A Song for the Meantime

It's probably a reflection of the loss of my expressive abilities that I constantly relate my life-in-progress to existing songs. I guess it's easier for me to use someone else's words and music rather than thinking up some of my own - because it's not as if I would be saying anything that hasn't been said before.

These days, I've obviously taken to channeling Sarah Mclachlan. Her haunting voice and the poetry of her songs are a perfect foil to where I am at the moment. The song that follows is from her "Afterglow" album, which is, for me, probably her best one. Moody, brooding, painfully honest songs that hit the heart of the matter, dead center.

Some things, like heartbreak and music, are simply universal.

Stupid
Sarah McLachlan

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

There's no point in fighting these things, really. All that's left is to ride it out and hope that this song for the meantime will change - and soon.
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Coming into Her Own

video by carine23

It's strange how things sometimes conspire to remind me of certain life lessons that I still need learning - all within the same week.

It all began with this blog entry by my blog buddy and romance guru, Evil Woobie.

Having written about singlehood on and off over the past few months - mainly because it's one of the circumstances that tilted the scales towards taking this particular life adventure I am currently on - I couldn't resist posting a comment to her post in reply.

it’s a cliche that everything happens for a reason, but i believe it - and that all the events in my life so far have led me to where i am today… a happy place to be. :)

i am so happy i had the chance to do this on-my-own thing and discover that i can be this person - strong, independent, and ready to take on anything. achievements aside, looks aside, and relationship-status aside, i know i’ll always have that under my belt and it is an accomplishment i will always be proud of. :)

I don't think that I've sounded as well-adjusted as that in a long time. (My long-time friends might even attest that I've probably NEVER sounded that well-adjusted, as I have always lived with the cloud of my myriad neuroses hanging over my head.)

But while I am certainly in a good place at the moment, there are days when it doesn't take a lot to propel me outside my happy place. It's probably because I've been so used to being so down on myself for so long that actually feeling good about me takes a lot of getting used to. And sometimes I have to fight quite hard to keep the negative voices from drowning out my inner cheerleader in training. Specially when the snarky comments come from important people in my life who sometimes say things that chip away at me simply because they don't know any better.

In keeping with my current lesson plan, I had such a moment just a few days after my enlightened comment on Woobie's blog.

For a fleeting moment, I felt like I was tumbling into the same old self-destructive pattern I've gotten used to for years - defensiveness and defiance. But, in a surprising victory for my inner cheerleader, I suddenly realized that what these people said didn't matter.

Because, for the first time in a long time, I actually feel dang good about me.

I'm brave. I'm strong. Life stretches out before me that's still filled with all sorts of possibility. And I kick ass.

And no one can ever take that feeling away from me but me.

Lots of people grow up knowing this simple truth - but what can I say? I'm a very slow learner.

It's high time I let my inner cheerleader come into her own - and give her room to dance.

* * * *

Post Script: This song is currently on tops on my "Girl Power" list at the moment. I love it because it has such a positive and powerful message. And it's also very true. I was looking for the original music video to embed on this post, but I think this slideshow I found on YouTube pretty much does the trick.

Don’t Need You To (Tell Me I’m Pretty)
Samantha Mumba

I don't need you to
Tell me I'm pretty to make me feel beautiful
I don't need you to
give me your strength
To make me feel I'm strong

I got all of this strength that I need
here inside my own two hands
All that I want is your love and respect for who I am
What I really need comes from deep inside of me

Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty to make me feel beautiful, no
Don't need you to make me strong, cause I’m strong all on my own
Doesn't come from outside
This beauty I know
Comes from inside my soul

I don't need you to
believe in me to make me know I'm worth believing in
I don't need you to
lift me up high to know I can stand tall

I can stand my own ground, I can stand proud upon my own two feet
Don't have to be part of somebody else to be complete
What I really need
Comes from deep inside of me

Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty to make me feel beautiful, no
Don't need you to make me strong, cause I’m strong all on my own
Doesn't come from outside
This beauty I know
Comes from inside my soul

Don't need to come to you for confirmation
Because I finally found this revelation
What I really need I’m gonna find inside of me
Not in somebody else
Respect, comes when you respect yourself

Don't need you to tell me I’m pretty
To know I’m beautiful

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Discovering "A Fine Frenzy"

I haven't been able to sate my music addiction for quite a while, even if my battered iPod (which I must replace before it completely falls apart) has been my constant sanity-saving companion through this journey so far. But my need for new work-out music (yes, I have gotten off my lazy bum and started exercising again - more on that later) and a reason to procrastinate from studying (can you blame me? I've been studying for something or other for more than half my life) led me to this delightful new sound to add to my ecclectic playlist.

