Uh Oh

Look what came in the mail today.

I can't believe I've actually signed up for my first ever organized run. And, what's more, committed to doing a distance I've never even managed to do to date - 10 kilometers. I haven't even been running that regularly or properly these days! Just doing 5k has been an absolute struggle. What if I come in dead last in a field of 1000 plus?

Maybe I've bitten off more than I could chew. Maybe I should chuck the number in the bin and just forget about the whole thing.

On the other hand, who the heck will care if I come in dead last? Even then, it's already pretty amazing if I finish it at all whether at a walk or a run - considering where I was (both in my life and fitness-wise) exactly this time last year.

Backing out would be an insult to the person I've grown up to be this past year. And wasn't it just last year, when I was preparing to come over, that I also felt like I'd bitten off more than I could chew?

So, yeah, I guess I am going to be keeping my number - and pinning it to my singlet next Sunday when I do the run. I may be the slowest one there that day, but by hook or by crook, I am going to make it across that finish line... just to prove to myself that I actually can.

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A Song for the Meantime

It's probably a reflection of the loss of my expressive abilities that I constantly relate my life-in-progress to existing songs. I guess it's easier for me to use someone else's words and music rather than thinking up some of my own - because it's not as if I would be saying anything that hasn't been said before.

These days, I've obviously taken to channeling Sarah Mclachlan. Her haunting voice and the poetry of her songs are a perfect foil to where I am at the moment. The song that follows is from her "Afterglow" album, which is, for me, probably her best one. Moody, brooding, painfully honest songs that hit the heart of the matter, dead center.

Some things, like heartbreak and music, are simply universal.

Stupid
Sarah McLachlan

Night lift up the shades
let in the brilliant light of morning
but steady there now
for I am weak and starving for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
it's all I can do to hang on
to keep me from falling
into old familiar shoes

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as I floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
but you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning
in this desert without you

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

everything changes
everything falls apart
can't stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses I know

how stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

There's no point in fighting these things, really. All that's left is to ride it out and hope that this song for the meantime will change - and soon.
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Welcome to the Real World

To the new set of Clinician Wanna-Bes:

You've probably been waiting on this day for years. Some of you from the day you started medical school; most of you for even longer than that, from the moment you made that firm decision to become a doctor.

After years of hard studying, sleepless nights, and sacrifice, you finally have that crisp diploma in your hand, the hood symbolizing your new status pinned on your toga. Now you can choose to slip on that coveted white coat and apply what you've studied by beginning your practice as you've dreamed of doing.

Congratulations. You've made it through the easiest part of your journey. Welcome to the real world - where the worst is still to come.

Reality is that despite all your exposure and experience as a student, being a doctor is nothing like being in medical school. You will never really know what it is like to be a doctor until you have a patient who is entirely in your hands.

All at once, all the things you thought you knew recedes into the background and everything you know you don't know suddenly takes up center stage. Faced with a patient who hangs on your every word and takes everything you say as gospel just because you're finally wearing that white coat, all five years of learning the science of medicine is negated by everything you didn't learn about the practice of it. And when you need the most to deliver, you are appalled by the thought that 80% of the time, you're bluffing your way through it and praying with all your might that what you did, what you thought, what you said was right.

Reality is that we all have to start out this way... because medicine is about practice and experience, and that the mistakes we make with our patients along the way ensures that we'll be able to make a difference in more patients' lives in the future. Be encouraged by the thought that even the consultants we admire the most or are most impressed with started out exactly the same way.

The more patients you handle, the better you get - at learning, at practicing... and yes, even at bluffing. But despite the growth in your confidence and skill, that staggering terror at the weight of responsibility will never completely go away. Which is a good thing because no matter what we are doing or where we are practicing, it will keep us on our toes. It will drive us to keep our edge, to stay updated, to keep on learning.

You will not always be a young doctor. And doctors only get better with time. But you will have moments - many of them - when you will wonder if your heart can endure the seasoning it will take to become a good doctor... or even if that is what you want to become in the long run. There will be many heartbreaks along the way and your heart will sustain many scars before you are through. And reality is the process of becoming never really ends. It's a lifelong process.

But as real as the challenges are, the joys of practice are also there to be mined to the fullest as well. So take heart and know that it is actually in this real world of medical practice that the best is also always still to come.

Good luck and enjoy the journey!



A contribution to Gigi's TBR at hosted at The Last Song Syndrome - A Letter to the New Medical Graduates

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Nine Months

me, trying to bring home an image of Bunker Bay (Dunsborough, WA)

It's hard to believe nine months have passed since I began my "great adventure." Nine months since I'd packed my bags and come to this city I'd never seen with nothing but 2 suitcases and the clothes on my back, armed with nothing but the vague hope that doing this "one brave thing" would open up my life. Nine months into the year I said I'd give myself to breathe.

Time has certainly flown - and, to a great extent, I along with it.

In these past nine months, I've fallen in love with this city on the water, with its slow pace, easy rhythms, and stunning beauty. I've learned to appreciate the value of being on my own and, conversely, to open my heart to precious friends that would once have been so "other" to me. More importantly, I've learned to revel in the gift of this solitude, and to be more forgiving and loving to the "me" that's slowly emerging from her long time hiding place.

Nine months later and I can't believe how far away I am from the straight and narrow road I'd complained about walking on all my life. I've never been more aimless, yet I also don't remember ever feeling as free.

On the other hand, I'm no closer to a definite long term plan now than I was nine months ago. I may have signed on for another two years with my current job, but I'm still thinking in terms of living from the next few months to the next.

I know I have to start sorting out my life, to get into a training track while the opportunities are there. While I love my life here in Perth and cannot imagine leaving, I also know that it's time I started exploring my options. I know I have it in me to start over once more in another hospital, even another city, if that's where the opportunities are - I know because I've done it once.

