Crappy Birthday to Me

I'll be honest, it's been very hard to celebrate today. Today began in a particularly craptastic fashion, what with flunking a practical driving test after I took leave especially so I could take it. (Don't ask.) A fairly minor mishap in the greater scheme of things, but on top of growing a year older, all alone and far away from all the people I would want to celebrate with... the end result wasn't pretty.

It's so much easier to wallow. But as a wise friend recently told me, the only person who can create joy for me is me... and it's something that I have to work on, as well, for the sake of my sanity. And I figured I'd start by trying to change my perspective - at the very least of this day.

On the upside, I did get a whole lot of Facebook greetings from friends from afar, a few unexpected phone calls, and a pizza and pavlova dinner surprise from my surrogate family in Perth to sort of make up for the disaster that was my birthday. In the light of all that, despite my downward spiral into stress-induced depression, things weren't quite so bad.

It's a common wisdom that one of the most effective ways to get a better perspective on life is to celebrate all the things one should be grateful for. Given my propensity for utter negativity these days, I figured tonight - on the eve of yet another birthday - I would make an effort to celebrate the things that I am grateful for.


Here's my (very random) list!

- Both my parents, alive and reasonably healthy, albeit hundreds of miles away
- A warm and supportive extended family, both here in Aussie and in Manila
- A group of friends in my adopted city that has become my family away from home
- A growing number of godchildren!
- A full-time job that lets me earn a decent living
- Having a decent place to stay for a bargain price!
- Living near the water (something I have always dreamed of doing)
- being reasonably healthy - if not as fit as I was a few months ago
- Being alive.

Yes, I have quite a bit to be grateful for.


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Beddy-bye Baby Dreams

Just last year, heady with my new-found financial independence and single-woman empowerment, I boldly declared that if by the time I turned 35 I had still not found a suitable partner to start a family with, I was going to have a baby. On my own. By hook or by crook.

I have since then changed my mind.

Parenthood is hard enough to adjust to with a supportive partner, let alone flying solo. There is absolutely no way I'd be able to do the single mother thing. And my hat is off to the courageous women who have managed to pull it off - whether by choice or by necessity.

Don't get me wrong. I love kids and babies. I won't deny that I experience some twinges of baby envy when I see most of my really good friends with their cute little progeny. I wouldn't be averse to having one or two in the future (assuming my eggs meet the deadline) despite my abject fear of the enormous responsibility surrounding raising them. I just don't think I could do it by myself. Well, maybe I could if I had to, but at this point I don't think I really want to.

I really admire women who are able to strike a balance in their lives and pull off "having it all." At this point in my life, I can barely deal with what's happening at work and being able to stay on top of my laundry. Maybe that makes me a shallow single person who refuses to grow up, but chronologic age does not necessarily reflect psychological maturity.

Maybe I'll change my mind a few years down the line, when I've gotten a handle on what it is to be a responsible adult and a better concept of life balance. Until then, I'm happy to borrow my friends' babies for my cuddle-fix - because I know I can easily return them when they become fussy or need a nappy change.

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The More Things Change

Oh. Just in case you guys missed it... yes, I'm back home for my first visit in over a year. And, yes, despite my current infatuation with the city I've been living in for the past year, the Philippines will always be home.

It's only been a year; nothing much has changed. There's still too much pollution, too much traffic, too much noise, too many people crowding the streets. Not much has been added to infrastructure, except perhaps another slew of newly opened super malls and new "in" places for the well-heeled to hang out. A year is not such a long time to be away after all.

But time has definitely marched on for the people I love and have come home to.

My parents look a lot older than they did before I left. My dad's hair is a little bit grayer and he moves a lot slower now. My mother has a few more lines on her face than she had just a year ago.

Change has been making the rounds among the friends I left behind, too. Suddenly tables were now filled with new faces - babies, husbands and boyfriends accompanying friends who used to come to them alone. My batchmates, who are all a year and a half into their fellowship training, are different because of the experience and knowledge that they have gained.

I sit among them, thinking of these changes that I see, and wonder if they see any changes in me. It's odd, because I feel that in a lot of ways, ever since I got off the madly spinning world I was on, I have been standing still. Despite my desire to live more of life by being in my limbo, part of me feels that my life is still on hold.

All of them seem to be pretty clear about what they want and where they are going. I haven't quite figured out where I want to be a few months from now.

And yet despite the changes, I am glad to be here with them again. My life has been blessed with the people I've met and become friends with in my new city. But it is good to know that there are people I can always come home to and know I'll always be welcome. Click here to read the rest of this post.

An Exercise in Futility

Must buckle down. Must your get ass in gear. Must find some direction.

