Beddy-bye Baby Dreams

Just last year, heady with my new-found financial independence and single-woman empowerment, I boldly declared that if by the time I turned 35 I had still not found a suitable partner to start a family with, I was going to have a baby. On my own. By hook or by crook.

I have since then changed my mind.

Parenthood is hard enough to adjust to with a supportive partner, let alone flying solo. There is absolutely no way I'd be able to do the single mother thing. And my hat is off to the courageous women who have managed to pull it off - whether by choice or by necessity.

Don't get me wrong. I love kids and babies. I won't deny that I experience some twinges of baby envy when I see most of my really good friends with their cute little progeny. I wouldn't be averse to having one or two in the future (assuming my eggs meet the deadline) despite my abject fear of the enormous responsibility surrounding raising them. I just don't think I could do it by myself. Well, maybe I could if I had to, but at this point I don't think I really want to.

I really admire women who are able to strike a balance in their lives and pull off "having it all." At this point in my life, I can barely deal with what's happening at work and being able to stay on top of my laundry. Maybe that makes me a shallow single person who refuses to grow up, but chronologic age does not necessarily reflect psychological maturity.

Maybe I'll change my mind a few years down the line, when I've gotten a handle on what it is to be a responsible adult and a better concept of life balance. Until then, I'm happy to borrow my friends' babies for my cuddle-fix - because I know I can easily return them when they become fussy or need a nappy change.

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The More Things Change

Oh. Just in case you guys missed it... yes, I'm back home for my first visit in over a year. And, yes, despite my current infatuation with the city I've been living in for the past year, the Philippines will always be home.

It's only been a year; nothing much has changed. There's still too much pollution, too much traffic, too much noise, too many people crowding the streets. Not much has been added to infrastructure, except perhaps another slew of newly opened super malls and new "in" places for the well-heeled to hang out. A year is not such a long time to be away after all.

But time has definitely marched on for the people I love and have come home to.

My parents look a lot older than they did before I left. My dad's hair is a little bit grayer and he moves a lot slower now. My mother has a few more lines on her face than she had just a year ago.

Change has been making the rounds among the friends I left behind, too. Suddenly tables were now filled with new faces - babies, husbands and boyfriends accompanying friends who used to come to them alone. My batchmates, who are all a year and a half into their fellowship training, are different because of the experience and knowledge that they have gained.

I sit among them, thinking of these changes that I see, and wonder if they see any changes in me. It's odd, because I feel that in a lot of ways, ever since I got off the madly spinning world I was on, I have been standing still. Despite my desire to live more of life by being in my limbo, part of me feels that my life is still on hold.

All of them seem to be pretty clear about what they want and where they are going. I haven't quite figured out where I want to be a few months from now.

And yet despite the changes, I am glad to be here with them again. My life has been blessed with the people I've met and become friends with in my new city. But it is good to know that there are people I can always come home to and know I'll always be welcome. Click here to read the rest of this post.

An Exercise in Futility

Must buckle down. Must your get ass in gear. Must find some direction.

Maybe later.

Not getting any younger. Life's not getting any easier. The world is passing you by. Everyone is moving full speed ahead while you stand there, contemplating the next course of action.

So what?

It would be healthy if you were standing still for the right reasons. But are you sure you aren't just letting your fear of screwing up your life keep you from going after what you really want?

But isn't that the problem? I don't even know what I really want. How I can I go after something if I don't know what to go after?

You're just making excuses not to apply yourself again. What are you afraid of?

What about getting something then realizing that it's not what I wanted after all?

You're hopeless! I give up!

That, at least, is something we agree on. I think it may be time to look for a therapist...

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Realizations

Part of the Bibbulmun Track going through Pemberton's karri forest, Pemberton WA.
Taken with my Nikon D40.

I got this off a Facebook tag that one of my friends completed. Since I've always loved those sentence completion psych evaluations, it was too good to resist.

But apart from being such a good writing prompt (yes, I am still smack dab in the middle of writer's block), I like its congruence with my current thoughts as I look back on this past year - and look forward to growing another year older, if not much wiser.

1. I've come to realize that my hands... do good work.

2. I've come to realize that my job... is something that I actually enjoy most days despite my protests to the contrary.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving... I am comfortable with not really knowing exactly where I'm going and enjoy the journey wherever it takes me - even if I get lost every now and then.

4. I've come to realize that I need... to be more confident in myself about what I can do and what I can offer and be proud of how far I've come - and be less reliant on the approval and opinion of others.

5. I've come to realize that I've lost... some tinting off my rose-colored glasses.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when... people don't do what they say they're going to do when they say they're going to do it.

7. I've come to realize that the person/people I like... give me a different perspective of life as I know it.

8. I've come to realize that money... makes it easier for a doctor in training not to feel pressured about getting to the next level of training.

9. I've come to realize that people... respond well to being wished a good day, even by a complete stranger.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be... a person who will value having roots.

12. I've come to realize that my mom... does the best she can.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone... is often better off inside my locker the whole day.

14. I came to realize when I woke up this morning... that I'd have another sleepless night tonight. Arrrgh, night shifts!

15. I came to realise last night before I went to sleep that... I am causing my muscles to tighten up by sleeping on the office chairs.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about... whether or not I'm ready to move on to the next level - and another place - and I'm terrified.

17. I've come to realize that my dad... means well but worries too much.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook... it closes the distance between me and my friends.

19. I've come to realize that today... I've put off doing things that needed doing - again.

20. I've come to realize that tonight... I will be working again.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow... is overbooked with friend-time after having days upon days to myself this past week.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to... explore the possibilities for a while longer.