So, no, I'm not yet up to making plans. But I am open to more possibilities - wherever they may lead me. Who knows where I'll be even just another nine months from now? The thought terrifies me, but it's heartening to realize that no matter where I'll be, I know I can handle it.

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Landing with a Splat

Modern pop culture will never run out of material to peddle romantic love upon hapless, easily influenced people. Whether it's in the form of the ubiquitous boy-meets-girl-and-they-live-happily-ever-after rom com movie, the prolific body of romance fiction, the music we listen to, the ads we see... yes, the whole process of falling in love has been beaten to death - and yet, we all still suck it in.

What they don't tell you, though, is that for a good number of people in the world, the whole romantic love thing often ends with one landing with one huge splat.

It's so easy to be cynical about the whole love thing these days. How can't I be when I'm surrounded by long-standing relationships falling apart? I recently took care of a patient who had recently divorced his wife of more than 50 years - he's 73. How does anyone get divorced at 73? Talk about disposable.

I've always been pretty pragmatic about relationships, consistently leading with my head rather than my heart, whether I am viewing others' romances or my long string of never-was-es. Despite never being in one myself, serious or otherwise, I know it takes a lot of hard work and commitment to make things work. But even then, there are still no guarantees.

It makes me wonder sometimes why people even bother trying.

The odd thing is, though, there's still a part of me that believes it is possible. Possible to fall without landing in a big, messy splat. Possible to make things work and go the distance. Possible for relationships to survive even when the amorphous Hollywood love has faded away and grown to become the real thing. And when it does happen - and thankfully I've seen this, too - it's a wonderful thing to see.

Besides, as one wise friend of mine says, "No one has really ever died from a broken heart. You can cry a little, hurt a lot, and then you get over it. You always get over it - and come away stronger and wiser besides."

So maybe that's why, despite the odds, people still keep trying. Because part of us all want to believe it can be possible. And because anyone who is too afraid to let himself fall will also never experience what it's like to fly.

I hope someday I can meet someone who makes me forget all about the ground so far below, just waiting for me to crash land. It must be wonderful to leap off that edge and just let your heart fly.



A late, very late, submission to Em Dy's TBR Round Up on Love.
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Regression

I recently realized that one of the main reasons I love doing Body Balance and yoga so much is because I get to spend so much time upside down. And part of what makes it so much fun is getting to bend and twist myself into the oddest poses that would normally be socially unacceptable for any self-respecting adult to do in public.

It's as good as being a kid all over again.

Don't get me wrong I was never one of those kids who did cartwheels and other gymnastic feats with ease - things that must be taught when you're still young enough to know no fear. Even then, the only place I could do a handstand would be in a swimming pool. And I could never flip myself upside down and back on the monkey bars to save my life.

But I always used to enjoy folding over and touching my toes, let my head hang straight down between my legs, and look at the world from a completely different perspective. I also used to like raising both legs straight up or cross-legged against a wall while lying on my back and pretending I was sitting on the wall sideways. And I always liked lying on the floor and scissoring my legs into the oddest angles, toes pointed like some demented ballerina's.

All of the above I get to do in class - and more! No wonder I find it so much fun.

Serious practitioners may find what I am saying a little irreverent - maybe even sacreligious. Don't get me wrong - the poses are hard work and more difficult than they seem. But being given the license to basically be a carefree child again, even for an hour a few times a week, is part of why it's such a stress-release for me, too.

I suppose the longer I do it, the more serious I'll be and stop doing yoga to relive the joy of being a hyperactive kid. But, knowing me? I seriously doubt that will ever happen.

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Billboard Dreams

This was much too fun to resist - and not to share.

I've never entertained any fantasy of having a huge, larger than life picture of myself hanging on the side of a building, but photo-imaging technology these days now makes it possible. Those clever dudes who made Photofunia makes it as easy as the click of a mouse.

Here's another one of the effects in a setting a bit closer to home... and just in time for the summer months, too!



And another of my posters, just in front of a big retail park.



Which one did you like best? Don't just sit there, go make ones of your own - and have fun while you're at it!

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Lemonade Love

I'm ending my blogging hiatus - partly due to life-induced writer's block and partly due to being totally inundated with Facebook tags - to say thanks to Marj for this lemonade love she sent me for having a blog with "attitude and gratitude."

I can't say I've been sporting much of an attitude here these days - I've been a touch confused about life lately, hence the utter wasteland that is my creative life. But I am most definitely filled with gratitude for this wonderful affirmation from a spunky blogger and blog buddy whose entries I always enjoy. Hugs to you, Marj!

I've always blogged mainly for the catharsis of it - which is why my little corner of cyberspace has always been as random as I am in real life - and because I have always loved to write. I never expected it to last for as long as it has, nor have I expected to have found so many kindred souls through it who are actually happy to take this journey of growth along with me. And those are more things, huge things, that I am most certainly grateful for.

Now for my turn to spread the love... I am giving my lemonade love to:

1. Megamom - my once-teacher and life-mentor, who juggles the chaos that is her life with triplets and a full-time career with unflappable grace.

2. Manggy - who shares his love for food and life in this visually satisfying but hunger-inducing blog

3. Panaderos - whose insightful entries are bakery goodies of wisdom.

4. Iris - who's spunky and sassy and making her way through life heart-whole

5. Jean - who's always big on honesty and an attitude to die for

6. Abaniko - whose lovely photos of places he's been always inspire a tug of envy but more a dollop of gratitude about being alive in such a wonderful world.

7. Pepper - the ultimate Miss Positive powered by her faith;

8. Merry Cherry - who is following her heart into service to our countrymen.

9. Woobie - no one does attitude like Woobie does. :) No one. When it comes to romance matters, I want to be her when I grow up!

10. Honey - whose attitude towards living life to the fullest cannot be beat. I miss you, sis!

Your turn to spread the lemonade love!