Maybe later.

Not getting any younger. Life's not getting any easier. The world is passing you by. Everyone is moving full speed ahead while you stand there, contemplating the next course of action.

So what?

It would be healthy if you were standing still for the right reasons. But are you sure you aren't just letting your fear of screwing up your life keep you from going after what you really want?

But isn't that the problem? I don't even know what I really want. How I can I go after something if I don't know what to go after?

You're just making excuses not to apply yourself again. What are you afraid of?

What about getting something then realizing that it's not what I wanted after all?

You're hopeless! I give up!

That, at least, is something we agree on. I think it may be time to look for a therapist...

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Wanderlust

My year here has gone by with astonishing speed. I've made no secret of the fact that the time I've spent here has been nothing short of idyllic. Despite working a steady job and finally getting a life, my time here has been something of a vacation.

In this meantime, I've been able to hold off making some major decisions. I've been able to settle into life without a plan, without a map, and no clear vision of what I will be doing, say, 5 years from now. It's all still an absolute blank.

Is it all the open-endedness that is making me suddenly feel very antsy? Or is it because I am more of a free spirit than I actually thought and that the possibilities are the driving force behind my vague restlessness?

It's crazy. It's radical. It may be the by-product of an insanity resulting from suddenly being lost after being stuck on a plan for most of my life. At an age when I should be thinking about settling down, acquiring assets, making a family... I'm having fantasies about leaving medicine and working as a barista as I move from one country to another, seeing the world one city at a time.

Okay, maybe that's a little bit extreme... but you guys sort of get the picture.

I'd been conditioned to have very definite views on where I would be at this particular point in my life... done with my schooling and on the way to being established in my career; married to a stable, reliable guy; getting started on the 2.5 kids - pretty much on the way to living a comfortable, if ordinary, happily ever after. I'd always fancied myself as a home-and-hearth type of person, and I know I'm the kind of person who will always need to put down roots. I won't lie that I don't want all of the above someday - because I do. But...

Maybe not just yet.

I recently had lunch with a younger but wiser friend of mine - who has lived a much more interesting life than I have even if I have almost a decade of living over him. This is one of the perks of living in a land where people are all raised to indulge their wanderlust. Ozzies, I've found, are born nomads. Maybe it's because they have so much space to roam in.

There I was, whinging about how lucky he was that he could just up and go wherever he wanted on a whim, when he cut me off with a very succint, "And who told you that you couldn't?"

I started to give him a list. Society, family, my own need for security, blah, blah, blah... to which he countered, "But all of that is in your mind. Can't you do what you want and still be living up to people's expectations?"

Tantalizing thoughts.

His last piece of advice to address my restlessness? "Maybe it's just time for you to move again."

The roads are open, the possibilities - while not endless - do exist.
This is not me. I hate change. I don't want to go to another city and start over... do I?
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Realizations

Part of the Bibbulmun Track going through Pemberton's karri forest, Pemberton WA.
Taken with my Nikon D40.

I got this off a Facebook tag that one of my friends completed. Since I've always loved those sentence completion psych evaluations, it was too good to resist.

But apart from being such a good writing prompt (yes, I am still smack dab in the middle of writer's block), I like its congruence with my current thoughts as I look back on this past year - and look forward to growing another year older, if not much wiser.

1. I've come to realize that my hands... do good work.

2. I've come to realize that my job... is something that I actually enjoy most days despite my protests to the contrary.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving... I am comfortable with not really knowing exactly where I'm going and enjoy the journey wherever it takes me - even if I get lost every now and then.

4. I've come to realize that I need... to be more confident in myself about what I can do and what I can offer and be proud of how far I've come - and be less reliant on the approval and opinion of others.

5. I've come to realize that I've lost... some tinting off my rose-colored glasses.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when... people don't do what they say they're going to do when they say they're going to do it.

7. I've come to realize that the person/people I like... give me a different perspective of life as I know it.

8. I've come to realize that money... makes it easier for a doctor in training not to feel pressured about getting to the next level of training.

9. I've come to realize that people... respond well to being wished a good day, even by a complete stranger.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be... a person who will value having roots.

12. I've come to realize that my mom... does the best she can.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone... is often better off inside my locker the whole day.

14. I came to realize when I woke up this morning... that I'd have another sleepless night tonight. Arrrgh, night shifts!

15. I came to realise last night before I went to sleep that... I am causing my muscles to tighten up by sleeping on the office chairs.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about... whether or not I'm ready to move on to the next level - and another place - and I'm terrified.

17. I've come to realize that my dad... means well but worries too much.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook... it closes the distance between me and my friends.

