Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Last Word on This - For Now

A stuffed up internet connection that went kaput on me just as my friends were beginning to have on-line conversations with me about the two previous posts didn't keep this particular email from getting through.

I've paraphrased some things for clarity and to protect the identity of the writer (but by her choices some will know her ;P), but I asked her if she would be okay with posting her email in its entirety. Here's her argument for the multitudes of women who choose to "waste the pretty" and why it's alright.

Being an avid follower of your blog, I paid close attention to your post about "He's not just that into you." Perhaps this is just me being too predictable - because if there's anyone the title of that book is directed to, it's me. and I'm guilty as charged.

I got a copy of that book back in May, as a gift for myself on someone else's birthday. I went to a bayside nook and kept an appointment with myself just to read it because I thought it would be liberating. But I was not even halfway through it when i junked it and picked another reading material instead.

First of all, it's not applicable for Filipinos! there's a chapter there saying "if he likes you, he'll have sex with you all the time." Bwahaha! Ridiculous in our setting, right? And there are a lot of other things there that just don't apply, and are even contrary to what i think is right or proper. I think it was in the introduction or the preface when both authors cautioned us that the concepts in the book apply to the "usual" males. And I mean, duh! I, for one, wouldn't even bother if the guy is just normal! And I refuse to be plain "normal" myself.

As one of our teachers once said, "normal" is just an arbitrarily derived population-based mean. It's a bell shaped curve. If you don't fall within the interval where most people are, then you are no longer normal. Who wants to be in the middle of that bell shaped curve anyway? As for me, I will not settle for normal. That's the one thing my system just rebels against.

It's not that I'm defending my follies. I agree with the main concept of the book - that we have to love ourselves enough and not settle for someone who can't make us feel as special as we truly are. There are some huge important truths in his ideas. I do think a lot of his examples make women look too stupid. And too normal. hehehe. I really don't think most of them are real.

For me, it's okay to remain romantic and dreamy - but with your feet firmly grounded. And whatever choice you make, it should only bring out the best in you. So in the long run, even if "he's just not that into you," and you took a risk on him, you should still turn out to be a better person. You will still be that fearless, special, fabulous, intelligent female that you truly are. Maybe in the end, you will realize that you were really not that into him either. But having things not work out doesn't really hurt you because that previous delusion actually made you better.

Maybe deep down, I'm still a romantic, quirkyalone who prefers the oyster i picked even if it's an empty one. I'd even keep the shell. So sue me!

As someone who has chosen to "waste the pretty" on some really huge illusions and delusions, this perspective somewhat comforting. And true. I think we all come out of any experience like this a stronger, better person regardless of the outcome. And still hopeful, thankfully. Always still hopeful.


Manggy said...

*raising hand* guy who wants to be normal! Ha ha ha. I'm sure I'll be hated for that.
Sorry to hear about the 'net... But I hope this post means everything's okay na?

dr_clairebear said...

@manggy: yup, internet is back - for how long, goodness knows. :) frankly, i fall on the side of the bell curve myself, which one, i'll let you guess. hehehe. which is probably why i have a soft spot for people (ie guys) who have inner dorks. :P

ness said...

hail to the fallers on the wayside of the bell curve! ;p

dr_clairebear said...

@ness: amen to that!

evilwoobie said...

har! if he likes you he will sleep with you all the time? This is so untrue... a guy likes me yet he wont sleep with em all the time (probably because he got me pregnant when he did) talk about trauma.

Hi claire!
When I became friends again with my ex's we did a recap on the relationship and I found out that some of them didnt really like the mushy way I thought about love and relationships.

One time, I got tired of rolling my eyes and finally said "so if you're going to take a partner in, you'll treat her like a maid that you can bonk-bonk?" gosh, don't ask what the answer is.


dr_clairebear said...

@woobie: sometimes i think we're really asking for it when we try to get guys to speak as frankly as they can. :P

theworkingmom said...

Hmmm, my guy waited till we got married to sleep with me. That's after 5 years of being bf-gf and being well into our mid thirties. I think that shows how much he respects and loves me. Maybe that is the Filipino/Asian way -- if the guy doesn't force you to do it and instead respects what you want, and waits for the right time.

As for normal, I don't think I am. I'm lucky, I guess, that hubby loves me the way I am. If it were some other guy who expects me to behave the way I "should", hey, I'd probably just choose to be single and be myself.


Jean said...

i really hope she'd have the sense enough to throw away her oyster. i bet it's empty.
but i'll still keep the shell...*sigh*
geeez, thanks claire.

Abaniko said...

I say, I'm abnormal. But that's because I'm in the upper part of the bell curve. Nyahahaha!

MerryCherry, MD said...

Mabasa nga yang librong yan! I saw it on Oprah once but never bothered to read it because of mixed feed back from friends.

I'm all for the out-liers sa curve. If you just go with the norm, you might find yourself lost sa dami ng tao dun.

OT: I might have to pass on this ed. of TBR. :(

ness said...

hi doc clairebear,

hope makahabol pa itong entry ko for the next TBR. medyo hindi siya directly shoot sa topic na binigay mo, medyo pa-slide ng kaunti... :-) it's still about growing old and getting sick though, medyo iba nga lang ang emphasis ng text, medyo focused on his life before the illness hit.