Pipe Dreams

On more frustrating days, I wonder what my life would have turned out to be if I hadn't chickened out at the sight of the bright studio lights when I was 4 years old.

I was just about to burst into the Philippine TV scene as Nova Villa and Freddie Webb's precocious daughter on Chicks to Chicks, thanks to my aunt's showbiz connections. I was smart, I was confident, and my mother and my aunt had practiced me at being cute till I could do it on demand. I was all set and raring to go.Until I saw those lights.

It was the end of my showbiz career.

On other days, I toy around with the idea of giving up my current career to spend the rest of my days as a freelance fluff piece writer/romance novelist/lounge singer. This would be more realistic than trying to break into showbiz at my current age of 27, and thus less of a pipe dream.

On really bad days, I can actually imagine myself doing this for real despite the fact that romance novels in the Philippines are published in Filipino. I cannot string together a respectable essay in my own language that doesn't sound like a complete joke. Given that particular handicap, how am I supposed to write dialogue for my characters that might pass for a romantic conversation without making them sound like they were possessed by a bunch of colegilialas?

Last night, my friend Honey railroaded me into singing a number on stage at this open mic acoustic bar... and I realized that while I may have the voice of a potentially good lounge singer, I am definitely not blessed with the vampy, confident personality that marks any good solo performer. I was too shy to look my audience in the eye. It was like being 4 years old again, with those huge studio lights flashing in my eyes. I love to sing, and in certain circumstances I like to perform, but I don't think I have the gumption to make it a for-the-rest-of-my-life thing.

Despite these roadblocks to my potential escape routes, I keep these pipe dreams alive just to keep my sanity on those days I feel I can't go on. And there are glimmers of hope.After all, they do publish local chick fic in English now. And maybe, just maybe, one of these days I might gain enough confidence to be that vampy, smoky voiced singer I've always secretly wanted to be.

On the other hand, maybe those hard days are all set to come fewer and farther in between - and I will finally be able to kiss my pipe dreams goodbye. But maybe that's the biggest pipe dream of all.