19. I've come to realize that today... I've put off doing things that needed doing - again.

20. I've come to realize that tonight... I will be working again.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow... is overbooked with friend-time after having days upon days to myself this past week.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to... explore the possibilities for a while longer.

23. I've come to realize that life... is much richer when you go at it full on.

24. I've come to realize that this weekend... is such a gift of fine weather on what should be the middle of fall. Yes, my beaches beckon!

25. I've come to realize that (my ex) all my "never was-es"... was just Fate's way of leading me here.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset... would be something I can sing to.

27. I've come to realize that my friends... the real ones, will always be my friends.

28. I've come to realize that the past year... has seen my life open up in ways I never imagined.

29. I've come to realize that the last person I kissed... sadly, I probably won't get to kiss again.

30. I've come to realize that when people walk out of my life... they leave a space that no one else will ever be able to fill.

31. I've come to realize that my most memorable age was when I was... this year. :)

32. I've come to realize I will not trade... financial security for happiness.

33. I've come to realize that I like... being me.

34. I've come to realize that I cannot leave home without... a sense of adventure and a sense of humor.

35. I've come to realize that the sports I like... I have to completely zone in to - and lets me forget everything else going on in my life while I'm doing them.

36. I've come to realize that the top three things I find attractive are...
someone with an insight born of having lived life to the full and appreciating all that he's experienced so far, a sense of humour, and a positive outlook.

37. I've come to realize that ... even at my age, I'm young - and life has really just begun.


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I Don't Feel Like Dancing...

For most of this year, I've felt positive, energized, and empowered.

Today just hasn't been one of those days.

I should be thankful that my city by the water has made it so easy to embrace solitude. It's hard to feel lonely alone when surrounded by reminders of how beautiful the world actually is. I get worried sometimes that being here has made it so frighteningly easy to be content in my own company.

But there are days when even being close to my beloved ocean, running by the river, or lying on the grass in one of Perth's myriad open spaces staring at the bright blue sky all fail to soothe.

And those times I just feel alone - and wonder what the hell I'm doing here.

Middleton Beach, Albany early on an overcast morning, taken with my Nikon D40

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Blogthings 2

You Should Date An Australian!

You're a down to earth, outdoorsy kind of girl And you need a guy who can keep up with your adventures A rugged Australian guy is just your style Better start learning how to surf!

Which Foreign Guy Should You Date?

Looks like I've managed to come to the right place! :)

I'm sorry... I've been suffering from a case of writers' block. I blame it on overdosing on physical activity and recuperating from a really bad cold. Oh, and maybe an excess of Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook, if you're a friend of mine over there, you'll know just how addicted I am to the quizzes. That is, if you haven't deleted me from your news feed just yet. I know it's ridiculous - some of those quiz-makers can't ever spell right! Still, I find the quizzes hard to resist. And so do a good number of other people, otherwise there wouldn't be such an application.

In the spirit of my quiz addiction, I am breaking my blogging drought with an onslaught of quiz results from Blogthings. How close to the truth are they? You decide. ;)

As for the dating an Australian... got to find him first. Maybe I SHOULD take up surfing...!

You Are Rocky Road Ice Cream

Unpredictable and wild, you know how to have fun. You're also a trendsetter who takes risks with new things. You know about the latest and greatest - and may have invented it! You are most compatible with vanilla ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

You Are a Burrito

You're not a picky person. You're able to go with the flow and really enjoy life. You have a taste for the exotic, and you're quite adventurous. You're willing to try almost anything. You're very low maintenance. You don't mind getting a bit messy if it means having fun. You aren't superficial or easily impressed. Someone has to be the real deal if they're going to impress you.

What Kind of Fast Food Are You?

Your Heart Doesn’t Need Love Now

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

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Dreams in the Dusk

Dreams in the dusk,
Only dreams closing the day
And with the day’s close going back
To the gray things, the dark things,
The far, deep things of dreamland

Dreams, only dreams in the dusk,
Only the old remembered pictures
Of lost days when the day’s loss
Wrote in tears the heart’s loss.

Tears and loss and broken dreams
May find your heart at dusk.

Carl Sandburg

* * * *

Sometimes a sunset is a beautiful counterpoint to true solitude. Sometimes, it is somewhere where one's heart can feel loneliest.

To me, it's often a little of both.

(Woman on Sorrento Beach at dusk, taken using my Nikon D40.)

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Solitude

Therefore, dear friend, embrace your solitude and love it.

Endure the pain it causes and try to sing out with it. For those near to you are distant, you say.

