Thanksgiving

I'll be working through Christmas once more in order to distract myself from the fact that I am going to be seriously alone for the holidays for the first time in my life.

Despite this and the notched down level of Christmas spirit over here (as compared to the rabid, frenetic holiday madness that descends upon Manila as early as September), I look back on the year that was and find that, in this season of gifts, I've been given so many gifts to be thankful for.

So instead of coming with a wish list of what I want for Christmas, I'm making a top ten list of what I've been most grateful for over the past year (both material and otherwise) as a way of saying thanks to the great, loving Someone who has never stopped looking out for me.

1. my current job - which was less a job than an amazing opportunity to jump off the edge of my safety zone and give me all this room to grow.

2. a supportive family - who, despite not quite agreeing with my plans (or lack thereof), were all-out in helping me get to where I am once they knew I'd pretty much made up my mind about things.

3. cheap airline tickets and cheap baggage fares coming over!

4. finding the perfect place to live so close to work, with an awesome landlady and some pretty interesting housemates.

5. real friends among my new co-workers.

6. real friends born from friends of friends, who warmly welcomed me into their circle and have adopted me as part of their surrogate family.

7. my car - which I bought on a shoestring budget but is absolutely great for what it is, a ten-year-old runabout without power steering.

8. finding myself loving to live in this beautiful, sleepy city on the water.

9. learning to embrace and savor being without a definite plan.

10. learning, for the first time in my life, to love being who I am and where I am at a given moment.

So, what's on your thanksgiving list?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Out of Narnia

I first fell in love with the land of Narnia as a little girl watching a cartoon version of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. The story of four ordinary children stumbling by accident into a magical land of talking animals and other mythical creatures come to life immediately captured my imagination. But it was when I found the entire series of books a few years later in our school library that I became a lifelong devotee.

There are seven books in this series by Christian author C.S. Lewis, all of which are related to each other yet can stand alone. Despite criticisms against them in recent years for their alleged "racist" and "sexist" undertones, these books stand as classics that are still loved the world over by both children and adults alike even today.

I've read all of the books in the series too many times to count and, even today, I continue to go back to these stories over and over again. One thing I've enjoyed about revisiting these books as a grown up is finding parallels to my Christian faith woven into the narrative. While C.S. Lewis denies that he created Narnia as an allegory of Christianity, he does not deny the existence of similarities, specially between Christ and Aslan, the Great Lion son of the Emperor-Over-the-Sea, guardian and savior of Narnia.

Reading the books as an adult, I have learned to appreciate the stories through the lenses of my experiences and see the instances where the fiction mirrors my life, more specifically my walk in faith.

In one of the books in the series, when Aslan tells some of the children it would be their last visit to Narnia, he explains that was because it was time that they got to know him and love him in their own world. Because he had met them and allowed them to know him in the fantastic world of Narnia, it would be easier for them to meet him and recognize him in their own world.

I have been given the privilege to meet God in very personal way many times in my life. Like the children of the Narnia saga, these encounters have seemingly been a product of coincidence, but with eyes of faith, I've realized that they were really brought about by His design.

But once I am back in the Real World, it becomes so easy to forget.

It's so hard to hear His voice in the noise and distraction of life. It's so hard to see how He is moving in my life when I'm so caught up in my own concerns. I praise Him that despite my stubborn insistence on straying, He constantly brings me back to Narnia, to remind me that He is the God of miracles, the God of love, and the God who keeps His promises.

That is the constant challenge He has for me - that I may persevere in the walk that He has called me to walk even during the times in my life when I can only vaguely remember the brief glimpse I had of Him. And it is my prayer that He will give me the grace to have that seeking heart, that I may be sensitive to feel Him moving in my life, recognize Him in my everyday, and love Him unabashedly - even when I am out of Narnia.



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Signposts for the Lost

photo by CellPhoneSusie

About a week ago, in response to an informal tag at Marjie's site, I glibly made a Hemingway-esque six-word story about my current reality as follows: "Lost at Crossroads, looking for map."

Things have been so vague and undefined since I left the structured halls and clear goals of my previous job that it finally became imperative to tell myself to stop and get my bearings. Wandering in the middle of nowhere, even leisurely wandering, can get old very fast. Lost is still lost, no matter how much fun you're having doing it.

So over the past few days, I've been off on a trip of a different sort - this time on a solitary journey inward.

Did I come away with any miraculous answers or "Eureka!" moments to take home with me? Unfortunately, I did not. No journey is never completed in an instant, after all. The world I have returned to is as vague and uncertain as ever, and I'm smack dab in the same middle of nowhere I took a break from.

What I did bring home with me is the reminder of promises made by the One who walks with me in my lostness, even when I often take for granted that He is there. So for fellow lost travelers on this unnamed and uncharted road, I just wanted to share some of these promises with you.

For those who feel out of control and frantic, He says, "Be still and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10

For those uncertain if they will ever find his way, He says, "For I know what my plans for you are, plans to save you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and to give you hope." - Jeremiah 29:11

For those who are afraid, He says, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name and you are mine... Since you are precious in my sight, and important - for I have loved you..." - Isaiah 43:1,4

My retreat director puts these promises in wonderful context when she says, "God doesn't promise that allowing Him to enter our choices will mean we will no longer be hurt or that it will be a sure thing. But our God is a reliable and faithful God, and what He promises is that He will be there with you as you walk through fire or through waters, and that His grace will be sufficient for that moment."