23. I've come to realize that life... is much richer when you go at it full on.

24. I've come to realize that this weekend... is such a gift of fine weather on what should be the middle of fall. Yes, my beaches beckon!

25. I've come to realize that (my ex) all my "never was-es"... was just Fate's way of leading me here.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset... would be something I can sing to.

27. I've come to realize that my friends... the real ones, will always be my friends.

28. I've come to realize that the past year... has seen my life open up in ways I never imagined.

29. I've come to realize that the last person I kissed... sadly, I probably won't get to kiss again.

30. I've come to realize that when people walk out of my life... they leave a space that no one else will ever be able to fill.

31. I've come to realize that my most memorable age was when I was... this year. :)

32. I've come to realize I will not trade... financial security for happiness.

33. I've come to realize that I like... being me.

34. I've come to realize that I cannot leave home without... a sense of adventure and a sense of humor.

35. I've come to realize that the sports I like... I have to completely zone in to - and lets me forget everything else going on in my life while I'm doing them.

36. I've come to realize that the top three things I find attractive are...
someone with an insight born of having lived life to the full and appreciating all that he's experienced so far, a sense of humour, and a positive outlook.

37. I've come to realize that ... even at my age, I'm young - and life has really just begun.


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Blogthings 2

You Should Date An Australian!

You're a down to earth, outdoorsy kind of girl And you need a guy who can keep up with your adventures A rugged Australian guy is just your style Better start learning how to surf!

Which Foreign Guy Should You Date?

Looks like I've managed to come to the right place! :)

I'm sorry... I've been suffering from a case of writers' block. I blame it on overdosing on physical activity and recuperating from a really bad cold. Oh, and maybe an excess of Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook, if you're a friend of mine over there, you'll know just how addicted I am to the quizzes. That is, if you haven't deleted me from your news feed just yet. I know it's ridiculous - some of those quiz-makers can't ever spell right! Still, I find the quizzes hard to resist. And so do a good number of other people, otherwise there wouldn't be such an application.

In the spirit of my quiz addiction, I am breaking my blogging drought with an onslaught of quiz results from Blogthings. How close to the truth are they? You decide. ;)

As for the dating an Australian... got to find him first. Maybe I SHOULD take up surfing...!

You Are Rocky Road Ice Cream

Unpredictable and wild, you know how to have fun. You're also a trendsetter who takes risks with new things. You know about the latest and greatest - and may have invented it! You are most compatible with vanilla ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

You Are a Burrito

You're not a picky person. You're able to go with the flow and really enjoy life. You have a taste for the exotic, and you're quite adventurous. You're willing to try almost anything. You're very low maintenance. You don't mind getting a bit messy if it means having fun. You aren't superficial or easily impressed. Someone has to be the real deal if they're going to impress you.

What Kind of Fast Food Are You?

Your Heart Doesn’t Need Love Now

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

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Landing with a Splat

Modern pop culture will never run out of material to peddle romantic love upon hapless, easily influenced people. Whether it's in the form of the ubiquitous boy-meets-girl-and-they-live-happily-ever-after rom com movie, the prolific body of romance fiction, the music we listen to, the ads we see... yes, the whole process of falling in love has been beaten to death - and yet, we all still suck it in.

What they don't tell you, though, is that for a good number of people in the world, the whole romantic love thing often ends with one landing with one huge splat.

It's so easy to be cynical about the whole love thing these days. How can't I be when I'm surrounded by long-standing relationships falling apart? I recently took care of a patient who had recently divorced his wife of more than 50 years - he's 73. How does anyone get divorced at 73? Talk about disposable.

I've always been pretty pragmatic about relationships, consistently leading with my head rather than my heart, whether I am viewing others' romances or my long string of never-was-es. Despite never being in one myself, serious or otherwise, I know it takes a lot of hard work and commitment to make things work. But even then, there are still no guarantees.

It makes me wonder sometimes why people even bother trying.

The odd thing is, though, there's still a part of me that believes it is possible. Possible to fall without landing in a big, messy splat. Possible to make things work and go the distance. Possible for relationships to survive even when the amorphous Hollywood love has faded away and grown to become the real thing. And when it does happen - and thankfully I've seen this, too - it's a wonderful thing to see.

Besides, as one wise friend of mine says, "No one has really ever died from a broken heart. You can cry a little, hurt a lot, and then you get over it. You always get over it - and come away stronger and wiser besides."

So maybe that's why, despite the odds, people still keep trying. Because part of us all want to believe it can be possible. And because anyone who is too afraid to let himself fall will also never experience what it's like to fly.

I hope someday I can meet someone who makes me forget all about the ground so far below, just waiting for me to crash land. It must be wonderful to leap off that edge and just let your heart fly.



A late, very late, submission to Em Dy's TBR Round Up on Love.
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Billboard Dreams

This was much too fun to resist - and not to share.

I've never entertained any fantasy of having a huge, larger than life picture of myself hanging on the side of a building, but photo-imaging technology these days now makes it possible. Those clever dudes who made Photofunia makes it as easy as the click of a mouse.

Here's another one of the effects in a setting a bit closer to home... and just in time for the summer months, too!



And another of my posters, just in front of a big retail park.



Which one did you like best? Don't just sit there, go make ones of your own - and have fun while you're at it!

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Seven

These Facebook note tags are getting a little bit out of hand for me - probably because my FB friends (of which there is a ridiculously large number - not that I'm complaining) have hit on my weakness for answering almost any tag that's sent to me.