That shows it is beginning to dawn around you; there is an expanse opening about you. And when your nearness becomes distant, then you have already expanded far: to being among the stars.

Your horizon has widened greatly.

Rejoice in your growth.

No one can join you in that.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

* * * *

Taken in Middleton Beach in Albany, WA, early on an overcast morning, using my Nikon D40 Click here to read the rest of this post.

Living in my Now

with my race buddy, Adam

I did it! Number 824 finished her 10 kilometer run in one hour, nine minutes and change, and hardly winded at the finish line. Who'd have thought I'd be doing something like this just one year later? Certainly not me.

I know, I know, 10 kilometers is hardly a marathon - and, to hard-core running enthusiasts, not really much to crow about. But if someone had asked me this same time last year to put on a pair of track shoes and gear up for a 5 kilometer WALK, I'd have told them that they were out of their mind.

I've always been a big fan of metaphors for describing my life. And, to date, there's no better metaphor for my now than having finished a 10 kilometer course, running all the way. Something I'd never even dreamed of doing - and have now done.

My list is hardly be the stuff adventure movies are made of, given what a sheltered, limited life I've confined myself to so far. It's been a huge effort to lock away my inner mouse - that afraid, high-strung part of myself that's always telling me I should be serious and get back into the rat race because I'm running out of time - and to embrace my impulsive, fun-loving, i-can-do-anything inner goddess just looking out for the next new adventure.

The transition from being a mouse to goddess (ha!) takes a bit of easing into when one has been living the life of a mouse (and by choice) for far too long. My mouse and my goddess often have roaring fights, let me tell you, and I still find myself stuck and dithering smack in the middle. But I'm making the effort to choose the braver option more and more.

Like driving at speeds greater that 100 kilometers per hour. Flying off to the other side of the continent on impulse. Wearing a bikini top (but with board shorts, hey! I wouldn't want anyone to lose their lunch) at the beach. Exploring my new city completely solo - and loving the whole experience. Being utterly comfortable being on my own. Opening myself up to the option of uprooting myself once again and starting over in another city.

I've heard it said somewhere that the most important journeys lead us further into ourselves - and they usually happen exactly where we are at the moment. I had to travel 5,179 kilometers from home to take that journey - and while I haven't found all of myself yet, I'm slowly but surely getting there. And adding more to my list of never-would-have-dones along the way.

Yes, I can say that my middle of nowhere, as I live in my now, is a truly great place to be.

* * * *

A contribution to Ligaya's The TBR MD's: Their Lives and Letters.

As a post-script, to make this post fit in to what she's looking for - and for the curious to find out exactly where I was just a year before, I've linked some key blog entries chronologically leading up to this one - just so you guys have an idea what a long journey I've been on since a year ago, if you have the time to read. :)

Straight Roads
Arrested Development
Stop, World, I'm Getting Off!
Defying Gravity
Life Begins at 30
Breathing Room
Proud of Me
Nine Months

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A Song for the Meantime

It's probably a reflection of the loss of my expressive abilities that I constantly relate my life-in-progress to existing songs. I guess it's easier for me to use someone else's words and music rather than thinking up some of my own - because it's not as if I would be saying anything that hasn't been said before.

These days, I've obviously taken to channeling Sarah Mclachlan. Her haunting voice and the poetry of her songs are a perfect foil to where I am at the moment. The song that follows is from her "Afterglow" album, which is, for me, probably her best one. Moody, brooding, painfully honest songs that hit the heart of the matter, dead center.

Some things, like heartbreak and music, are simply universal.

Stupid
Sarah McLachlan

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

There's no point in fighting these things, really. All that's left is to ride it out and hope that this song for the meantime will change - and soon.
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Nine Months

me, trying to bring home an image of Bunker Bay (Dunsborough, WA)

It's hard to believe nine months have passed since I began my "great adventure." Nine months since I'd packed my bags and come to this city I'd never seen with nothing but 2 suitcases and the clothes on my back, armed with nothing but the vague hope that doing this "one brave thing" would open up my life. Nine months into the year I said I'd give myself to breathe.

Time has certainly flown - and, to a great extent, I along with it.

In these past nine months, I've fallen in love with this city on the water, with its slow pace, easy rhythms, and stunning beauty. I've learned to appreciate the value of being on my own and, conversely, to open my heart to precious friends that would once have been so "other" to me. More importantly, I've learned to revel in the gift of this solitude, and to be more forgiving and loving to the "me" that's slowly emerging from her long time hiding place.

Nine months later and I can't believe how far away I am from the straight and narrow road I'd complained about walking on all my life. I've never been more aimless, yet I also don't remember ever feeling as free.