Here are the rules:
1. put the logo on your blog or post
2. nominate at least 10 blogs, which show great attitude and/or gratitude!
3. be sure to link to your nominees within your post and let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog
4. share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.
5. How did you get a great attitude and gratitude

Okay... blogging done, off to yoga now. Have a good Sunday everyone! Click here to read the rest of this post.

Seven

These Facebook note tags are getting a little bit out of hand for me - probably because my FB friends (of which there is a ridiculously large number - not that I'm complaining) have hit on my weakness for answering almost any tag that's sent to me.

This one, though, was interesting enough to steal off my friend's page and do voluntarily. Having done it voluntarily didn't mean I wasn't going to tag anyone else to do it. Unfortunately, I'm not sure anyone I've tagged on FB for this one has done it. I was hoping the people I tagged would answer them, too - because I really do like to knowing what their personal sevens will be. :)) What can I say? I'm a tag addict.

So I am tagging another seven of my blog buddies and friends for this interesting little tag - Merry Cherry, Marj, Iris, Abaniko, Ann, Ness, and my cousin Anna. Looking forward to reading about your "Sevens!"

Seven Things That Scare Me

1) Dying utterly alone - I've seen this recently, and it's the saddest thing ever

2) Taking risks

3) Being the only doctor in a plane where there's a medical emergency taking place

4) Making a horrendously wrong decision - whether it's professional or personal

5) Going into a coma (persistent vegetative state) for years and years - if this ever happens to me, and you know I can't be pulled out of it, please pull the plug on aggressive life support and let me go. Seriously. This is not life, it's living death, and I want no part of it.

6) Having kids and raising them to become as neurotic as me

7) Heights. I can't do heights.



Seven Things I Like The Most

1) Being at the beach - any season, any time, with friends or alone.

2) Coffee or a meal with friends, topped by lots of laughter and good conversation.

3) Days off!

4) Traveling. There's so much beauty to be seen in the world, and I can't get enough of it.

5) Driving - as long as there is no bumper-to-bumper traffic. It's motor therapy. My car is my inner psychiatrist's couch, my concert hall, and my happy place. Yes, even when I get lost.

6) Doing nothing, just being.

7) The effects of alcohol - when taken in moderation.



Seven Random Facts About Me

1) I have wheedled, argued, and flashed my MD license and talked my way out of getting any traffic tickets in Manila - and am currently batting at a 100%. Unfortunately, you can't do that here in Perth!

2) I read my first grown-up romance novel when I was ten (what can I say, I was precocious) and have been a bit of an addict ever since.

3) My caffeine shot for the morning is usually taken from a 300ml bottle of Diet Coke Lime or Coke Zero.

4) I’m shy around new people - seriously. The strange thing is, I would rather speak in public to a big audience or sing onstage than meet new people.

5) I like sleeping with lots and lots of pillows. The minimum number for me is always two - one to lie on and one to hug.

6) I was always one of the last kids to be chosen for kickball - or any sport for that matter. Hmmm... why is that translating into my real life at this age?

7) I used to speak in rapid-fire English when I was ticked off or upset when I was back home. Now that I speak English most of the time, I find that I lose my English when I'm ticked off or upset and revert to Filipino instead. Weird!



Seven Important Things In My Bedroom

1) My passport

2) My iPod and the cheap dock I play it on

3) My expanding file - which contains all my documents and records from back home

4) My laptop

5) Medical books - Murtagh, Current Peds, and Volume 2 of my beloved Harry (Harrison's Principles of IM)

6) My heaps of pillows

7) Aromatherapy candles



Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

1) See as much of the world as possible.

2) Scuba dive. At least once.

3) Do something reckless and totally out of character - and not when I'm drinking, okay!

4) Fall in love, utterly, utterly - without caring if I land in one big splat. (I have yet to meet anyone who can make me feel this way)

5) Write a novel

6) Learn to lapdance. Seriously. :) Or at least take one lesson!

7) Live by the sea. To literally have the sea in my backyard.




Seven Things I Can Do

1) Run 5 kilometers - on a good day. On a bad day, I struggle to even get to 3. How am I ever going to get to 10!

2) Sing!

3) Be drunk and passed out at 4AM and still be up at 7AM and at the gym working out by 830. (Yes, this has actually happened.)

4) Cook a very good lasagna.

5) Sound quite intelligent about something that I have no idea about.

6) Have "dumb blonde" moments quite often.

7) Touch my tongue to my chin - but not to my nose.



Seven Things I Can’t Do

1) Stick to a strict diet. I love my junk too much.

2) Dance - but these days I'm doing it at the gym anyway. ;P It's heaven working out somewhere you are so sure you won't bump into anyone you know!

3) Get rid of my tummy, no matter how hard I try. *sigh*

4) Express myself when the issue is an emotional one. I just tend to hold it in and be frustrated.

5) Stop crying once I get started. Which is why I hate to cry.

6) Drive like a guy. I admit it, I am someone who gives women drivers a bad name.

7) Do something without overanalyzing it to death first.



Seven Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex

1) A sense of humor that jives with mine. He has to be able to make me laugh!

2) A fair degree of intelligence or at least street smarts. We have to have interesting conversations, and he has to be able to stand up to me in an argument.

3) He's someone I should be able to look up to and respect.

4) A good smile and nice eyes.

5) Someone who can sing or play an instrument always has heaps of bonus points from me.

6) Treats his mom, sisters, and girl friends well, without exception.

7) Someone who's responsible, goal-directed, and knows what he wants out of life. (It sort of balances out my indecisiveness.)


Seven Things I Say The Most

1) "Fudge!" (curse substitute!)

2) "I'll do (supply verb here) after 5 minutes." (And then after 5 minutes, I ask myself for 5 more minutes... the mark of a true procrastinator.)

3) "We'll see how it goes..." (This is very catch-all!)

4) "Bloody (supply noun here)!" (Yes, I use "bloody" - pretentious-sounding as it may be with my confused Pinoy accent and I have been using it for years, long before I came to live here. I picked it up from my Oz uncle on the many visits I did before actually coming to stay.)

