photo by skoric
As I wander the middle of nowhere in this in between time in my life, this is one thing I have in such short supply.
Letting go and letting God is something that has always been so hard for me. Despite knowing this in my head, my gut still refuses to accept that all I have is the illusion of being in control. Because I am not, no matter how hard I try to be on top of all the variables or clutch my life's steering wheel tightly in my hands.
So I continue to run around with a cloud of doubt always hanging over my head, constantly second guessing and mulling over worst case scenarios, afraid to make the next move or to take risks because of a hundred what-ifs and what-might-happens.
Why is it that even if I know in my heart God only wants the best for me, I can't stop worrying and - at the expense of sounding blasphemous - wondering if He really knows what He's doing?
My heart obviously has a lot of catching up to do.
* * * *
Help Me Believe
music and lyrics by Nichole Nordeman
Take me back to the time
When I was maybe eight or nine
And I believed
When Jesus walked on waters blue
And if He helped me I could, too
If I believed
Before rational analysis and systematic thinking
Robbed me of a sweet simplicity
When wonders and when mysteries
Were far less often silly dreams
and childhood fantasies
Help me believe
cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see
Much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
To touch an Angel's wing
And I would be free
Help me believe.
When mustard seeds made mountains move
A burning bush that spoke for You
was good enough
When manna fell from heavens high
Just because You told the sky
To open up
Am I too wise to recognize that everything uncertain
Is certainly a possibility
When logic fails my reasoning
and science crushes underneath
The weight of all that is unseen
Help me believe
cause I don't want to miss any miracles
Maybe I'd see
Much better by closing my eyes
And I would shed this grown up skin I'm in
To touch an Angel's wing
And I would be free
Help me believe.
When someone else's education
plays upon my reservations
I'm the first to cave
I'm the first to bleed
If I abandoned all that seeks
To make my faith informed and chic
Could you?
Would you?
show Yourself to me?
* * * *
Post Script: To everyone who has expressed interest in joining the upcoming Blog Rounds - thank you so much in advance! I am looking forward to reading all of your posts. I'm really sorry I have not been able to answer your comments one by one - I haven't had much time to breathe these past few days, let alone blog! But don't worry, I promise we will go on as scheduled. :)
7 comments:
It could be quite difficult at times. I have my own doubts myself, some of them serious ones. However, I just try to live my life the best way I know how. I use my faith as a moral compass. I think things will sort themselves out in the end. Take care.
I hope you won't mind but I tagged you. Please check my blog for details. Thanks in advance.
Do the tag only if your time permits. Otherwise, no worries. Rest assured that this humble baker will understand. :) Take care.
In bad times, I say Thy will be done. That eases up the worries a lot. The Serenity Prayer also gets me through difficult times. Ingat.
This was best explained in the movie "Dogma" where they said that faith is like water in the glass. When you're a child, the glass is small so it's easily filled. But as you grow, the glass gets bigger and bigger and it gets harder and harder to fill it up. Life is hard not knowing what God has planned for us, but sometimes, the best part of living is not knowing what will happen next. Everything is a surprise, and everyday is a step closer revealing to his plans. Like I said before in one of my blog entries, God is not all black and white like what others may believe. Sometimes, he's funnier than fate.
By the way, I have tagged you with the book meme my dear. Please check my blog for more info.
Cheers always,
~M
@panaderos: thanks! i've never wavered in my belief in a Higher Power, but i have wondered every now and then if He's forgotten i'm here...
Yup, will do the tag... what's the code, though?
@Em: i know He is in control, but that doesn't keep me from bucking when i don't like where i'm being led!
@marjie: that's a fantastic explanation. :) thanks for the tag.
Please email me at newbakerstreet@gmail.com for the code. Thanks for participating. :)
It sounds like you are doing the right thing, don't second guess or be hard on yourself.
Thanks for your kind comment over at my place. BTW i got good news today... Benign!!
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