Wednesday, October 08, 2008

To Someone Who Will Never Read This

I know we never got around to talking about it, but I have a checklist.

I've had it since I was a little girl, when once-upon-a-time everything was non-negotiable and I knew with naive certainty that the paragon described on my checklist actually existed. As I grew older and more grounded in reality, I took many of the things off the non-negotiable column and put them on my superficial checklist.

Of course when I met you, I didn't know you'd score so well - on both columns. And to be honest, I wasn't really thinking about those things at the time - upheaval isn't always the best time to think about things like that. But then you were there. And it's hard not to discover someone when you're around each other all the time. In fact, it's all too easy.

You made me laugh and kept me on my toes. We had a lot of common interests. Despite your unfailing sarcasm and contrariness, you couldn't quite hide the kindness under the surface. It was fairly obvious that I enjoyed your company. And, soon enough, being with you became a highlight of my otherwise mundane day. I sorely needed a friend, and you were there - albeit reluctantly.

You were interesting - and I, being only human and maybe a little lonely, began being interested. But, by the time I realized it, I didn't know how to let you know. In keeping with the pattern of my life, I just got sort of stuck. It's so hard not to fall into old patterns when you've been working them so long.

And before I could work my way out of my rut, you had gone. And I was still stuck.

I wonder sometimes why Fate throws the right people our way at the wrongest possible time. I know that in some way I handled it wrong. I also know that if you had been interested, things wouldn't have turned out this way. I guess part of it is also because you don't give yourself enough credit that I could be interested in "keeping" you - as a friend or otherwise - because of you, and not because I don't have anyone else.

Then again, maybe a transient passer-by in my life is all you were intended to be. Maybe to let me know that my naive belief that there is someone out there with most of the qualities I'm asking for actually exists. Maybe you were there simply because Fate knew that you were what I needed at the time - and that was all you were meant to be.

Still I wish things could have turned out differently - because I do miss you.

9 comments:

Em Dy said...

Great post!

I occasionally wonder too about how things could have turned out if I handled things differently. But maybe because I'm content with my life right now that I can look back without any regrets. Life is what we make it.

Carpe diem!

dr_clairebear said...

life is good, so i can't complain. but sometimes i wish i hadn't been so - me. :P maybe next time, if there is a next time, i will know handle things better.

Abaniko said...

*hugs*

ness said...

thank you for sharing, clairebear... feel ko galing ito sa ilalim, sa malalim-lalim na sulok ng kaban...

dr_clairebear said...

@abaniko: thanks. i sorta needed that.

@ness: my friend jean says that there are two main reasons people blog - it's either they really write well or they are looking for people to listen to what they have to say.

i must say i fall into category two - specially when it comes to this one. it's a lot easier to vent in anonymity - and yet know that you have equally anonymous friends to listen.

Manggy said...

Gosh, this is really powerful stuff. I'm not really missing anyone at all at the moment but I totally get what you're trying to say. Even though I can't come up with a single noun to describe the emotion of this post. Hugs!

Walking on Water said...

mother,
sigh, hugs, and sniff, sniff...
you just wrote what every five-o'clock-clubber would have wanted to write.
i'm still for wasting the pretty claire. you know my take on that. but by all means, guard your heart...

rayms said...

So okay... sino sa mga lalake mo dedicated ang piece na ito??!!! HOMYGOD! My brain is churning like crazy as I was reading your blog!!! hahahaha.... sabi ko naman sa yo, maghanap ka na ng aborigine of your dreams para makalimutan mo na kung sino man itong lalake mo!!!

Hugs Mother!:)

dr_clairebear said...

@raymond: no one you know, promise. :P hahaha. don't tax your brain trying!