5) "Oh... my... God...!" (Pauses are included for emphasis.)

6) "Have a good day!" (My new automatic "goodbye" to complete strangers - something I have learned to do over here.)

7) "What the...!"


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If Heaven Were a Beach

I've never made any quibbles about my love for the sea. I have a passion for discovering beautiful beaches, and I've been quite lucky to have been to quite a few. But I must say that if heaven were a beach (and to me, it most probably will be), it would definitely look like this.



This is Bunker Bay, just a few kilometers off Dunsborough, on the amazing Southwest region of Western Australia. It's white sand, turquoise waters, and calm, sloping shoreline make it as close to paradise a beach can get. Near enough to be worth the drive but far enough to remain undiscovered. I will most definitely back here someday. If I had a choice to stay here, you would have had to drag me away kicking and screaming.

I will, most definitely, be back.

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More Tag - 25 Random Facts About Me

I used to think that this whole tag business was confined to the blogging world, but lately several of my friends on Facebook have tagged me with this 25 Random Facts tag. I figured it was time to do the tag and tag back. I remember already doing a 10 Random Facts tag here a few months back, but I figure that since I'm doing this one for my FB network, I might as well post it for my blog buddies to feast on as well. As for tagging my 25 - already done that... but you're free to grab the tag if you want to do it, too.

At the very least, it will get my mood up... I hope. It's not easy settling back into real life after being oversaturated by the sight of beautiful places - post-travel blues.

Copy. Paste. Share your 25 and tag 25.

1. I am currently suffering from serious post-travel blues at the moment. Coming home after a great trip is always a bit of a let-down.

2. I love my Body Balance classes at the gym and am thinking of doing serious yoga one of these days.

3. I was almost cast as Nova Villa and Freddie Webb's little girl in the sitcom "Chicks to Chicks" when I was five - only I suffered from a serious case of stage fright when I saw the studio lights.

4. My latest driving credits include country driving at 120 kph for at least 200 kilometers from Konojup to Armadale. Yes, granny driver Claire now knows how to zoom-zoom down the highway, yeah!

5. I love the beach and the ocean at any season, not just to swim but to simply watch the world go by. It's my recovery room. I just visited some of the best beaches I have ever seen this weekend... I wish I could have stayed at any one of them forever.

6. I have become a bit obsessive about facial sunblock since I moved to Australia. I need a supply!

7. I still have no idea what I will be doing a year from now, where I will be doing it, and whether or not what I will be doing will lead me to home. It's quite an experience living from one day to another...

8. I miss my spur-of-the-moment coffee dates with the Five O'Clock Club or my other girl friends at Starbucks. But I'm glad that I have new friends here to share coffee with when I really need it.

9. I can spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing important. I'm a professional time-waster!

10. I don't like taking risks in anything and always like going for the "sure thing." So it's nice when circumstances sometimes force me to be a bit more spontaneous - which is what this year is really all about.

11. I have more regrets that are tied to the things I didn't do rather than the things I have done. I'm hoping I can reverse that ratio as the years go by - because it would mean that I'm actually learning to live my life rather then continuing to hedge my bets.

12. I am a cynical romantic. I believe in happy endings and forever, but I'm also very pragmatic about the whole romance process and tend to keep my expectations low. Yes, I subscribe to the gospel of "He's Just Not That Into You!"

13. I haven't gotten past running 4 kilometers for the past few weeks and here I am hoping I can do a 10 kilometer run by April. ASA PA AKO!

14. I hate change. I like security and certainty and making plans - which made me a little square stuck in a deep rut for a good long while. But, thanks to my new moves, times are changing. I've come a long way, baby!

15. I have been in one major car accident (a school bus wreck when I was five - I got windshield glass in my forehead) and am crossing my fingers that I have reached my quota for a lifetime.

16. I used to cry over my patients and thought I'd gotten over it after residency - but apparently, there are still some patient stories that can pull me towards the brink of doing so.

17. I would like to be able to see a good deal of the world before I die. I would like to be able to see a huge chunk of Australia before I go home (if I decide not to settle here). I love to travel!

18. I have an addiction to pulp fiction - bestselling romance novels and murder mysteries being on the top tier.

19. My top 3 comfort foods used to be ice cream, premium chocolate, and cheesecake. These days it's my pork rasher adobo or Woodies roast chicken in spicy Mang Tomas lechon sauce. Tastes like home!

20. I rarely watch TV but when I do, it's more likely to be a crime show or procedural. I love mysteries - probably the influence of all the Nancy Drew I read when I was in 3rd grade.

21. I used to read the encyclopedia for fun. What a nerdy kid! Thankfully, I outgrew THAT eccentricity.

22. I've been meaning to learn more constellations for years, but for some reason I've never gotten around to spotting anything other than Orion (which for some odd reason, people here call the Saucepan).

23. If I ever get married, I'd rather elope and then spend all the moolah we saved on a big wedding on a major travelfest of a honeymoon - maybe somewhere in Europe... Venice comes to mind.

24. One of my biggest dreams is to have a house by a beautiful beach someday. I would love to be able to wake up to the sound of the ocean and a sea breeze every morning!

25. Since the start of this year, I've been trying to work my way out of the box and live my life from experience to experience, triumphs and heartaches included. So far, it's been a very interesting ride - and I'm glad I've finally decided to take it.
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The Alphabet Tag

My blog buddy Marj sent me my first meme of the year, and I figured I'd take a break from contemplating my status as a figurative "dumb blond" by playing along.

(Who am I kidding? I love doing this!)

So... here's the ABC of everything about me.

A. Attached or single?
Do I even have to answer this question?

B. Best friend?
Isa, who became my friend in college, and is the most collected, together, and serene person I know. She's the perfect foil to my scatter-brained, flustered, hyper self. I miss her heaps.