This one, though, was interesting enough to steal off my friend's page and do voluntarily. Having done it voluntarily didn't mean I wasn't going to tag anyone else to do it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure anyone I've tagged on FB for this one has done it. I was hoping the people I tagged would answer them, too - because I really do like to knowing what their personal sevens will be. :)) What can I say? I'm a tag addict.

So I am tagging another seven of my blog buddies and friends for this interesting little tag - Merry Cherry, Marj, Iris, Abaniko, Ann, Ness, and my cousin Anna. Looking forward to reading about your "Sevens!"

Seven Things That Scare Me

1) Dying utterly alone - I've seen this recently, and it's the saddest thing ever

2) Taking risks

3) Being the only doctor in a plane where there's a medical emergency taking place

4) Making a horrendously wrong decision - whether it's professional or personal

5) Going into a coma (persistent vegetative state) for years and years - if this ever happens to me, and you know I can't be pulled out of it, please pull the plug on aggressive life support and let me go. Seriously. This is not life, it's living death, and I want no part of it.

6) Having kids and raising them to become as neurotic as me

7) Heights. I can't do heights.



Seven Things I Like The Most

1) Being at the beach - any season, any time, with friends or alone.

2) Coffee or a meal with friends, topped by lots of laughter and good conversation.

3) Days off!

4) Traveling. There's so much beauty to be seen in the world, and I can't get enough of it.

5) Driving - as long as there is no bumper-to-bumper traffic. It's motor therapy. My car is my inner psychiatrist's couch, my concert hall, and my happy place. Yes, even when I get lost.

6) Doing nothing, just being.

7) The effects of alcohol - when taken in moderation.



Seven Random Facts About Me

1) I have wheedled, argued, and flashed my MD license and talked my way out of getting any traffic tickets in Manila - and am currently batting at a 100%. Unfortunately, you can't do that here in Perth!

2) I read my first grown-up romance novel when I was ten (what can I say, I was precocious) and have been a bit of an addict ever since.

3) My caffeine shot for the morning is usually taken from a 300ml bottle of Diet Coke Lime or Coke Zero.

4) I’m shy around new people - seriously. The strange thing is, I would rather speak in public to a big audience or sing onstage than meet new people.

5) I like sleeping with lots and lots of pillows. The minimum number for me is always two - one to lie on and one to hug.

6) I was always one of the last kids to be chosen for kickball - or any sport for that matter. Hmmm... why is that translating into my real life at this age?

7) I used to speak in rapid-fire English when I was ticked off or upset when I was back home. Now that I speak English most of the time, I find that I lose my English when I'm ticked off or upset and revert to Filipino instead. Weird!



Seven Important Things In My Bedroom

1) My passport

2) My iPod and the cheap dock I play it on

3) My expanding file - which contains all my documents and records from back home

4) My laptop

5) Medical books - Murtagh, Current Peds, and Volume 2 of my beloved Harry (Harrison's Principles of IM)

6) My heaps of pillows

7) Aromatherapy candles



Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

1) See as much of the world as possible.

2) Scuba dive. At least once.

3) Do something reckless and totally out of character - and not when I'm drinking, okay!

4) Fall in love, utterly, utterly - without caring if I land in one big splat. (I have yet to meet anyone who can make me feel this way)

5) Write a novel

6) Learn to lapdance. Seriously. :) Or at least take one lesson!

7) Live by the sea. To literally have the sea in my backyard.




Seven Things I Can Do

1) Run 5 kilometers - on a good day. On a bad day, I struggle to even get to 3. How am I ever going to get to 10!

2) Sing!

3) Be drunk and passed out at 4AM and still be up at 7AM and at the gym working out by 830. (Yes, this has actually happened.)

4) Cook a very good lasagna.

5) Sound quite intelligent about something that I have no idea about.

6) Have "dumb blonde" moments quite often.

7) Touch my tongue to my chin - but not to my nose.



Seven Things I Can’t Do

1) Stick to a strict diet. I love my junk too much.

2) Dance - but these days I'm doing it at the gym anyway. ;P It's heaven working out somewhere you are so sure you won't bump into anyone you know!

3) Get rid of my tummy, no matter how hard I try. *sigh*

4) Express myself when the issue is an emotional one. I just tend to hold it in and be frustrated.

5) Stop crying once I get started. Which is why I hate to cry.

6) Drive like a guy. I admit it, I am someone who gives women drivers a bad name.

7) Do something without overanalyzing it to death first.



Seven Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex

1) A sense of humor that jives with mine. He has to be able to make me laugh!

2) A fair degree of intelligence or at least street smarts. We have to have interesting conversations, and he has to be able to stand up to me in an argument.

3) He's someone I should be able to look up to and respect.

4) A good smile and nice eyes.

5) Someone who can sing or play an instrument always has heaps of bonus points from me.

6) Treats his mom, sisters, and girl friends well, without exception.

7) Someone who's responsible, goal-directed, and knows what he wants out of life. (It sort of balances out my indecisiveness.)


Seven Things I Say The Most

1) "Fudge!" (curse substitute!)

2) "I'll do (supply verb here) after 5 minutes." (And then after 5 minutes, I ask myself for 5 more minutes... the mark of a true procrastinator.)

3) "We'll see how it goes..." (This is very catch-all!)

4) "Bloody (supply noun here)!" (Yes, I use "bloody" - pretentious-sounding as it may be with my confused Pinoy accent and I have been using it for years, long before I came to live here. I picked it up from my Oz uncle on the many visits I did before actually coming to stay.)

5) "Oh... my... God...!" (Pauses are included for emphasis.)

6) "Have a good day!" (My new automatic "goodbye" to complete strangers - something I have learned to do over here.)