Knowing my fondness for indie/singer-songwriter artists, Jean - travel companion and fellow music addict - first introduced me to A Fine Frenzy while I was marooned in Amanpulo and told me their single "Almost Lover" would be perfect for my beach soundtrack. The song was injected with just the right amount of angst and wistfulness to accompany a solitary sunset with no one but the sea for company - and I loved it.

On the basis of that one song, I've managed to hunt down the rest of the tracks off their album, "One Cell in the Sea," and with the exception of a couple which I chucked out, I have loved most of them. Lead singer, Alison Sudol, has a haunting voice that just grabs at you, and the artful arrangements of piano and guitar provide a great foil for it.

But one of the things I like most about her music is the honest and heartfelt storytelling that comes in every song. I'm a sucker for "I can so relate to that!" lyrics - which means that, on occasion, my playlist does descend into pure sentimental pap. I'm a sap - so sue me!

My current favorite track from this really great album is "Whisper." Aside from the catchy melody and great guitar, it kind of tells the story of my present life in less than five minutes. Other gems for me are "Near to You," and "Ashes and Wine."

I never claimed to be an expert in music, just someone who loves it - so maybe you should take my review with a grain of salt. But if you have time to spare and are looking for a new artist to add to your personal soundtrack, you really should give the music of "A Fine Frenzy" a try.

Whisper

Running the race
Like a mouse in a cage
Getting nowhere but I'm trying
Forging ahead
But I'm stuck in the bed
That I made so I'm lying

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me still

Eager to please,
Trying to be what they need
But I'm so very tired
I've stopped trying to find
Any peace in my mind
Because it tangles the wires

But if you keep real close
Yeah, you stay real close
I will reach you

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

The sound tires on my lips
To fade away into forgetting

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me

I'm down to a whisper
In a daydream on a hill
Shut down to a whisper
Can you hear me
Can you hear me still

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Cookie Love

I've never been a fan of the "American Idol" franchise the way some of my other friends and family have been (Raymond and my dad, in particular). And much as I love music, rock has never been my favorite genre. But in my case, idle minds turn to "Idol" minds, and I found myself tuning into this year's competition... and actually rooting for someone - and a rocker, to boot!

My bet, David Cook, is the winner of American Idol season 7!

I would have voted for him via text if I could... not that he needed it, with a 12 million vote margin against runner up, tweener favorite and crooner-wanna be David Archuleta.

I started watching AI this season just to pass the time - and also because I was curious about the Filipina finalist Ramiele Malubay. But the Cookie soon emerged as my runaway favorite, catching my ear with his now-famous Mariah cover and finally making me a believer with his version of Neil Diamond's "All I Really Need is You."



David Cook, hands down, beats the rest of the playing field in stage presence and being a total performer. Archuleta, the Cookie's closest rival, is strong vocally, but as a performer still needs a bit of growing up to do.

While the Cookie was the pundits' clear favorite, the judges were particularly scathing to him during finals night. Coupled with the Little David's strong performance, it seemed as if Big David's AI hopes were down the drain. In fact, my friends and fellow Cookie fans and I were already consoling ourselves that maybe not winning the AI title would even be a good thing for him - less pressure and more freedom.

There are some speculations that the anti-Cookie sentiments from the judges were just put-on to add to the drama of the win. Nonetheless, drama or no drama, I really think David Cook deserved the title.

Besides, the final song was perfect for him - and is, hopefully, a hit waiting to happen. If "All I Really Need is You" will be on the album, I'm definitely going to be one of the first people standing in line to buy it. But even without it, my non-rocker self will probably get a copy anyway.

I should have thought of betting money against my dad - who predicted with impunity that it was the Arch that would triumph (he thought Cook was too cocky for his own good). I could have put the money into my must-have-these fund!

Did any of you watch the AI season 7 finale? And if so, who were you betting on, the Cookie or the Arch?



Go, David Cook!
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Rickrolling Down Memory Lane

It's a testimony to how much time I've been spending on-line these days that I've been a victim of the Rickroll too many times for me to keep track of.

Not that I've minded it too much.

While many perpetrators of the latest huge internet prank are probably too young to remember Rick Astley's heyday, the sight of the hiralious dance steps, the big hair, and the high-waisted pants evoke in me a feeling of nostalgia. (Admit it, people, you all used to wear your hair and your pants this way, too!)