C. Cake or pie?
Cake! Cheesecake, mudcake, shortcake...

D. Day of choice?
A perfect day on a perfect beach.

E. Essential item?
My iPod. Mobile phones are a dime a dozen, but I'd be devastated if I lost my iPod!

F. Favorite color?
I love blue, but I find my closet is currently stocked with different shades of pink. How did that happen?

G. Gummy bears or worms?
Gummy bears!

H. Hometown?
Manila

I. Favorite indulgence?
A full body massage at In Sense spa (which I haven't had since I got here!)

J. January or July?
January. July always brings nasty weather - whether it's in Manila or Perth.

K. Kids?
Hope so!

L. Life isn’t complete without?
Quality alone time.

M. Marriage date?
I stopped giving myself a deadline years ago!

N. Number of magazine subscriptions?
None.

O. Orange or apple?
Apples

P. Phobias?
I don't like heights.

Q. Quotes?
Don't really have one.

R. Reasons to smile?
There are heaps! It's just a matter of looking for them. :)

S. Season of choice?
Fall, in a place where the leaves turn. I love the colors of autumn!

T. Tag 5 people -
Raymond, Sonny, Jean, Pepper, and Marlowe

U. Unknown fact about me?
I can drink half of a 750ml bottle of Absolut Vodka and still be (somewhat) lucid by the end of the night.

V. Vegetable?
Sun-dried tomatoes (yes, I know it's technically a fruit, but humor me.)

W. Worst habit?
Jeez, I have to pick one? They're all terrible! Erm... nail biting to the point of bleeding. (Gross, I know...)

X. X-ray or ultrasound?
Huh?

Y. Your favorite food(s)?
Dessert. Any kind. To my detriment.

Z. Zodiac sign
Taurus (and I'm a textbook one).

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Disaster Queen Strikes Again

It's the last day of my long weekend, but, despite not having gone off somewhere far away as originally planned, I've had a fairly good one. Apart from the fact that I almost got hopelessly stuck in a beachside city of Rockingham last Friday with only twenty cents to my name after my car keys disappeared.

How could she be so stupid?, you must be asking yourself with a shake of your head. Believe me, I asked the same of myself several times the next few hours that followed.

The day started out pretty great - I'd managed to drive all the way to Freo to have lunch with a friend of mine who works there (her treat, which is always a good thing) and, as part of my resolution to use my long weekend right, I decided to go further afield to somewhere I'd never been before, let alone driven to. As I drove along Stock Road, veering towards the southern beaches, I even flirted with the idea of going as far as Mandurah - which is almost 80 kilometers out of Perth - but settled for Rockingham, which is just around 50 kilometers out.

As soon as I saw the almost swimming pool calmness of the turquoise waters and the golden sands from the foreshore, I was in love.

Much as I love the beautiful Aussie beaches, this was the first one I'd seen that had absolutely no surf. Which is a god-send for me because, while I know how to swim, I don't consider myself a strong enough swimmer to really spend too much time in the rough and ready waters of the beaches to the north. So, understandably, I completely abandoned my plans for sight-seeing and photo-ops for a chance to hit the beach instead.

I had a fun couple of hours just floundering alone around in the clear, calm water and doing a bit of baking in the sun (what's summer without a bathing suit tanline?). I had decided on a run along the foreshore to top off my idyllic summer day, having brought both my beach gear and running gear (one of the best things about having a car is that you can bring EVERYTHING with you), so I got out of the water with just enough time to spare for a shower, a run, and still be on my way home before dark. After walking in ignorant bliss to my car to get my running gear, I was completely shell-shocked to find that MY CAR KEY WAS NOT ON ME AT ALL.

So there I was, the solo traveler wannabe, staring helplessly at my locked car - where my handbag and wallet and all my money were - dripping with sea water from my afternoon frolic in the sun and close to tears. I could have sworn I had taken my car key with me when I changed into my bathing suit. But after having gone through each item inside my beach tote and laying them on the hood of my car one by one, I had to face the fact that IT WAS GONE.

In a stunned daze, I went to the shower rooms to change back into my street clothes to give myself time to regroup and figure out what to do. All my money was in the car, so I couldn't take public transport to the house (a two hour trip one way at least!) to get my spare key. There was only one way to get out of the scrape - call for help. Thankfully, I had the foresight to have my mobile phone with me, and promptly rang one of my co-residents the only person with a car who lives in my suburb.

Just my luck - he was on duty until 11 pm. Of course it was out of the question for me to wait for him until 11pm - this being Perth, all establishments close at 9pm at the latest. So we hatched a plan for me to get a cab back to Armadale, which he would pay for when I got there since I had no money on me, then drive back to Rockingham after his shift with my spare key so I could take my car home.

When my other Pinoy friends caught wind of the trouble I was in, they vetoed the plan and proposed an alternative - for them to pick me up instead. They would go to my house (at least 18 kilometers from where they lived) to get my spare key then drive the rest of the way to Rockingham (another 30 to 40 kms away). And they wouldn't take no for an answer.

It was so embarrassing to have to be rescued. Nonetheless, I was just so glad that I was near enough for them to be able to rescue me!

As a mortifying postscript to an already mortifying travel disaster, I found my car keys the next day under the piles of stuff inside my trunk. It must have fallen from my pocket or I must have tossed it in withe rest of my stuff when I was so excitedly preparing for my swim. OH MY GOD.

Er... Is this someone who thinks she can actually go on a solo holiday somewhere in the woop-woops? Go ahead, you can say it. Claire is a disaster area. I must be out of my fricking mind to even consider it!

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Random Thoughts on a Tuesday Morning

(WARNING: When I say random, I mean random. Don't throw shoes at me when you get to the end of this and think, "And what exactly was the point of all that?")

It's been a while since I last struck up a conversation with you guys.