7) "What the...!"


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More Tag - 25 Random Facts About Me

I used to think that this whole tag business was confined to the blogging world, but lately several of my friends on Facebook have tagged me with this 25 Random Facts tag. I figured it was time to do the tag and tag back. I remember already doing a 10 Random Facts tag here a few months back, but I figure that since I'm doing this one for my FB network, I might as well post it for my blog buddies to feast on as well. As for tagging my 25 - already done that... but you're free to grab the tag if you want to do it, too.

At the very least, it will get my mood up... I hope. It's not easy settling back into real life after being oversaturated by the sight of beautiful places - post-travel blues.

Copy. Paste. Share your 25 and tag 25.

1. I am currently suffering from serious post-travel blues at the moment. Coming home after a great trip is always a bit of a let-down.

2. I love my Body Balance classes at the gym and am thinking of doing serious yoga one of these days.

3. I was almost cast as Nova Villa and Freddie Webb's little girl in the sitcom "Chicks to Chicks" when I was five - only I suffered from a serious case of stage fright when I saw the studio lights.

4. My latest driving credits include country driving at 120 kph for at least 200 kilometers from Konojup to Armadale. Yes, granny driver Claire now knows how to zoom-zoom down the highway, yeah!

5. I love the beach and the ocean at any season, not just to swim but to simply watch the world go by. It's my recovery room. I just visited some of the best beaches I have ever seen this weekend... I wish I could have stayed at any one of them forever.

6. I have become a bit obsessive about facial sunblock since I moved to Australia. I need a supply!

7. I still have no idea what I will be doing a year from now, where I will be doing it, and whether or not what I will be doing will lead me to home. It's quite an experience living from one day to another...

8. I miss my spur-of-the-moment coffee dates with the Five O'Clock Club or my other girl friends at Starbucks. But I'm glad that I have new friends here to share coffee with when I really need it.

9. I can spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing important. I'm a professional time-waster!

10. I don't like taking risks in anything and always like going for the "sure thing." So it's nice when circumstances sometimes force me to be a bit more spontaneous - which is what this year is really all about.

11. I have more regrets that are tied to the things I didn't do rather than the things I have done. I'm hoping I can reverse that ratio as the years go by - because it would mean that I'm actually learning to live my life rather then continuing to hedge my bets.

12. I am a cynical romantic. I believe in happy endings and forever, but I'm also very pragmatic about the whole romance process and tend to keep my expectations low. Yes, I subscribe to the gospel of "He's Just Not That Into You!"

13. I haven't gotten past running 4 kilometers for the past few weeks and here I am hoping I can do a 10 kilometer run by April. ASA PA AKO!

14. I hate change. I like security and certainty and making plans - which made me a little square stuck in a deep rut for a good long while. But, thanks to my new moves, times are changing. I've come a long way, baby!

15. I have been in one major car accident (a school bus wreck when I was five - I got windshield glass in my forehead) and am crossing my fingers that I have reached my quota for a lifetime.

16. I used to cry over my patients and thought I'd gotten over it after residency - but apparently, there are still some patient stories that can pull me towards the brink of doing so.

17. I would like to be able to see a good deal of the world before I die. I would like to be able to see a huge chunk of Australia before I go home (if I decide not to settle here). I love to travel!

18. I have an addiction to pulp fiction - bestselling romance novels and murder mysteries being on the top tier.

19. My top 3 comfort foods used to be ice cream, premium chocolate, and cheesecake. These days it's my pork rasher adobo or Woodies roast chicken in spicy Mang Tomas lechon sauce. Tastes like home!

20. I rarely watch TV but when I do, it's more likely to be a crime show or procedural. I love mysteries - probably the influence of all the Nancy Drew I read when I was in 3rd grade.

21. I used to read the encyclopedia for fun. What a nerdy kid! Thankfully, I outgrew THAT eccentricity.

22. I've been meaning to learn more constellations for years, but for some reason I've never gotten around to spotting anything other than Orion (which for some odd reason, people here call the Saucepan).

23. If I ever get married, I'd rather elope and then spend all the moolah we saved on a big wedding on a major travelfest of a honeymoon - maybe somewhere in Europe... Venice comes to mind.

24. One of my biggest dreams is to have a house by a beautiful beach someday. I would love to be able to wake up to the sound of the ocean and a sea breeze every morning!

25. Since the start of this year, I've been trying to work my way out of the box and live my life from experience to experience, triumphs and heartaches included. So far, it's been a very interesting ride - and I'm glad I've finally decided to take it.
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Random Thoughts on a Tuesday Morning

(WARNING: When I say random, I mean random. Don't throw shoes at me when you get to the end of this and think, "And what exactly was the point of all that?")

It's been a while since I last struck up a conversation with you guys.

Not really because there hasn't been much to talk about, but more because since I no longer share quite as anonymously as I used to, I've had to be a bit careful about giving into my verbal diarrhea and emotional exhibitionism. There are just some things that I'm not quite as comfortable sharing with people who know me - or maybe it would be more appropriate to say, people who think they know me.

So why am I doing in front of my laptop instead of using this extra morning time (because I set my alarm too early) to blow-dry my hair?

Because I can't help these occasional descents into random babbling, that's why. Even when the only audience is my keyboard.

I've been toying around with the idea of taking up pole dancing. Seriously! It's supposed to be a great upper body and core work out and heaps of fun - and I just may be light enough these days to actually lift my body weight on a pole without pulling my arms from out of their sockets. Plus, and more importantly, it's something I would never do back home - something which is fast becoming my battle cry these days.