I was ten years old when Rick Astley's big voice first hit the Manila airwaves. At the time, I was just beginning to discover the joys of having my own set of cassette tapes to play on my own Walkman. Unfortunately, it was the late 80's - hardly a dignified era for the pop music scene.

While I did experience the tail-end of the New Wave music era, 80's pop music got its hooks into me pretty well. My preferences at the time ran to the ever-present Madonna, Debbie Gibson (whose songs I used to sing to with a hairbrush in front of our full-length mirror), Bananarama, Kylie Minogue, the Jets, and New Kids on the Block (I dare my elementary and high school classmates to deny their devotion to these guys!).

And, of course, there was good ol' Rick, whose songs I still - to my shame - know the lyrics to to this day.

Most music junkies have memories associated with the songs they grew up to, and for me Rick Astley's songs are no exception.

Those familiar big band vocals and distinctive Stock, Aitken, and Waterman beat brings to mind my first-ever trip to Baguio (My "Hold Me in Your Arms" cassette was among the few we took on the trip, and we played it whenever our car radio could not pick up broadcasts from any station); the silly dance-aerobics presentation we had for our fifth grade PE class (for which we used one of his songs), and, yes, watching quintessential Rick-Astley-wannabe Roderick Paulate singing and dancing to "Together Forever" on TV with my mom at home.

My musical tastes have broadened, matured, and hopefully improved over the past 20 years. But I confess there's a secret place in my present-day iPod for Rick Astley's greatest hits - as well as many of those old 80's pop ditties I grew up to but should have sent to some forgotten place to die. And, yes, believe it or not, there are days when this playlist still gets exclusive playtime while I am negotiating exasperating Manila traffic. Yes, singing and bopping to kitschy 80's pop music makes me less inclined to shoot the other traffic-causing idiots on the road.

I second this motion: given the influx of 80's acts into the Manila concert scene and the huge exposure he's getting from the Rickrolling phenomenon, it's high time someone brought Rick Astley to Manila. If I'm here, I just might splurge on a ticket and watch him do a live Rickroll - no tricks required. What can I say? I'm a fan, albeit a closet one (but not anymore! *LOL*).

To convince the skeptics and as a treat to the closet fans who are just dying to admit it, I'll leave you with the internet video sensation that has caught the world by storm - Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up." That is, if you haven't been a victim and seen it for yourself! Won't this be awesome seen live?



On the other hand, if you're not up for a dose of Rickrolling fun - you should check out this great Muppets video instead.

Enjoy!

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Mix Tape Tag

photo by Angel Baby 9000

Jet thought up this really great music meme that I, a musical junkie, simply could not pass up.

Music has always been one of my enduring addictions, right up there with chocolate, books, stargazing, and nailbiting. I blame it on having grown up singing by my aunt's piano - and practically everywhere else. In any gathering, you will always find me by any person playing a musical instrument - or by the videoke machine. I know an absurd number of songs by heart - a fickle trick of the memory that completely deserts me when I am trying to memorize medical facts.

I've been collecting music since the good old days of cassette, pre-BASF days, when it used to cost P45 a tape. I used to give my friends mix tapes on a regular basis, back in the days of the double cassette deck and I would have to copy tracks from one cassette tape to another. Some two decades later, the advent of MP3 files and CD writers has made my life so much easier. I always like sharing bits and pieces of my eclectic music collection to uninitiated friends - which is precisely why I simply cannot resist this tag.

Here's what we do.

1. Choose 19 of the songs you like best, regardless of artist or genre.
2. Put them all together in a CD.
3. Make 5 other copies.
4. Post your playlist on your blog.
5. Choose 5 people and share your playlist with them. Also, send your playlist to the one who tagged you.

Okay, this is going to be a tough one. I am simply incapable of choosing 19 songs I like best of all-time... there are just so very many of them in my collection - all of which I really do listen to. Besides that, their position on my I-love-this-song chart varies depending on my mood or what I feel like listening to for the moment. So I'm going to have to do this quickly - otherwise, I'll end up changing my choices here and there and will probably end up never posting this!