Not really because there hasn't been much to talk about, but more because since I no longer share quite as anonymously as I used to, I've had to be a bit careful about giving into my verbal diarrhea and emotional exhibitionism. There are just some things that I'm not quite as comfortable sharing with people who know me - or maybe it would be more appropriate to say, people who think they know me.

So why am I doing in front of my laptop instead of using this extra morning time (because I set my alarm too early) to blow-dry my hair?

Because I can't help these occasional descents into random babbling, that's why. Even when the only audience is my keyboard.

I've been toying around with the idea of taking up pole dancing. Seriously! It's supposed to be a great upper body and core work out and heaps of fun - and I just may be light enough these days to actually lift my body weight on a pole without pulling my arms from out of their sockets. Plus, and more importantly, it's something I would never do back home - something which is fast becoming my battle cry these days.

I have no illusions about my dancing ability - as one of my friends put it, I have the grace of a pregnant elephant. But it sounds like fun. And while dancing is probably at the bottom of the barrel as far as my skills go, I actually love doing it especially when no one else is watching. Or at least no one who knows me (and knows I can't dance) is watching. So what better place to learn to pole dance but in this city where no one knows me, in a country where one of the prevailing philosophies is, "live and let live?"

Obviously, it's really self-consciousness that's a curse. And for some reason - I don't really have a lot of time to do actual research on this right now, but I'm sure it's written down somewhere - Filipinos seem to have an overdeveloped sense of "what-will-people-think-itis." Probably because, as a people, we Filipinos have no qualms scrutinizing the lives of perfect strangers and indulging in thoughts along the lines of, "what-in-the-world-are-they-thinking-doing-that-itis!"

Which is why most of us just sit in the sidelines and watch the brave, crazy people doing their thing and having the time of their lives - not really caring that they look funny doing so. And why most of us may laugh and pretend to be appalled by what we see, but inside, we're really just that little bit envious and wishing we had the guts to do that, too.

I'm currently reading a self-published booklet of thoughts written by a 36 year old man who is terminally ill with ALS - like Morrie in Tuesdays with Morrie. He's the very good friend of one of the people I share a house with, and it's the copy that he gave her that I'm reading. He's been battling with the disease for two years now, and, suffice it to say, he hasn't been winning. Which is why he's decided to distill his take on the meaning of life into that little booklet.

It's been interesting reading so far. At times he gets very abstract and a bit difficult to understand - or maybe that's because I was plodding though some parts at two in the morning - but it's a very real reminder of how short and how precious life is coming from someone who knows that his time may soon be up.

One of the things he cites is how toddlers - who are almost as mobile as us but still not fully verbal - live their lives so differently and so naturally compared to how we live them as adults, trapped in all our abstractions. As he puts it, toddlers' only pre-conditioned physiologic motivations are to QUESTION, MOVE, EXPLORE, CREATE, RELATE, and feel JOY.

"Joy is the natural outcome and quality of the organism, expressing and doing what it desires to unimpeded by external guilt or shame."

Basically, he points out that with all our complicated, adult verbal views and self-conceptions, we've basically managed to limit ourselves from drawing on those basic motivations and finding joy - or basically, living life.

And he poses some interesting questions as well.

"No matter what you do, how much you save, who you know, where you go, what you believe - you're going to cease to exist, always sooner than you think. Do you do what you do because you assume (it will) make you live longer? Or do you live knowing your life is on loan, and the only thing that matters is your daily experience of your life?"

As I said, interesting stuff.

All that being said, I hope that the pole dancing school will get back to me on the whether we can get around class schedule issues that conflict with my weird roster. And if it doesn't? I'm sure I'll find something else.

Okay - off to work now!

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Strange Things I Know to Be True

One of my patients passed away at work today.

As a doctor, even one who has only been in the practice of medicine for going on a decade (including medical school), I'm definitely no stranger to death anymore. But the circumstances around his passing reminded me of a few strange but common occurrences related to dying that I've witnessed over the years.

Here's the story: my patient was an 85 year old, slightly demented and not for resuscitation, who had recently had a heart attack. He had been doing poorly for a few days, but seemed to be turning the corner clinically.

But by way of most cardiac patients, after having a restful night, he suddenly just stopped breathing and had no audible heart rate - his heart probably went into an arrhythmia. While we were placing the cardiac monitor leads on him, he spontaneously started breathing again. Given the length of time he was out, we figured he wouldn't wake up. We told his niece to let his family know that the prognosis wasn't good, and she had already phoned most of his relatives, who would be coming in shortly.

The staff and I left the room to give his family private time and so I could update my consultant about what was going on. When my consultant came a few minutes later, we came into his room and saw that while he was awake, we all got the feeling that he would not last long. Sure enough, he passed on within the next two hours - after all of his relatives in the area had come in to see him and say goodbye.

Which leads me to the first strange thing I know to be true: dying people can actually "hold on" in order to wait for certain people who they want to see before they die.

One more strange thing I know to be true - very sick patients, most often the terminal ones, have a final surge of strength or a "good day" shortly before they slip away. Sometimes we get lulled into thinking that these patients are clinically improving, only to be stunned the next morning to find out that they've passed on in the night.

It is also possible to die of a broken heart. And I don't mean that in a physiologic sense. Have you ever tried looking at old gravestones and noted how close apart old couples die one after another? It's probably because after one passes, the one left behind loses the will to live. I had a 80 year old patient recently who was quite well medically and good functionally until his wife died. After that, he was in an out of hospital, and he died of pneumonia six months after she did despite all our medical efforts. Quite simply, he had lost the will to live.

Non-medical people will find the concept difficult to understand, but health professionals - doctors, nurses, carers - can actually spot when a patient is on his or her way out. It comes from experience, of course, but we can tell. But one more weird thing my co-residents and I have noticed in our dying but awake patients - when they ask for water, death always comes close behind. Seriously. I don't know how true that is in other medical people's experience, but it's certainly been true to my and my co-residents' experience.