I have no illusions about my dancing ability - as one of my friends put it, I have the grace of a pregnant elephant. But it sounds like fun. And while dancing is probably at the bottom of the barrel as far as my skills go, I actually love doing it especially when no one else is watching. Or at least no one who knows me (and knows I can't dance) is watching. So what better place to learn to pole dance but in this city where no one knows me, in a country where one of the prevailing philosophies is, "live and let live?"

Obviously, it's really self-consciousness that's a curse. And for some reason - I don't really have a lot of time to do actual research on this right now, but I'm sure it's written down somewhere - Filipinos seem to have an overdeveloped sense of "what-will-people-think-itis." Probably because, as a people, we Filipinos have no qualms scrutinizing the lives of perfect strangers and indulging in thoughts along the lines of, "what-in-the-world-are-they-thinking-doing-that-itis!"

Which is why most of us just sit in the sidelines and watch the brave, crazy people doing their thing and having the time of their lives - not really caring that they look funny doing so. And why most of us may laugh and pretend to be appalled by what we see, but inside, we're really just that little bit envious and wishing we had the guts to do that, too.

I'm currently reading a self-published booklet of thoughts written by a 36 year old man who is terminally ill with ALS - like Morrie in Tuesdays with Morrie. He's the very good friend of one of the people I share a house with, and it's the copy that he gave her that I'm reading. He's been battling with the disease for two years now, and, suffice it to say, he hasn't been winning. Which is why he's decided to distill his take on the meaning of life into that little booklet.

It's been interesting reading so far. At times he gets very abstract and a bit difficult to understand - or maybe that's because I was plodding though some parts at two in the morning - but it's a very real reminder of how short and how precious life is coming from someone who knows that his time may soon be up.

One of the things he cites is how toddlers - who are almost as mobile as us but still not fully verbal - live their lives so differently and so naturally compared to how we live them as adults, trapped in all our abstractions. As he puts it, toddlers' only pre-conditioned physiologic motivations are to QUESTION, MOVE, EXPLORE, CREATE, RELATE, and feel JOY.

"Joy is the natural outcome and quality of the organism, expressing and doing what it desires to unimpeded by external guilt or shame."

Basically, he points out that with all our complicated, adult verbal views and self-conceptions, we've basically managed to limit ourselves from drawing on those basic motivations and finding joy - or basically, living life.

And he poses some interesting questions as well.

"No matter what you do, how much you save, who you know, where you go, what you believe - you're going to cease to exist, always sooner than you think. Do you do what you do because you assume (it will) make you live longer? Or do you live knowing your life is on loan, and the only thing that matters is your daily experience of your life?"

As I said, interesting stuff.

All that being said, I hope that the pole dancing school will get back to me on the whether we can get around class schedule issues that conflict with my weird roster. And if it doesn't? I'm sure I'll find something else.

Okay - off to work now!

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New Year Blues

I've been a bit uninspired blogging-wise over the past few days... I think the grime of having worked through the Christmas holidays is still upon me and has just been a bit tough to wash off, even after a few visits to my favorite recovery room.

I've been thinking of drastic solutions to this funk I'm currently in. I was planning on taking a solo trip out of town to fill up a 3 day weekend I have coming up at the end of the month, but my plans are all up in the air at the moment due to accommodation and transportation issues.

It would be nice to fly off somewhere - but the air fare will cost me at least half the cost of a new dSLR or a whole 120G iPod... not quite worth it for just a 3 day weekend. I thought of going to Rottnest Island, off the Perth coast, by ferry - but it's high season, so there's no room to be had. I'm currently looking at the possibility of going to a couple of resort towns down south by bus, but it might not be a great idea since it will be hard to get to the scenic spots around them without my own car. And I'm not quite ready to drive that far and that fast by myself.

Retail therapy sounds like a nice second-line remedy, but I've been getting myself some post-Christmas bargains by way of jeans and bathing suits - and it's only been a temporary fix. Maybe it's time for me to buy a new toy - not that I can really afford it right now with my car rego and my visa renewal costs coming up but desperate times and all that.

It's a toss up between a dSLR (I'm thinking a Nikon D60 with a VR twin kit) which is more expensive and a risk as I don't know how serious I am about photography; or a new iPod (120G) which is cheaper and will definitely more utilized but my trusty old iPod is still holding on and still working quite well.

I'm trying to clamp down on my miserly side and just jump into a purchase and enjoy the fruits of my holiday labors, but, as all my good friends will attest, I am one of the most indecisive people to go shopping with. I will chew a choice to death until the bargain eventually gets away from me. Most of my major purchases have been made under the impetus of both necessity and some serious prodding by whoever I was shopping with at the time. If I were by myself, I'd spend weeks just looking and looking and LOOKING and eventually end up not buying anything.

So, what do you guys think? Should I go for it, or just save my money? Will a new toy manage to cure my new year blues? The solo holiday is still on the table, but a new toy to stand in as a date may not be a very bad idea...

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Clearing Clutter

A friend of mine recently told me that the clutter we live in our physical space is a reflection of our inner lives. I tend to agree with her.

Despite my obsessive-compulsive tendencies, neatness and organization have never been my strong suit. It doesn't help that I've always been something of a pack rat, and it almost causes me physical pain to throw anything away. The other reason why is probably because I have a high tolerance for living in clutter.

I've always wondered if my ability to live in what can only be called a mess is a reflection of how my resistance to change has allowed me to exist in the mess that was my life for so very long.