On the other hand, I'm no closer to a definite long term plan now than I was nine months ago. I may have signed on for another two years with my current job, but I'm still thinking in terms of living from the next few months to the next.

I know I have to start sorting out my life, to get into a training track while the opportunities are there. While I love my life here in Perth and cannot imagine leaving, I also know that it's time I started exploring my options. I know I have it in me to start over once more in another hospital, even another city, if that's where the opportunities are - I know because I've done it once.

So, no, I'm not yet up to making plans. But I am open to more possibilities - wherever they may lead me. Who knows where I'll be even just another nine months from now? The thought terrifies me, but it's heartening to realize that no matter where I'll be, I know I can handle it.

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Landing with a Splat

Modern pop culture will never run out of material to peddle romantic love upon hapless, easily influenced people. Whether it's in the form of the ubiquitous boy-meets-girl-and-they-live-happily-ever-after rom com movie, the prolific body of romance fiction, the music we listen to, the ads we see... yes, the whole process of falling in love has been beaten to death - and yet, we all still suck it in.

What they don't tell you, though, is that for a good number of people in the world, the whole romantic love thing often ends with one landing with one huge splat.

It's so easy to be cynical about the whole love thing these days. How can't I be when I'm surrounded by long-standing relationships falling apart? I recently took care of a patient who had recently divorced his wife of more than 50 years - he's 73. How does anyone get divorced at 73? Talk about disposable.

I've always been pretty pragmatic about relationships, consistently leading with my head rather than my heart, whether I am viewing others' romances or my long string of never-was-es. Despite never being in one myself, serious or otherwise, I know it takes a lot of hard work and commitment to make things work. But even then, there are still no guarantees.

It makes me wonder sometimes why people even bother trying.

The odd thing is, though, there's still a part of me that believes it is possible. Possible to fall without landing in a big, messy splat. Possible to make things work and go the distance. Possible for relationships to survive even when the amorphous Hollywood love has faded away and grown to become the real thing. And when it does happen - and thankfully I've seen this, too - it's a wonderful thing to see.

Besides, as one wise friend of mine says, "No one has really ever died from a broken heart. You can cry a little, hurt a lot, and then you get over it. You always get over it - and come away stronger and wiser besides."

So maybe that's why, despite the odds, people still keep trying. Because part of us all want to believe it can be possible. And because anyone who is too afraid to let himself fall will also never experience what it's like to fly.

I hope someday I can meet someone who makes me forget all about the ground so far below, just waiting for me to crash land. It must be wonderful to leap off that edge and just let your heart fly.



A late, very late, submission to Em Dy's TBR Round Up on Love.
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Regression

I recently realized that one of the main reasons I love doing Body Balance and yoga so much is because I get to spend so much time upside down. And part of what makes it so much fun is getting to bend and twist myself into the oddest poses that would normally be socially unacceptable for any self-respecting adult to do in public.

It's as good as being a kid all over again.

Don't get me wrong I was never one of those kids who did cartwheels and other gymnastic feats with ease - things that must be taught when you're still young enough to know no fear. Even then, the only place I could do a handstand would be in a swimming pool. And I could never flip myself upside down and back on the monkey bars to save my life.

But I always used to enjoy folding over and touching my toes, let my head hang straight down between my legs, and look at the world from a completely different perspective. I also used to like raising both legs straight up or cross-legged against a wall while lying on my back and pretending I was sitting on the wall sideways. And I always liked lying on the floor and scissoring my legs into the oddest angles, toes pointed like some demented ballerina's.

All of the above I get to do in class - and more! No wonder I find it so much fun.

Serious practitioners may find what I am saying a little irreverent - maybe even sacreligious. Don't get me wrong - the poses are hard work and more difficult than they seem. But being given the license to basically be a carefree child again, even for an hour a few times a week, is part of why it's such a stress-release for me, too.

I suppose the longer I do it, the more serious I'll be and stop doing yoga to relive the joy of being a hyperactive kid. But, knowing me? I seriously doubt that will ever happen.

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More Tag - 25 Random Facts About Me

I used to think that this whole tag business was confined to the blogging world, but lately several of my friends on Facebook have tagged me with this 25 Random Facts tag. I figured it was time to do the tag and tag back. I remember already doing a 10 Random Facts tag here a few months back, but I figure that since I'm doing this one for my FB network, I might as well post it for my blog buddies to feast on as well. As for tagging my 25 - already done that... but you're free to grab the tag if you want to do it, too.

At the very least, it will get my mood up... I hope. It's not easy settling back into real life after being oversaturated by the sight of beautiful places - post-travel blues.

