uncertainty, I finally got a definite job offer from this hospital in Perth, Western Australia.

Yes, it's true. I have decided to join the Great Filipino Diaspora - at least for the next year or so - in my bid to figure out what I really want to do with the rest of my life and move out of my safety zone. Starting a new job in a city where everyone is a stranger, away from everything I know and everyone I love, is probably as far out of a safety zone anyone can ever get.

There is still much to be done before this next phase in my "life-with-no-plan" is a sure thing - visas to be processed, papers to be fixed - and at any point plans could still change or go awry. Not the least of these things-to-do is my faxing a signed copy of the contract to my employers before my 10-day deadline is up. However, I've been sitting on the matter because faxing that contract back to them with my signature on it makes everything more real.

Now that this completely new journey is immenent, I'm not sure I have the gumption to take it. Despite my resolve to embrace the unexpected, I have a serious case of cold feet.

I've complained often enough about straight roads and pipe dreams, but I have never been a risk-taker. I liked living safe, even if a part of me knew I was working myself into a rut. I was walking a well-planned route, living life using a detailed map. It didn't leave a lot of room for improvisation, but at least I knew exactly where I was going.

I've been restless and my life is begging for something to jumpstart it. This opportunity could be what I've been waiting for, but... what can I say? I've always been big on indecision and timidity.

This is uncharted territory. I'm standing at the edge of a precipice so high, and I can't see where I will land. Understandably, much as I want to defy gravity, I am frozen in place and reluctant to jump.

I need to borrow some courage - or, barring that, I need someone to give me a big hard shove off this cliff I'm on.
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New POEA Policy on Direct Hiring - How Will This Affect Us Doctors?

I posted this message on the Pinoy MD forum last night, in the hopes that more fellow doctors will be made aware of this new policy on Direct Hiring. I know that most of my contacts and most of those in my extended network are young doctors like myself, who are considering going overseas for training and employment opportunities.

As doctors, most of us who seek work abroad do not go through recruitment agencies but rather apply on our own and are hired directly by hospitals we are matched to (in the US) or are accepted into (in other countries). Since I see no provisos in the copy of the memorandum (you can get to read the full document over here) for doctors, this will definitely affect our own bids to leave the country through direct hiring. This will be particularly problematic for colleagues who have been given H1b visas to the US. The rest of us who are to be sponsored on temporary employment visa will be greatly affected as well.

How it will ultimately affect us (and our chances for being matched and hired by hospitals abroad), I don't know. But its effects will likely be detrimental rather than benificial given the recent economic slowdown and the fierce atmosphere of competition in the world at large. The POEA has just given foreign hospitals one more good reason not to hire Filipino.

Here is the content of my post on the Pinoy MD forum:

Hello, everyone! I hope people will not be angry with me for cross-posting this in the Health Issues Thread and the Career Opportunities thread, but I feel that our community should be made aware of this new policy. Surprisingly enough, it was a doctor friend of mine already working in Australia who picked this story up and posted it on his blog for the rest of us.

http://www.gmanews.tv/story/77354/Warning-aired-vs-new-hiring-policy-for-OFWs

This is very much a topic of concern for doctors because most of the jobs and training programs we secure from abroad are a result of "direct hiring." We do not go through any of the recruitment agencies when we are matched, or when we apply directly to hospitals abroad for RMO positions and the like. I have already been to the POEA site, and you can download the guidelines in PDF form from the home page.

Among the new changes in the policy is the requirement of USD 11,000 as bond for repatriation and the like for every employee that a company hires through direct hiring. Given the extremely competitive atmosphere in the global market, what company would choose to hire a Pinoy worker directly for that much extra cost when he can shell out a lot less to hire some equally qualified worked through a recruitment agency or from another country all together?

Admittedly, this is all allegedly being done in the guise of "protecting" OFWs from being preyed upon by opportunistic direct-hiring companies abroad.

However, given our government's track record, I can't help but question their motives. I can't help but wonder which recruitment agencies managed to lobby hard enough and shell out enough money to have this change implemented. All the more fishy is how a change in policy this significant has not even generated a buzz in the OFW community - is the POEA keeping this under wraps? How could something with huge repercussions for the hundreds of Filipino workers trying to find work abroad and do not want to go through a recruitment agency (that will only get a huge chunk of their cash and process their applications at the same rate or even slower) have been enacted without a peep of protest?

All this has accomplished is to greatly diminish a Filipino OFWs chance of being hired at all - thus forcing him to resort to paying these so-called "legitimate" and "registered" recruitment agencies to help them find a job. In the end, who really has benefited from this policy? Is it the really the Filipino workers? Or the opportunistic recruitment agencies that prey on their desperation? Frankly, the fact that our own countrymen are preying on their own is even more disgusting and difficult to stomach. We continue to become our own enemy.

I know that a good number of people who frequent this board are taking the MLEs and other foreign licensing exams or have been matched already. Since this policy change was implemented January 17, this will all affect you as well.

I really hope that some form of collective action can be initiated and done on this manner. At the very least, the POEA and the DOLE must explain the rationale for this move to the public. It should be our choice to make to stay here rather than to have to unlock shackles of our government's making in order to exercise our right to seek employment in the way we see fit and work abroad.

I hope we all do our part in letting your classmates and friends (especially those with plans to go to the US and have already spent so much of their hard-earned money in the process) know about this new development.

The sooner we can generate enough noise to publicize this and its implications on our future, perhaps it will also be the sooner the government will take action on it. Thank you very much!

As a post-script, I would like to share with you the post of another member of the Pinoy MD forum, which he posted in this thread.

I just happen (sic) to inquire from an Australian recruitment agency. Nakakalungkot but I don't know if this is true for us filipino doctors. I just want to share his reply to me.

Dear Doctor

Thank you for your application, opportunities in Australia have somewhat narrowed for Filipinos. Filipino's (sic) if any are accepted and it is unlikely that they will be are now subject to a 10 000 USD bond refunded on completion of a 2 year contract.

We recommend you try America

Thanks

Doctors Recruitment

Thank you very much, POEA and DOLE, for shutting down the few windows of opportunity our desperate people already have.

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