And you know the one about the dying calling out for people who have died or saying that they see people who have died calling for them? That one happens pretty often, too.

Sorry for the morbid turn. It's just amazing to be reminded that there are so many things that can't really be explained by logic or science but actually occur in the world.

Do any of the other medical people in the house have any other weird observations and anecdotes to add? Oh, there's still that one about what happens to people (specially psych patients) when it's a full moon... but that's another story.

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Prices Based on Twin Share

a panorama of Busselton Beach (2 hours out of Perth) by Dave Curtis

My itchy feet have been acting up again, and they, along with the unexpected gift of 4 days off coming up on my roster, have turned my thoughts to travel dreaming once more. After all, while I was in residency I couldn't stop complaining about how I never had enough time from the hospital to travel - so what kind of crazy fool would I be to pass up this opportunity?

Along those lines, I've put my OC skills to researching flight costs, bus fares, and accommodation costs - a painful reminder of the harsh reality that going places costs a pretty penny. Struggling to keep my penny-pinching side from screaming me into abandoning the idea completely, I determinedly plodded on, only to run smack-dab into another frustrating stumbling block.

In my quest to plan my first-ever solo holiday, I have come to discover that the travel industry is not at all kind to single wanderers. All the bargain holiday packages come with the following clause attached, "Prices quoted based on twin sharing."

It's almost enough to tear a single girl's hair out in frustration.

I've been having an inner debate on whether or not it would be a good idea to fly over east to Melbourne (where I've been several times before) to spend a few days with the relatives, versus traveling by myself to somewhere in the vast and beautiful state of Western Australia which I've never seen before.

Option A would definitely cost me less and be the safer and wiser choice - but where would be the adventure in that? I don't deny I'd enjoy seeing family again after six months of being totally cut off. But taking a plane ride or a long-haul bus ride to visit relatives at some far-away destination is definitely not the same as planning on a whole vacation - even a short one - entirely on my own.

On the other hand, every single girl should have at least one solo holiday under her belt. Despite my best intentions, I've never actually gone on a holiday solo. After proving I can be independent after my life-altering move to Perth, I figure it's high time I smashed through my self-imposed limits of needing a travel companion to indulge my insatiable wanderlust. And I figure there's no better time to do it but now.

Now if only the logistics would fall into place.

I still haven't booked where to go - a must given that it's the height of summer here and school holidays are in full swing - because I haven't quite made up my mind where to take my itchy feet. I'd love to drive my car over because in Australia a car is an absolute necessity when exploring the overwhelmingly huge countryside, but I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that yet. I can always take a bus from here to the country towns, but I won't have wheels to get from one attraction to another when I get there.

Then there's that irritating, totally discriminatory twin-share rate.

Obviously, at this point, I'm still in the process of trying to figure things out. I just know that one those four days off, I will not be in Perth and be off having an adventure somewhere - on my first-ever solo travel holiday. I'm open to suggestions... does anyone have any? Click here to read the rest of this post.

Happiness is a Plate of Tocino

Tocino by Jepster

One of the things I miss most about home is being able to eat Pinoy food.

I do get samplings of it every now and then during get-togethers with my fellow ex-pat friends, but Filipino feasts are few and far in between. I do know how to cook traditional Pinoy meals, but for reasons I've already explained before, I really, really hate cooking for one. And I'm also not very good at improvising in the kitchen with western ingredients.

But now, thanks to my ex-pat friends (and this is just one more reason why it's a MUST to have fellow Pinoy friends abroad) and by virtue of having my own car, it's no longer a pipe dream to have a taste of home.

A few weeks ago, my friend Michelle took me to an Asian grocery store in a suburb about a 30 minute drive from where I live. It was well worth the drive as I finally got to stock up on my favorite Pinoy comfort foods - Barrio Fiesta bagoong, preserved green mangoes, dried squid, Mang Tomas lechon sauce, and Lucky Me instant pancit canton, just to name a few. And guess what else? Tocino mix!

Tocino has always been my favorite all-day breakfast food - probably in part because of my sweet tooth. Tocino plus a serving of garlic rice and one fried egg with atsara or vinegar on the side is my idea of a great Pinoy meal. It was too hard to resist flirting with the possibility of being able to eat it again - so I bought myself a pack, a half kilo of thinly sliced pork tenderloin, and decided to experiment.

Not that it takes a lot of culinary skill to dump pork in a container, mix in the sugar-food-coloring-and-nitrite concoction, and let it sit overnight to let the pork cure. But I'd tried the same with chicken fillets a few weeks before, and the results were not exactly great, so I was really putting a lot on faith that my new experiment would turn out well.

After an overnight soak, in just fifteen minutes cooking time, I had my picture-perfect pork tocino, which I paired with my trusty microwaved steamed rice. (Unfortunately, I was too hungry and excited to take actually pictures for my blog and just dug in.) And it tasted just like what we had back home. Yes, success!

Next time, I'm definitely splurging calories on the garlic rice and the fried egg. If any of you happen to have family living in Perth who know where to get good atsara to go with my tocino, please let me know - you will be in my "God-bless-you" list for the rest of my life.

Hmmm, living down here has certainly expanded my definition of "life's little joys." At the moment, a plate of home made tocino happens to be one of them.
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New Year Blues

I've been a bit uninspired blogging-wise over the past few days... I think the grime of having worked through the Christmas holidays is still upon me and has just been a bit tough to wash off, even after a few visits to my favorite recovery room.

I've been thinking of drastic solutions to this funk I'm currently in. I was planning on taking a solo trip out of town to fill up a 3 day weekend I have coming up at the end of the month, but my plans are all up in the air at the moment due to accommodation and transportation issues.

It would be nice to fly off somewhere - but the air fare will cost me at least half the cost of a new dSLR or a whole 120G iPod... not quite worth it for just a 3 day weekend. I thought of going to Rottnest Island, off the Perth coast, by ferry - but it's high season, so there's no room to be had. I'm currently looking at the possibility of going to a couple of resort towns down south by bus, but it might not be a great idea since it will be hard to get to the scenic spots around them without my own car. And I'm not quite ready to drive that far and that fast by myself.