Copy. Paste. Share your 25 and tag 25.

1. I am currently suffering from serious post-travel blues at the moment. Coming home after a great trip is always a bit of a let-down.

2. I love my Body Balance classes at the gym and am thinking of doing serious yoga one of these days.

3. I was almost cast as Nova Villa and Freddie Webb's little girl in the sitcom "Chicks to Chicks" when I was five - only I suffered from a serious case of stage fright when I saw the studio lights.

4. My latest driving credits include country driving at 120 kph for at least 200 kilometers from Konojup to Armadale. Yes, granny driver Claire now knows how to zoom-zoom down the highway, yeah!

5. I love the beach and the ocean at any season, not just to swim but to simply watch the world go by. It's my recovery room. I just visited some of the best beaches I have ever seen this weekend... I wish I could have stayed at any one of them forever.

6. I have become a bit obsessive about facial sunblock since I moved to Australia. I need a supply!

7. I still have no idea what I will be doing a year from now, where I will be doing it, and whether or not what I will be doing will lead me to home. It's quite an experience living from one day to another...

8. I miss my spur-of-the-moment coffee dates with the Five O'Clock Club or my other girl friends at Starbucks. But I'm glad that I have new friends here to share coffee with when I really need it.

9. I can spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing important. I'm a professional time-waster!

10. I don't like taking risks in anything and always like going for the "sure thing." So it's nice when circumstances sometimes force me to be a bit more spontaneous - which is what this year is really all about.

11. I have more regrets that are tied to the things I didn't do rather than the things I have done. I'm hoping I can reverse that ratio as the years go by - because it would mean that I'm actually learning to live my life rather then continuing to hedge my bets.

12. I am a cynical romantic. I believe in happy endings and forever, but I'm also very pragmatic about the whole romance process and tend to keep my expectations low. Yes, I subscribe to the gospel of "He's Just Not That Into You!"

13. I haven't gotten past running 4 kilometers for the past few weeks and here I am hoping I can do a 10 kilometer run by April. ASA PA AKO!

14. I hate change. I like security and certainty and making plans - which made me a little square stuck in a deep rut for a good long while. But, thanks to my new moves, times are changing. I've come a long way, baby!

15. I have been in one major car accident (a school bus wreck when I was five - I got windshield glass in my forehead) and am crossing my fingers that I have reached my quota for a lifetime.

16. I used to cry over my patients and thought I'd gotten over it after residency - but apparently, there are still some patient stories that can pull me towards the brink of doing so.

17. I would like to be able to see a good deal of the world before I die. I would like to be able to see a huge chunk of Australia before I go home (if I decide not to settle here). I love to travel!

18. I have an addiction to pulp fiction - bestselling romance novels and murder mysteries being on the top tier.

19. My top 3 comfort foods used to be ice cream, premium chocolate, and cheesecake. These days it's my pork rasher adobo or Woodies roast chicken in spicy Mang Tomas lechon sauce. Tastes like home!

20. I rarely watch TV but when I do, it's more likely to be a crime show or procedural. I love mysteries - probably the influence of all the Nancy Drew I read when I was in 3rd grade.

21. I used to read the encyclopedia for fun. What a nerdy kid! Thankfully, I outgrew THAT eccentricity.

22. I've been meaning to learn more constellations for years, but for some reason I've never gotten around to spotting anything other than Orion (which for some odd reason, people here call the Saucepan).

23. If I ever get married, I'd rather elope and then spend all the moolah we saved on a big wedding on a major travelfest of a honeymoon - maybe somewhere in Europe... Venice comes to mind.

24. One of my biggest dreams is to have a house by a beautiful beach someday. I would love to be able to wake up to the sound of the ocean and a sea breeze every morning!

25. Since the start of this year, I've been trying to work my way out of the box and live my life from experience to experience, triumphs and heartaches included. So far, it's been a very interesting ride - and I'm glad I've finally decided to take it.
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Random Thoughts on a Tuesday Morning

(WARNING: When I say random, I mean random. Don't throw shoes at me when you get to the end of this and think, "And what exactly was the point of all that?")

It's been a while since I last struck up a conversation with you guys.

Not really because there hasn't been much to talk about, but more because since I no longer share quite as anonymously as I used to, I've had to be a bit careful about giving into my verbal diarrhea and emotional exhibitionism. There are just some things that I'm not quite as comfortable sharing with people who know me - or maybe it would be more appropriate to say, people who think they know me.

So why am I doing in front of my laptop instead of using this extra morning time (because I set my alarm too early) to blow-dry my hair?

Because I can't help these occasional descents into random babbling, that's why. Even when the only audience is my keyboard.