I recently took stock of the state of my personal living space - and I was dismayed to find that it looked like something had exploded in it. Tour brochures, illegible study notes, unopened letters, unsorted receipts littered my single bookcase, which was the focal point of disorder in a really messy room. My suitcases were still beside my bed, gathering dust and making it impossible to draw the curtains. The top of my wardrobe was home to empty boxes and plastic bags. Despite being only here for 6 months (yes, already!), I was obviously building up an impressive store of useless things at an awesome rate.

On that realization, I resolved to put some order into my room - partly because it was driving me crazy to see my shelves every time I'd come into the room, but mostly because I, the lover of metaphors, thought it was an apt thing to do at the end of an old year to prepare for the new one.

So, after a shopping spree involving storage boxes and organizers, I rolled up my sleeves and started sorting, putting things in order - and, yes, throwing things away. The end result was, as you can see above, something to be proud of. (I was planning on taking a "before" picture so you'd know what I was talking about, but I was so eager to get started plowing through the mess that I forgot.)

It would be so nice if I could clear out the useless ideas and concepts in my head as easily as I can put my physical space in order. Life would be a cinch to fix. I can make a list of inaccurate "truths" and limiting concepts that I need to rethink, re-frame, and even outright throw out, but of course knowing always doesn't translate into actual doing. Change - specially inner change - takes energy and entails all sorts of risk. To be honest, I sometimes think that it's easier to live with all these faulty ideas that I know than take a chance on something that is completely unfamiliar.

The good news is, if there's anything this year has taught me it is that it's possible to let go of what no longer works in order to embrace the something new. It's possible to throw out ideas that stifle me and uselessly take up space in order to make room for new, more positive ones.

And while I must admit that I'm still living in an inner world that is still very cluttered and very crowded with all sorts of negative thoughts, I've made some headway into putting things in order. And just enough so that all that much needed fresh air has finally manged to blow in some and some sunshine has managed to shine into it and brighten just that much more.

Isn't clearing up clutter a great way to end the year?

Have a happy and safe New Year's Eve everyone! May the end of the old year and the coming of a new one mark your letting go of at least one bit of personal "clutter" you've been putting off throwing away. Be happy, be loved, and always, always be blessed.

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Proud of Me

It's been almost exactly a year to the day that I wrote about my decision to defy gravity. I remember the terror of standing in front of the gaping Unknown and gathering whatever courage I could muster to prepare for that unprecedented leap.

It's a huge leap for anyone to make. But for someone who is as resistant to change, security-loving, and approval-seeking as I am, doing this in defiance of all that was sensible and practical and SAFE... it's beyond describing.

It's only on hindsight that I realize just what a leap of faith I took. Not only did I get off the safe and straight road I wasn't sure I still wanted to be on, but I traded the security of home and family for life on my own in a city where I knew no one, to which I came with literally only the clothes in my suitcases and a lot of hopes and prayers.

I guess I didn't recognize just how trapped and unhappy I was in my life back home - even if I had almost everything I needed and my life seemed to be on the right track - until I found the gumption to just make that change.

I was right. Having made one brave choice in defiance of what is expected, everything else has followed.

So here I am. I'm not just surviving - I think I can say I'm thriving. And I can say with certainty that, despite my being away from all that is familiar, despite still not having a plan, despite still not knowing how far I still have to fall - I am most definitely so much happier.

Over the past few weeks, I've had several conversations with good friends who have known me for years, heard me complain about the rut I'd stuck myself in, and encouraged me to take the drastic steps I needed to get out of it. And in as many conversations, they've all told me the same thing - that they're proud of me. Not just of what I've done so far, but because I'm making an effort to open up my life to even more possibilities.

It's heartening and touching to know that they see a change, continue to believe in me, and are totally behind what I'm doing - even if I really have no idea just what it is I'm doing at the moment. Their belief and encouragement help firm up my conviction that, hey, I guess I should be proud of me, too.

Because a year later, I'm still flying. And at this point? I can't see any end in sight.

I can feel it. It's going to be another great year.

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Thanksgiving

I'll be working through Christmas once more in order to distract myself from the fact that I am going to be seriously alone for the holidays for the first time in my life.

Despite this and the notched down level of Christmas spirit over here (as compared to the rabid, frenetic holiday madness that descends upon Manila as early as September), I look back on the year that was and find that, in this season of gifts, I've been given so many gifts to be thankful for.

So instead of coming with a wish list of what I want for Christmas, I'm making a top ten list of what I've been most grateful for over the past year (both material and otherwise) as a way of saying thanks to the great, loving Someone who has never stopped looking out for me.

1. my current job - which was less a job than an amazing opportunity to jump off the edge of my safety zone and give me all this room to grow.

2. a supportive family - who, despite not quite agreeing with my plans (or lack thereof), were all-out in helping me get to where I am once they knew I'd pretty much made up my mind about things.

3. cheap airline tickets and cheap baggage fares coming over!

4. finding the perfect place to live so close to work, with an awesome landlady and some pretty interesting housemates.

5. real friends among my new co-workers.

6. real friends born from friends of friends, who warmly welcomed me into their circle and have adopted me as part of their surrogate family.

7. my car - which I bought on a shoestring budget but is absolutely great for what it is, a ten-year-old runabout without power steering.

8. finding myself loving to live in this beautiful, sleepy city on the water.

9. learning to embrace and savor being without a definite plan.

10. learning, for the first time in my life, to love being who I am and where I am at a given moment.

So, what's on your thanksgiving list?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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Expanding my Territory

People who have been following my blog for a while know that driving has always been one of my favorite metaphors for life. Being the wanderlust that I am at heart, it's difficult not to see life as one long drive on a meandering network of roads and choices, leading to landmarks and destinations, being almost constantly in motion one day after another.