Presenting... dr_clairebear's 19 picks for mix tape sharing - what I feel like listening to - at least for tonight. (Aren't you glad I'm not in a campy 80's or 70's disco mood?) :)


Side A - Pretty Songs for Reflective Moods

Violet Sky - Keri Noble
Lullabye for a Stormy Night - Vienna Teng
Sweet Chariot - Charlotte Martin
Send Me a Song - Celtic Woman
Gravity - Sara Bareilles
Back Where We Started - Tina Dico
Fire Sign - David Berkley
Ghost - Indigo Girls
Time - Sarah McLachlan

Side B - Happy Songs To Drive To

Those Sweet Words - Norah Jones
100 Years - Five for Fighting
Fools Like Me - Lisa Loeb
Midnight Bottle - Colbie Callait
Everything - Michael Buble
Little Superhero Girl - Corrinne May
Do I Need a Reason - D' Sound
Breathe - Michelle Branch
Bliss - Alice Peacock with John Mayer
Glorious - Natalie Imbruglia


I tag Ris and Woobie (whose musical grab bags I'm curious about), Linc (who I know by now does not do tags, but I also know has an 80's playlist of maudlin' songs on his About Page - so it's worth a shot), Manggy (who likes Sarah McLachlan, so must have some pretty music in his collection. And he has a closet love for pop, too!), and Lis (who gave a pretty lengthy recommendation list over here which I have yet to mine).

Guys, please email me your email addresses so I can send you my playlist link. I would burn this for you in a heartbeat, but I don't trust our snail mail system. But it's negotiable. ;) You can reach me at dr[dot]clairebear [at] gmail[dot]com.

(Jet, hope you don't mind I reworded the meme a little, just in case Big Brother is watching. :))

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Faith Like a Child's

photo by skoric

As I wander the middle of nowhere in this in between time in my life, this is one thing I have in such short supply.

Letting go and letting God is something that has always been so hard for me. Despite knowing this in my head, my gut still refuses to accept that all I have is the illusion of being in control. Because I am not, no matter how hard I try to be on top of all the variables or clutch my life's steering wheel tightly in my hands.

So I continue to run around with a cloud of doubt always hanging over my head, constantly second guessing and mulling over worst case scenarios, afraid to make the next move or to take risks because of a hundred what-ifs and what-might-happens.

Why is it that even if I know in my heart God only wants the best for me, I can't stop worrying and - at the expense of sounding blasphemous - wondering if He really knows what He's doing?

My heart obviously has a lot of catching up to do.


* * * *

Help Me Believe
music and lyrics by Nichole Nordeman

Take me back to the time
When I was maybe eight or nine
And I believed

When Jesus walked on waters blue
And if He helped me I could, too
If I believed

Before rational analysis and systematic thinking
Robbed me of a sweet simplicity

When wonders and when mysteries
Were far less often silly dreams
and childhood fantasies

Help me believe
cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see
Much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
To touch an Angel's wing
And I would be free
Help me believe.

When mustard seeds made mountains move
A burning bush that spoke for You
was good enough

When manna fell from heavens high
Just because You told the sky
To open up

Am I too wise to recognize that everything uncertain
Is certainly a possibility

When logic fails my reasoning
and science crushes underneath
The weight of all that is unseen

Help me believe
cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see
Much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
To touch an Angel's wing
And I would be free
Help me believe.

When someone else's education
plays upon my reservations
I'm the first to cave
I'm the first to bleed

If I abandoned all that seeks
To make my faith informed and chic
Could you?
Would you?
show Yourself to me?


* * * *

Post Script: To everyone who has expressed interest in joining the upcoming Blog Rounds - thank you so much in advance! I am looking forward to reading all of your posts. I'm really sorry I have not been able to answer your comments one by one - I haven't had much time to breathe these past few days, let alone blog! But don't worry, I promise we will go on as scheduled. :)

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A Soundtrack for a Walk on the Beach

My vision of an ideal afternoon is being able to indulge in two of my absolute favorite things - music and the beach. Any music junkie worth her salt has a playlist for every occasion, and an afternoon stroll on the beach is no exception.

Of course the music anyone wants to walk to on the beach is always a matter of taste. But I've always found that the lazy rhythms of reggae and ska and the soothing vocals of bossa nova are the perfect complement to the whisper of an afternoon sea breeze, the gentle lap of waves on the shore, and the stunning beauty of a summer sunset. I also include songs that are not bossa or reggae that are happy and carefree and give voice to my exhilaration at being somewhere I've always loved. It's great accompaniment to the watching the world go by.

What follows is the sample track list from my happy, hodge-podge seaside mix-tape.