I've been toying around with the idea of taking up pole dancing. Seriously! It's supposed to be a great upper body and core work out and heaps of fun - and I just may be light enough these days to actually lift my body weight on a pole without pulling my arms from out of their sockets. Plus, and more importantly, it's something I would never do back home - something which is fast becoming my battle cry these days.

I have no illusions about my dancing ability - as one of my friends put it, I have the grace of a pregnant elephant. But it sounds like fun. And while dancing is probably at the bottom of the barrel as far as my skills go, I actually love doing it especially when no one else is watching. Or at least no one who knows me (and knows I can't dance) is watching. So what better place to learn to pole dance but in this city where no one knows me, in a country where one of the prevailing philosophies is, "live and let live?"

Obviously, it's really self-consciousness that's a curse. And for some reason - I don't really have a lot of time to do actual research on this right now, but I'm sure it's written down somewhere - Filipinos seem to have an overdeveloped sense of "what-will-people-think-itis." Probably because, as a people, we Filipinos have no qualms scrutinizing the lives of perfect strangers and indulging in thoughts along the lines of, "what-in-the-world-are-they-thinking-doing-that-itis!"

Which is why most of us just sit in the sidelines and watch the brave, crazy people doing their thing and having the time of their lives - not really caring that they look funny doing so. And why most of us may laugh and pretend to be appalled by what we see, but inside, we're really just that little bit envious and wishing we had the guts to do that, too.

I'm currently reading a self-published booklet of thoughts written by a 36 year old man who is terminally ill with ALS - like Morrie in Tuesdays with Morrie. He's the very good friend of one of the people I share a house with, and it's the copy that he gave her that I'm reading. He's been battling with the disease for two years now, and, suffice it to say, he hasn't been winning. Which is why he's decided to distill his take on the meaning of life into that little booklet.

It's been interesting reading so far. At times he gets very abstract and a bit difficult to understand - or maybe that's because I was plodding though some parts at two in the morning - but it's a very real reminder of how short and how precious life is coming from someone who knows that his time may soon be up.

One of the things he cites is how toddlers - who are almost as mobile as us but still not fully verbal - live their lives so differently and so naturally compared to how we live them as adults, trapped in all our abstractions. As he puts it, toddlers' only pre-conditioned physiologic motivations are to QUESTION, MOVE, EXPLORE, CREATE, RELATE, and feel JOY.

"Joy is the natural outcome and quality of the organism, expressing and doing what it desires to unimpeded by external guilt or shame."

Basically, he points out that with all our complicated, adult verbal views and self-conceptions, we've basically managed to limit ourselves from drawing on those basic motivations and finding joy - or basically, living life.

And he poses some interesting questions as well.

"No matter what you do, how much you save, who you know, where you go, what you believe - you're going to cease to exist, always sooner than you think. Do you do what you do because you assume (it will) make you live longer? Or do you live knowing your life is on loan, and the only thing that matters is your daily experience of your life?"

As I said, interesting stuff.

All that being said, I hope that the pole dancing school will get back to me on the whether we can get around class schedule issues that conflict with my weird roster. And if it doesn't? I'm sure I'll find something else.

Okay - off to work now!

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Clearing Clutter

A friend of mine recently told me that the clutter we live in our physical space is a reflection of our inner lives. I tend to agree with her.

Despite my obsessive-compulsive tendencies, neatness and organization have never been my strong suit. It doesn't help that I've always been something of a pack rat, and it almost causes me physical pain to throw anything away. The other reason why is probably because I have a high tolerance for living in clutter.

I've always wondered if my ability to live in what can only be called a mess is a reflection of how my resistance to change has allowed me to exist in the mess that was my life for so very long.

I recently took stock of the state of my personal living space - and I was dismayed to find that it looked like something had exploded in it. Tour brochures, illegible study notes, unopened letters, unsorted receipts littered my single bookcase, which was the focal point of disorder in a really messy room. My suitcases were still beside my bed, gathering dust and making it impossible to draw the curtains. The top of my wardrobe was home to empty boxes and plastic bags. Despite being only here for 6 months (yes, already!), I was obviously building up an impressive store of useless things at an awesome rate.

On that realization, I resolved to put some order into my room - partly because it was driving me crazy to see my shelves every time I'd come into the room, but mostly because I, the lover of metaphors, thought it was an apt thing to do at the end of an old year to prepare for the new one.

So, after a shopping spree involving storage boxes and organizers, I rolled up my sleeves and started sorting, putting things in order - and, yes, throwing things away. The end result was, as you can see above, something to be proud of. (I was planning on taking a "before" picture so you'd know what I was talking about, but I was so eager to get started plowing through the mess that I forgot.)