It's also hard not to keep coming back to driving as a metaphor these days when it's the current everyday skill that I am currently trying to figure out. And it's hard not to compare this experience with how my life out here is shaping up to be.

I've been driving regularly on the wrong side of the road for about a week now, learning to understand the road rules, getting the hang of crossing wide highways without the protection of a traffic light, becoming comfortable with speed, trying to familiarize myself with the roads that I've been so used to only walking.

Most of my drives so far have been short and to places pretty close to home - to work, to the shops, to the occasional fast food chain drive-thru. I've even chanced a few long drives under supervision of friends crossing the city to the coast and back. And every day, I try to do a little more, drive a route that I'd been afraid to try the day before, and go just a little farther afield.

Coming over here was a pretty drastic way to jumpstart my life. By finding the gumption to travel further from home and choosing to wander into the unfamiliar, I have been rewarded many times over. And I find that every day, I am able to do learn a little more, change a little more, and grow just a little further - in the way I see the world, in my willingness to embrace experiences, and in the way I see myself.

There's still so much to see, so much to discover in this wonderful journey of life -and this new place I have chosen to meander in. But I love knowing that I am, without a doubt, constantly expanding my territory.

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Wheels

Ballerina on a Bike by humminggirl

Because I've been so wishy-washy about looking for a car, my friends have been at me to ride a bike as an alternative to all the walking I've been doing. (Perth, being the outdoor city that it is, has an amazing network of dedicated bike paths that can take anyone almost anywhere.) And since I've become fairly more fit since I got here, everyone believes I can probably handle a bike. After all, it's supposed to be a skill that you never forget once you learn it.

However, due to my inherent pessimism (and my kinesthetic stupidity), I wasn't about to buy into that last assumption blindly when I hadn't been on a bike for almost a decade. Besides, in all things there were exceptions, and I was pretty sure that the exception would be me.

For one thing, I wasn't one of those kids who grew up with a bike. My parents were on the verge of buying me one when I was around six, at the time still blissfully ignorant of the fact that their eldest child was athletically challenged. Just to see if I was ready for a bike of my own, they borrowed my next-door neighbor's bike with training wheels, put me on it - and I ended up tipping over and hitting my head on the gutter and getting knocked out. The details of that fateful afternoon are fairly sketchy to me for obvious reasons, but I do know it warranted an emergency room visit.

Needless to say, my parents never considered giving any of us bikes ever again.

After that debacle, the next time I even got near a bike was in high school. Learning to bike as an adolescent presented one major dilemma: the absence of training wheels. You just had to hop on a two-wheeler even if you didn't know squat about keeping it upright and pray you didn't tip over and get crushed under it. And we aren't even counting the humiliation factor in. Surprisingly, I did learn to bike eventually - in the parking lot of PICC on a rented BMX. And, by some miracle, managing to do so without any memorable or remarkable spills.

Me being me, I was completely charmed by the wind on my face as I rode, the relative speed of it, and being able to indulge my inner wanderlust. I was hooked, and even not having a bike of my own could stop me. Borrowing our neighbor's BMX bike, I used to tuck my hair into a cap, dress like a boy, and ride around our subdivision almost every afternoon. I even tried to move on to an adult bike - a mistake which I paid for with some considerable embarrassment when I rode into the neighborhood tennis wall because it was too high for me to stop with dignity. Despite this minor setback, I kept at it until the end of that summer - but had to give it up once school started once again. I only got to ride again a handful of times after that, when my cousins and I would hire bikes on weekend outings with the family. I'm fairly sure that I hadn't been on a bike since college, at the latest.

Hence my understandable reluctance to get on one again - let alone make it my primary mode of getting around.

Happily enough, I've just spent my afternoon proving myself wrong and the adage right.

There's a certain symmetry between past and present to have my very first bike ride in ten years on a friend's borrowed bike in an empty parking lot. With no training wheels, of course. Just armed with a helmet (required for riding anywhere in WA) and a prayer, I wobbled my way into the first round, completely forgot my brakes, and almost ended with a spill.

I may have looked like a crazy overgrown kid to all passers-by, going round and round the parking lot with no apparent purpose or destination in mind. But it was worth looking a fool to feel the speed of it again, with the wind on my face washing over my huge grin at knowing that I could still do it.

No, I'm not ready to get out on the bike paths just yet. Fingers crossed, a few more sessions in the parking lot ought to do it. But once I get the hang of things - I'll probably be on my way to owning my very first bicycle.

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Smack in Mundania and Other Blah Blahs

I have a confession to make. The utterly barren landscape of my blog over the past few days cannot be accounted for the busyness of my Real Life. The fact that I've recently discovered that my parents and aunts and uncles have discovered my online sanctuary may be playing a bit of a part in it (sorry, guys, but it's true - knowing you read my blog sort of weirds me out)- but that's another story for another day.

On the contrary, for the first time in months I've been relatively free to do whatever I want with my down time without any obligations hanging over my head. My life here has settled into a routine - and I suppose that's where some of my current ennui stems from. But for some weird reason, I'm not scrambling to take advantage of this lull to explore or to do more at the moment.

So what have I been doing apart from going through my day-to-day routine? Catching up on my pulp fiction reading list, for one. Backing up my dying iPod's music files. Experimenting with making my own salad rolls. Spending entire days off (apart from going to the gym for a work out) just lying around and doing nothing. I haven't even felt like blogging!

You'd think that all this down time has given me more time for introspection and figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. But I have persevered and succeeded in avoiding that as well.