So while I still sit here in a quagmire of my own making, grappling over choices that I do not have any clear idea how to approach, there is the invitation and the challenge to trust Him to help me find my way out of this limbo I am in and into the fullness of life He has always wanted for me.

And as I stand here looking up at these signposts, I pray for the grace to let go and release my life into His all-knowing hands.

a commentary on The Road to Emmaus

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Book Cutting and the 123 Book Tag

Marjie tagged me with this book meme, and I couldn't resist.

The game goes:
1. Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag five people.

It's sort of like that book cutting game my friends and I used to play when I was younger. You get a book, ask a question, open the book to a certain page, and whatever was on that page is supposed to answer your question. It was one of the more popular ways of forcing Fate to give you a definite "sign."

My book-at-hand is something related to my previous post. I recently unearthed it in our bodega (storeroom shed) while I was looking for my board exam reviewers. I bought it a few years back, during my last year in medical school, when I was grappling with the dilemma of what I should do next with my life.

Finding myself at that same point right now, I brought the book back inside the house and have been meaning to read it again. With everything that's been going on here these past few days, I haven't gotten around to it yet. This tag seemed a good way to start.

My book? Stomie Omartian's "Just Enough Light for the Step I'm On: Trusting God in the Tough Times." The excerpt on page 123 as specified by the tag follows - but I'm breaking one of the tag rules and going over three sentences.


"What originally seemed like the end became a new beginning. But new beginnings don't happen without something ending.

"Major life changes can be scary. But if we don't cling desperately to the old life, the new experiences can be exciting as well. Trying to keep things from changing only makes the process miserable. It's far less upsetting to just let the old go and walk step by step with God into the new life He has for us."



I kid you not. This was really the excerpt based on the tag rules. Considering my most recent mind-boggling questions about my life, I can't help but think that there must be something to the whole book cutting thing. A coincidence? Maybe. After all, that is really what the book is all about. Or maybe it's God's way of giving me a few answers in a roundabout way. Who knows? Regardless of what is more true, I got the message.

But I digress. :)

Since this is a book tag, I'm tagging two voracious readers I know will have books within reach - Ris and Megamom. Anyone else who wants to do some book cutting of their own is very welcome to participate. Enjoy!

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Faith Like a Child's

photo by skoric

As I wander the middle of nowhere in this in between time in my life, this is one thing I have in such short supply.

Letting go and letting God is something that has always been so hard for me. Despite knowing this in my head, my gut still refuses to accept that all I have is the illusion of being in control. Because I am not, no matter how hard I try to be on top of all the variables or clutch my life's steering wheel tightly in my hands.

So I continue to run around with a cloud of doubt always hanging over my head, constantly second guessing and mulling over worst case scenarios, afraid to make the next move or to take risks because of a hundred what-ifs and what-might-happens.

Why is it that even if I know in my heart God only wants the best for me, I can't stop worrying and - at the expense of sounding blasphemous - wondering if He really knows what He's doing?

My heart obviously has a lot of catching up to do.


* * * *

Help Me Believe
music and lyrics by Nichole Nordeman

Take me back to the time
When I was maybe eight or nine
And I believed

When Jesus walked on waters blue
And if He helped me I could, too
If I believed

Before rational analysis and systematic thinking
Robbed me of a sweet simplicity

When wonders and when mysteries
Were far less often silly dreams
and childhood fantasies

Help me believe
cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see
Much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
To touch an Angel's wing
And I would be free
Help me believe.

When mustard seeds made mountains move
A burning bush that spoke for You
was good enough

When manna fell from heavens high
Just because You told the sky
To open up

Am I too wise to recognize that everything uncertain
Is certainly a possibility

When logic fails my reasoning
and science crushes underneath
The weight of all that is unseen

Help me believe
cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see
Much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
To touch an Angel's wing
And I would be free
Help me believe.

When someone else's education
plays upon my reservations
I'm the first to cave
I'm the first to bleed

If I abandoned all that seeks
To make my faith informed and chic
Could you?
Would you?
show Yourself to me?


* * * *

Post Script: To everyone who has expressed interest in joining the upcoming Blog Rounds - thank you so much in advance! I am looking forward to reading all of your posts. I'm really sorry I have not been able to answer your comments one by one - I haven't had much time to breathe these past few days, let alone blog! But don't worry, I promise we will go on as scheduled. :)

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A Port in the Storm

I recently unearthed a book by one of my favorite spiritual writers, Henri Nouwen, while I was sorting out the mess I brought home from the call room. The book, Seeds of Hope, is a collection of excerpts from his compelling body of work.

There is a prayer from that book I would like to share with all of you. It was read to us by our retreat master some years ago, and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. It is a very personal prayer of his that resonates with me right now because of where I am (or, rather, where I am not) in my spiritual journey. It's a reminder of God's constancy in the face of my own flakiness - something that I really, really need right now.

A Prayer to the God of Ebb and Flow

Dear Lord,

Today I thought of the words of Vincent Van Gogh: "It is true there is an ebb and flow but the sea remains the sea."

You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same.

Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained; and to your love I am always called back.

There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failures and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.

My only real temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, to remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow, but that the sea remains the sea. Amen.

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