Retail therapy sounds like a nice second-line remedy, but I've been getting myself some post-Christmas bargains by way of jeans and bathing suits - and it's only been a temporary fix. Maybe it's time for me to buy a new toy - not that I can really afford it right now with my car rego and my visa renewal costs coming up but desperate times and all that.

It's a toss up between a dSLR (I'm thinking a Nikon D60 with a VR twin kit) which is more expensive and a risk as I don't know how serious I am about photography; or a new iPod (120G) which is cheaper and will definitely more utilized but my trusty old iPod is still holding on and still working quite well.

I'm trying to clamp down on my miserly side and just jump into a purchase and enjoy the fruits of my holiday labors, but, as all my good friends will attest, I am one of the most indecisive people to go shopping with. I will chew a choice to death until the bargain eventually gets away from me. Most of my major purchases have been made under the impetus of both necessity and some serious prodding by whoever I was shopping with at the time. If I were by myself, I'd spend weeks just looking and looking and LOOKING and eventually end up not buying anything.

So, what do you guys think? Should I go for it, or just save my money? Will a new toy manage to cure my new year blues? The solo holiday is still on the table, but a new toy to stand in as a date may not be a very bad idea...

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Clearing Clutter

A friend of mine recently told me that the clutter we live in our physical space is a reflection of our inner lives. I tend to agree with her.

Despite my obsessive-compulsive tendencies, neatness and organization have never been my strong suit. It doesn't help that I've always been something of a pack rat, and it almost causes me physical pain to throw anything away. The other reason why is probably because I have a high tolerance for living in clutter.

I've always wondered if my ability to live in what can only be called a mess is a reflection of how my resistance to change has allowed me to exist in the mess that was my life for so very long.

I recently took stock of the state of my personal living space - and I was dismayed to find that it looked like something had exploded in it. Tour brochures, illegible study notes, unopened letters, unsorted receipts littered my single bookcase, which was the focal point of disorder in a really messy room. My suitcases were still beside my bed, gathering dust and making it impossible to draw the curtains. The top of my wardrobe was home to empty boxes and plastic bags. Despite being only here for 6 months (yes, already!), I was obviously building up an impressive store of useless things at an awesome rate.

On that realization, I resolved to put some order into my room - partly because it was driving me crazy to see my shelves every time I'd come into the room, but mostly because I, the lover of metaphors, thought it was an apt thing to do at the end of an old year to prepare for the new one.

So, after a shopping spree involving storage boxes and organizers, I rolled up my sleeves and started sorting, putting things in order - and, yes, throwing things away. The end result was, as you can see above, something to be proud of. (I was planning on taking a "before" picture so you'd know what I was talking about, but I was so eager to get started plowing through the mess that I forgot.)

It would be so nice if I could clear out the useless ideas and concepts in my head as easily as I can put my physical space in order. Life would be a cinch to fix. I can make a list of inaccurate "truths" and limiting concepts that I need to rethink, re-frame, and even outright throw out, but of course knowing always doesn't translate into actual doing. Change - specially inner change - takes energy and entails all sorts of risk. To be honest, I sometimes think that it's easier to live with all these faulty ideas that I know than take a chance on something that is completely unfamiliar.

The good news is, if there's anything this year has taught me it is that it's possible to let go of what no longer works in order to embrace the something new. It's possible to throw out ideas that stifle me and uselessly take up space in order to make room for new, more positive ones.

And while I must admit that I'm still living in an inner world that is still very cluttered and very crowded with all sorts of negative thoughts, I've made some headway into putting things in order. And just enough so that all that much needed fresh air has finally manged to blow in some and some sunshine has managed to shine into it and brighten just that much more.

Isn't clearing up clutter a great way to end the year?

Have a happy and safe New Year's Eve everyone! May the end of the old year and the coming of a new one mark your letting go of at least one bit of personal "clutter" you've been putting off throwing away. Be happy, be loved, and always, always be blessed.

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Somebody Stop Me!

photo by james m

I think it's pretty obvious by now - I'm a chockful of bad habits and addictions. Ranging from the trivial (i.e. nail biting and a love of diet soft drinks) to the life-altering (i.e. negative thinking and frequent self-flagellation), I am often conquered by these compulsions more often than I care to admit. And since I got my car, I'm coming to realize that I'm on my way to developing yet another one - as if I didn't have enough of them.

It's giving into the siren song of the fast food drive thru.

Yes, despite my resolve to turn over a new leaf and eat healthy to complement my new sporty lifestyle, my new wheels have made it even easier to indulge in my craving for the quick, tasty, and greasy joy of eating fast food. I don't even want to count the number of times I've driven the five minutes down the road for a burger from McDonald's (which is open 24 hours, much to my conscience's dismay), hot-and-spicy chicken from KFC, or a chicken roll from Red Rooster.

My absolute lack of emotional quotient is appalling. What can I say? When I'm diving into hot food that I didn't have to cook myself, I temporarily lose my sanity. But it's hard to resist the call of a Big Mac at the end of a long, harrowing evening call when I can safely drive to the store in my car, pick up a burger, and be home just ten minutes than I planned to be.


Okay, okay - the yogurt and fruit for dinner daily was definitely much more positive than habitually committing this cardinal sin against healthy living. I'm going to have to double - even triple - my time at the gym just to make up for my lack of willpower... and we all know how realistic that really is!

The reason I'm writing about this here is just so people know about my budding addiction and hold me accountable. After having had a McDonald's burger two nights in a row via the Drive Thru (curse the 24 hour service - shouldn't everything be closed in Perth by 5pm?), I am willing to admit I have a problem.

Is there such a thing a Fast Food Addicts Anonymous? Sign me up, quick!

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