Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Hitting Panic

photo by Krysten

I already have a flight date, almost all of my papers are in, and it seems as if all systems are really go. I've completed most of my shopping, and I have enough time to finish sorting out my stuff before I leave if I start doing it now.

Everything seems to be almost ready but me.

Can someone tell me where the brakes are?

I thought I'd had ample time to get my head around the fact that I am going to be leaving my entire life behind to start anew in a city I have never been to, where I do not know a single soul, away from everything I know and everyone I love. But D-day is approaching so much faster than I thought it would.

The urge to cling to the familiar is overpoweringly strong. The excitement of a new adventure is tempered by a good dose of fear, guilt, and sadness at the thought of leaving my support system behind. As the days to my departure wind down from one to the next, I have to stop myself from frantically looking for an escape hatch.

Talk about being careful what you wish for!

My friends are more excited for me than I am at this point. I guess it's easier for them to keep my life in perspective - that this is only going to be for a year (at least for now), that I need this change and the experience will be good for me, and, if the worst happens, I can always come home. Their encouragement is my lifeline and one of the biggest reasons I haven't exercised my right to change my mind.

Frankly, I still have no idea what I am doing - and I think that's a pretty good excuse to give in to panic every now and then, don't you? But despite my panic, I'm seeing this through with faith that the courage to jump is a real prelude to learning how to fly.

6 comments:

Manggy said...

That last paragraph is a great way of putting things into perspective. I think greatly contributory to all this anxiety is this mad rush and confusion you encountered before your visa, etc. I think you ought to take a deep breath... haaaaaaaaay. As long as you're able to come back, and there's a bed and a roof over your head waiting for you there, I think that is a great source of comfort :)

Em Dy said...

The panic is understandable. After all, you're about to enter a new phase. But think of this as something like first days at school. You got past those ones right? In the scheme of things, those events do not seem comparable but they are. Because then you were smaller and had limited resources. Now you're grown and ready to face the world. You're much better equipped now. Lots of luck.

Panaderos said...

Look at it this way. At least when you get to Australia, you have a job that's waiting for you. You will have a regular paycheck to look forward to. Some people who leave for foreign shores do not have that advantage. They leave the Philippines to try their luck abroad and "trying their luck" includes looking for a job. In your case, you have a job na. Having a job takes care of a lot of worries that you otherwise would have if you didn't have one.

"The only thing we have to fear is FEAR itself." - Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

megamomph said...

Exciting!

dr_clairebear said...

@manggy: i consider coming home my escape hatch but my pride is going to keep me from taking it. :P

@em: what a first day of school this is going to be! thanks for the encouragement.

@megamom: terrifying! but, yes, exciting. :) will miss you very much... then again, we can always blog!

@panaderos: you know, you're right. that was one of the things i kept telling myself when i was thinking about accepting the offer and deciding to go. at least i know na i have a job na when i get there. people have gone against greater odds and made it, so why can't i?

Joey said...

I'm sure you'll do fine, Claire! It's ok to feel overwhelmed and panicky at this point, since you're entering something new. But you've always had new experiences and you've survived them, right? So, I believe this is another one of those experience you're going to survive!