Every Breath You Take - UB40
Baby I Love Your Way - Big Mountain
Summer Samba - Bebel Gilberto
Glorious - Natalie Imbruglia
Waters of March - Sergio Mendes
Wouldn't It Be Nice - Beach Boys
Everyday is a Holiday - Esthero
I Can See Clearly Now - Jimmy Cliff
It's Not Easy - Marcos Valle
Hey Look at the Sun - Sitti Navarro
Do I Need a Reason - D' Sound
Any Lucky Penny - Nikki Hassman
Copernicus - Basia
Ooh Child - Marvin Gaye
More Today than Yesterday - Spiral Staircase
Can't Take my Eyes Off You - Fugees
Say a Little Prayer - Diana King
Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Bliss - Alice Peacock
No Woman, No Cry - Bob Marley
Underneath It All - No Doubt
Getting Better - Smashmouth
Carribean Blue - Big Mountain
Violet Sky - Keri Noble
Angel - Shaggy
Breathe - Michelle Branch
Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
Like a Lover - Sergio Mendes
Before the Summer is Gone - The Company
Do You Believe in Magic - The Turtles
Just No Ordinary Day - Sofia
Beach Samba - Astrud Gilberto
Lemonade Afternoon - The Company
How Sweet It Is - Marvin Gaye
Waiting in Vain - Bob Marley

Yesterday afternoon, I finally got to walk around the island as planned - though I had to do it in two parts. I took the east side of the island early in the morning, then the west side of the island in the afternoon after work with a long, leisurely pause to watch the sun set on another day. To someone who grew up on the fever pitch and the unsettling stress of the rush hour commute, this is a form of heaven.

In my perfect world, I would live a stone's-throw away from a beautiful beach, be able to quit work in time for sunset, and be able to trade my white coat for the hat of a beach bum every single day.

Beach junkies will all agree.
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Music: Wanted

In order to make up for the vitriol of my last post, I've decided to make up for lost time (while our DSL was on the fritz) by putting up another post before returning to the monstrous black hole called Studying that is now taking up all of my time.

One addiction I haven't been able to indulge in lately is my voracious quest for new music for my MP3 collection. I don't claim to be a fan of any one genre; a trip through my iPod will show you that the only qualification a song needs to find its way is in there is the fact that I like it.

Songs in my collection range from classic to cheezy, easy listening to pop-rock. It's a well-represented mix of songs that spans several decades, with some centuries-old classical in the mix. It's a place where Pachelbel meets Parokya ni Edgar, Madonna is next-door neighbors with the Carpenters, and Frank Sinatra gets equal playing time as Earl Klugh and Smashmouth. Broadway belters like Lea Salonga and Idina Menzel are joined by a liberal dash of Usher, Babyface, and Corinne Bailey Rae.

I label my collection eclectic. A friend of mine, with curled lip and rolling eyeballs, derisively calls it Chick Music.

I think my very confused playlist has been heavily influenced by having parents who are relatively far apart in age and who both unabashedly enjoy music as much as I do. I grew up listening to the smooth, heart-melting voices of crooners from the big band era such as Nat King Cole thanks to my Dad; my Mom weaned me on the Beatles and the music of the late 60's and 70's. More of my musical fodder was provided by my aunt's collection of piano pieces, which I grew up singing to, and my stint as a member in my school choirs.

As I grew up, my own playlist has increased in size and variety as songs which I decide to call mine are promptly taken, stored, and find a permanent home in my personal music data bank. I get them from everywhere - recommendations from friends, off movie soundtracks and TV shows, mentions on various on-line forums I frequent (whose main topic of interest is NOT even music). If I like a song by an artist, I usually try to check out the rest of his or her work. Sometimes I fall in love with a song because of its melody, but most times it's the lyrics that hold my ear captive and gain my undying loyalty. (In my music, just as I am with the rest of my stuff, I am an hopeless pack rat.)

Since I continue to consider music as one of my greatest comforts and pleasures, my collection is still growing.

These days I'm addicted to what I call "pretty music." Music lover does not equal music expert, so I am at a loss for words finding a genre under which I can put these recent favorites of mine! Lately, the soothing, piano-driven melodies of Vienna Teng, Charlotte Martin, Corrine May, and Keri Noble, the heartbreaking voice and poetry of Sarah McLachlan, and the catchy, empowered sound of new-comer Sara Bareilles have taken up the most often played spots on my iPod. I also listen to a small selection of Kate Havenevik, Imogen Heap, and Dido. I've also been sing-along-addicted to songs from the hit Broadway musical Wicked.

You can get an idea of what I've been listening to lately by visiting my Last.fm dashboard. (All music lovers should have this!)

What's on your playlist? Do share. I'm always on the look out for new music to love.



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