I still have no definite plans for the foreseeable future - a bit of a concern when I am going on month eleven of what was allegedly my one year "break." Thinking about the future just gives me a headache - so I've been choosing not to think about the future at all. I know, I know - wonderfully mature behavior. Obviously, I am currently embracing the identity of drifter after being a pathologic planner all of my life.

I really need to pull myself out of this pit of blahs I've suddenly fallen into and get my positive energy going again.
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Different Perspectives

One of the most interesting things about living so far away from home is living and working with people from completely different cultures. And with Australia being one of the most multi-cultural countries in the world, it's not hard to imagine how even my relatively limited circle of acquaintances is like a casting call for a United Colors of Benetton ad.

It's been an interesting experience.

Even the small hospital I work with is a virtual melting pot of cultures - with patients and medical staff literally coming from all over the world. As a case in point, in just my current medical team, our big boss is originally from England, one of our rotating consultants is from the Middle East, one is from Scotland. On the junior medical staff, two are from Sri Lanka, one is from India, one from Eastern Europe, and then there's the dyed-in-the-wool conservative Pinay - me!

I don't even have to stray from home to have an intelligent multi-cultural exchange - because I currently share a house with someone from Holland and another who is a genuine Aussie. This diverse mix of people has made for many interesting conversations - and has been quite an education in itself.

I guess I've always known in theory how race and culture shape who we are; but it's still an eye-opener when ideas are exchanged and I see the differences between us in a more concrete way. The food we eat, the way we think about ourselves, our jobs, the world, literally the way we approach life is under the influence of where we come from and how we have been raised.

Living and working with such a diverse group of people, it's inevitable for some ideas to clash every now and then. Negotiating the multicultural minefield can be a bit tricky. As a shallow example, something as simple as what to bring to a potluck lunch becomes a challenge when you have to consider that in the group you're feeding, some can't eat beef and some can't eat pork or anything not halal. In the context of the hospital, it's not difficult to imagine how carefully one must tread when dealing with complex issues like patient care and end-of-life scenarios.

I'm fast coming to learn that to navigate this kind of environment one needs a good dose of sensitivity. It also helps to have a tolerant nature and a sense of humor about the misconceptions and misguided notions others may have about you, your culture, and your race. But for me, the most important lesson of all is cultivating my willingness to learn from what is other and realizing that I am all the richer from being around people who are so different from me and what I have been used to all my life.

But apart from literally having my world opened up by all these new perspectives, what I find even more amazing is how much all of us actually have in common - in what we all value, what we dream, and what we love. It serves to remind me of what I often forget - that all of us are all part of the big, wonderful family called the human race sharing this little island in the Universe called Planet Earth.

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A Little Insanity

This is the reason why I have never worn my hair short and curly. And why I am glad I was still in pigtails and bows in 1986.

Since I've been going just a little bit insane over the past few weeks, the site where I made this photo composite of me (yes, that really is me!) was a bit of comic relief. I swear, I will have some sensible stories to tell in the near future about my life as an expat MD - it's just that today is not going to be that day. But I do have more silly photos!



These cat-eye glasses and curly look are circa 1960. I don't know why I felt compelled to try out all the short-curly haired templates - it must be a subconscious fashion wish of mine. Okay, we've already established that I don't do well with curly. But what about the bangs? Do you think the bangs could be a good idea?

If you're still not convinced that curly hair does not suit me, the next photo will probably convince you.



Dr. Clairebear in an Afro, style circa 1978. Where's the fashion police?

The following will reinforce some (evil) friends' tongue-in-cheek comments about my resemblance to Tracy (Nikki Blonski) in the movie "Hairspray."



I've always wanted to know how a flip-type hairdo would suit me. Now I do.



I have never actually considered dyeing my hair - but even if I ever did, I would obviously never be able to pull off being blonde. Isn't this 'do so early 90's?



Okay, okay - nearly done. I end with a look that was "in" a year before my mother was born - 1954. I can imagine it could also be my future spinster look in around, give or take, ten to twenty years from now.



But seriously - what do you guys think about my getting some bangs? :)

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Boy Toy

This is Vincent - two going on three and charming as anything. Every time we are together, he makes it a point to go through my handbag and demands I give him a blow-by-blow commentary about every single thing in it. He isn't quite capable of coherent three-word sentences and can't quite pronounce my name yet, but we have managed to bond over his Megablocks and my Palm Pilot's Insaniquarium game.

And, right now, he's the closest thing I have to a steady date.

In an ironic twist of fate, it seems that my karma of being the odd single out has followed me here. I've been adopted by an awesome group of Pinoy friends, all in my general age group, great company, and who really look out for me despite my being a complete stranger to them in the beginning - and, believe me, I know just how blessed I am to have that. The only catch is - they're all paired up, three married couples - and one kid.

At the moment, I have a bit of a reprieve as another new friend has flown down from Manila recently and joined our growing circle. But her husband is coming in late November to join her - before the group sets off for some summer traveling.

Leaving me, of course, with the little charmer as my partner.

I've already asked his mother if they have any objections to betrothing him to me and allowing me to marry him once he is of age. It's more than a 20 year difference, but what's a few years in the face of true love? His parents have agreed, tongue-in-cheek, provided that I take care of all his academic expenses from Year 1 to college. The only downside is, by the time he's ready to marry me, he may already be really preparing to take care of me in my old age.

Hmmm, maybe I should offer to adopt him instead.

In the meantime, I will brush up on my three-year-old-speak, install more easy games on my Palm Pilot, and make sure I have interesting things and treats inside my purse. I may not have been born with the skill to catch the eye of grown guys - but I'm fairly sure I can keep my latest love interested in his grown up playmate!

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