It would be so nice if I could clear out the useless ideas and concepts in my head as easily as I can put my physical space in order. Life would be a cinch to fix. I can make a list of inaccurate "truths" and limiting concepts that I need to rethink, re-frame, and even outright throw out, but of course knowing always doesn't translate into actual doing. Change - specially inner change - takes energy and entails all sorts of risk. To be honest, I sometimes think that it's easier to live with all these faulty ideas that I know than take a chance on something that is completely unfamiliar.

The good news is, if there's anything this year has taught me it is that it's possible to let go of what no longer works in order to embrace the something new. It's possible to throw out ideas that stifle me and uselessly take up space in order to make room for new, more positive ones.

And while I must admit that I'm still living in an inner world that is still very cluttered and very crowded with all sorts of negative thoughts, I've made some headway into putting things in order. And just enough so that all that much needed fresh air has finally manged to blow in some and some sunshine has managed to shine into it and brighten just that much more.

Isn't clearing up clutter a great way to end the year?

Have a happy and safe New Year's Eve everyone! May the end of the old year and the coming of a new one mark your letting go of at least one bit of personal "clutter" you've been putting off throwing away. Be happy, be loved, and always, always be blessed.

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Proud of Me

It's been almost exactly a year to the day that I wrote about my decision to defy gravity. I remember the terror of standing in front of the gaping Unknown and gathering whatever courage I could muster to prepare for that unprecedented leap.

It's a huge leap for anyone to make. But for someone who is as resistant to change, security-loving, and approval-seeking as I am, doing this in defiance of all that was sensible and practical and SAFE... it's beyond describing.

It's only on hindsight that I realize just what a leap of faith I took. Not only did I get off the safe and straight road I wasn't sure I still wanted to be on, but I traded the security of home and family for life on my own in a city where I knew no one, to which I came with literally only the clothes in my suitcases and a lot of hopes and prayers.

I guess I didn't recognize just how trapped and unhappy I was in my life back home - even if I had almost everything I needed and my life seemed to be on the right track - until I found the gumption to just make that change.

I was right. Having made one brave choice in defiance of what is expected, everything else has followed.

So here I am. I'm not just surviving - I think I can say I'm thriving. And I can say with certainty that, despite my being away from all that is familiar, despite still not having a plan, despite still not knowing how far I still have to fall - I am most definitely so much happier.

Over the past few weeks, I've had several conversations with good friends who have known me for years, heard me complain about the rut I'd stuck myself in, and encouraged me to take the drastic steps I needed to get out of it. And in as many conversations, they've all told me the same thing - that they're proud of me. Not just of what I've done so far, but because I'm making an effort to open up my life to even more possibilities.

It's heartening and touching to know that they see a change, continue to believe in me, and are totally behind what I'm doing - even if I really have no idea just what it is I'm doing at the moment. Their belief and encouragement help firm up my conviction that, hey, I guess I should be proud of me, too.

Because a year later, I'm still flying. And at this point? I can't see any end in sight.

I can feel it. It's going to be another great year.

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Thanksgiving

I'll be working through Christmas once more in order to distract myself from the fact that I am going to be seriously alone for the holidays for the first time in my life.

Despite this and the notched down level of Christmas spirit over here (as compared to the rabid, frenetic holiday madness that descends upon Manila as early as September), I look back on the year that was and find that, in this season of gifts, I've been given so many gifts to be thankful for.

So instead of coming with a wish list of what I want for Christmas, I'm making a top ten list of what I've been most grateful for over the past year (both material and otherwise) as a way of saying thanks to the great, loving Someone who has never stopped looking out for me.

1. my current job - which was less a job than an amazing opportunity to jump off the edge of my safety zone and give me all this room to grow.

2. a supportive family - who, despite not quite agreeing with my plans (or lack thereof), were all-out in helping me get to where I am once they knew I'd pretty much made up my mind about things.

3. cheap airline tickets and cheap baggage fares coming over!

4. finding the perfect place to live so close to work, with an awesome landlady and some pretty interesting housemates.

5. real friends among my new co-workers.

6. real friends born from friends of friends, who warmly welcomed me into their circle and have adopted me as part of their surrogate family.

7. my car - which I bought on a shoestring budget but is absolutely great for what it is, a ten-year-old runabout without power steering.

8. finding myself loving to live in this beautiful, sleepy city on the water.

9. learning to embrace and savor being without a definite plan.

10. learning, for the first time in my life, to love being who I am and where I am at a given moment.

So, what's on your thanksgiving list?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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